Reminds me of that old song - "You just keep on usin' me...until you use me up."

I have had a few cowardly and stupid bosses and I have actually tried really hard to work with them, and to see if I could gain their trust and approval. I have found in each case that all that happened is my spirit was drained and the abusive or manipulative behaviour was actually reinforced by my "enabling" attempts to please.

As Marilyn Moats Kennedy says, if you find yourself in an abusive situation in which your values are compromised, best thing to do is "blast your way out of there."

That's good advice for most, Ron. But sometimes people find themselves working for assholes at companies they otherwise love or in a line of work they love or both--and they must do whatever psychological/spiritual/political work they must to get along. Up to and including trying to love unlovable people, a la my wife's aunt.

(Who, not incidentally, is leaving her job in hopes of finding another!)

I had a cowardly, stupid boss who really sucked me in with promises of promotion -- until the time he attempted a shortcut solution to a real communication problem and I challenged him on it. He made my life hell after that. I attempted a graceful parting of ways, though he didn't deserve the grace I was attempting to extend. He fired me. It was at once devastating and liberating. Devastating because I still have not financially recovered seven years later. Liberating because now I realize it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Continuing to be sucked into his evil ways (and I truly believe he was an evil person) would have been harmful to me in the long run. The guy eventually was moved from job to job until he finally was "separated" from the company. To this day I feel a mixture of sorrow, resentment and gratitude toward him.

The point is not what happens to people like this. The point is what happens to us as a result of our having crossed paths with people like this. I believe I'm a better person for the experience -- and also a better communication professional.

Ten months ago, I was fired, too. (I've been phrasing it more euphemistically than that, but Robert gives me the courage to call it what it is.) It was out of the blue. Honestly. I've since learned that there were other instances before and after mine, and that possibly what happened to me is common in many ad agencies. I was and still am clueless about the reasons, but don't care any more.

I've been in recovery since then, and, like Robert, have come to realize that it was the best thing that could have happened to me. Because in that job (at an ad agency) and the one I held for 20 years before then (in government), although I had the title I never WAS able to connect with the well-meaning, smug, patronising directors and execs. I was showing up every day and doing my damnedest but the Sisyphean task was taking a serious toll on my health. Although I may never make the money I made in that past life, I lack the words to describe how much happier I am now, how finally there's room in my brain for some real thought, how I actually LIKE writing and communicating again and can even, sometimes, imagine that it might be HELPFUL for the people I do it for. The jerk saved my life.

Jane, you show far more courage than Robert shows. He was fired seven years ago.

The first four or five years, the story was that he had "stepped down to pursue other interests." *

You admitting that you were shitcanned LESS THAN A YEAR after you were shitcanned ... THAT is courage, sister! **

* Kidding! Robert was quite clear right off the bat that he was shitcanned.

** Here at Shades of Gray, we give one another courage. When we are shitcanned, we SAY we are shitcanned.

Jane - as always I LOVE YOU!!! You are so smart and funny!

I have been "shitcanned" (that's a new term for me - I'm liking it) twice, and they called it different things each time, but my favorite description was coined by the communications coordinator who reported to me the second time it happened. After I was gone he walked around referring to "when Kristen was made bionic" and when people asked what he was talking about told them "you know - when she was 're-structured'" The upper people hated it but they needed someone to do the work so they pretended to ignore it. Still one of my favorite stories!

Both times I got the boot it was BECAUSE I was insisting on trying to convince management to communicate honestly and with specificity about issues that were important, to both internal and external stakeholders.

Unfortunately, this was under senior people who fell into the trap of thinking that "double-speak" a la 1984 would work during downsizing, and that intelligent employees would suddenly buy sanitized misleading info about what was really going on (which of course the grapevine kept everyone apprised of anyway).

I will admit to being smug about the fact that both times I got canned, there were several communicators after me who went through the same process with the same result.

Ultimately, you gotta be okay with what you see in the mirror, even if it means you drain the RSP account while you spend a year looking for a new job (as I did).

Kristen, Jane, Robert--communication heroes all.

I've not seen the above scenario work out well often, if ever. Sometimes, if the situation is not going to change and Jerk Lady is your boss, it's time to shake the dust from your shoes and move on.

It's far easier to forgive someone their inadequacies/cruelty/ignorance from afar than having to deal with it head-on every day.

I'm just thinking out loud...

David and Robert: I feel like we're drinking buddies--and I've never even met you!

Kristen: Back atcha, babe!

Eileen: I agree that sometimes the ONLY way to survive is to get out. I was not the kind of person who did that easily, but since they stole my virginity I'll never be that loyal to a disloyal organization ever again. That's the upside: my self-esteem is healing. The downside is that this very same attitude will make me a less-than-optimal employee in many employers' eyes. I'm not sure I ever WANT to be a company girl again, so I'm slogging it out as my own boss. It's great except for the unpredictable income--and the days when I STILL work for an idiot. :-)

I was with my Brother Robert throughout his ordeal at that company. Robert can hold his head high for being an ethical communication professional among sleaze bags. His professionalism at all times was exemplary.

In fact, thanks to Robert, that company was among the first of my clients when I opened my consulting firm. I saw the organization from the inside very clearly. It sucked. Robert exercised the patience of a saint to deal with the culture there. He performed at a high level and achieved great results in spite of the culture. He always did it with fairness and a sense of team spirit for those with whom he worked. He was rarely given the same courtesy.

If we work, then we are going to have bosses who will drain the life out of us. I have had my share. I have never been fired, but I have left a few jobs when I realized that the situation was not going to change, and I could not/would not change to be like the organizational culture. All things consider, I got along pretty well with most everyone, including some very demanding bosses.

How did I do it? Not by caving in or adandoning my principles or ethics. I just tried to really see the troublesome person to determine what his or her problem was. Much of the time, it was insecurity, for they had high powered, highly compensated jobs and they wanted to do well. Sadly, they often did it at the expense of others, and it was totally uneccessary to do it that way. Most of the time, I kept my cool, was patient and helpful, and waited them out.

I believe that many of the hard cases we encounter among management are just so bloody insecure that they act out in ways that hurt and alienate. I have seen that patience and understanding works to calm them down and make things much more tolerable over time.

When I was in high school and college, I trained and rode quarter horses. I was no horse whisperer, for I didn't have that talent, but I learned that those hard case horses can be won over with patience and calm interaction. Those horses are much like the managers we have to deal with at times in our careers. Just be patient, let them rant, and over time they see that they can't get to you. Then, they calm down and you have a much more pleasant ride.

Ah, but Jane -- at least you respect her! ;-)

Weighing in a bit late and new to commenting on this forum. My natural inclination was to try to kill the two bosses-from-hell in my past with kindness. I let all kinds of abuse roll off me.

In both cases the scenario was along the lines of "you need to anticipate my needs and fullfill them before I ask you" in tandem with "you must never spend time doing anything that I didn't explicitly ask you to do." The irresistable force and the immovable object going head to head.

I smiled and tried (and cried in private) until these bosses pushed enough of my buttons to make me find my backbone and throw the bullshit flag. And the most remarkable phenomenon occurred -- they would back down and actually be nice and treat me with respect for a week or two.

The only problem was, I didn't like myself much after I stood my ground and called them on their crap. Weathering the situations until I could get out of them (into better situations) was the only long-term solution I found.

I was s-canned once too, ironically not by bully boss, but by a limp noodle who picked me because he was scared of the backlash if he picked a more (un)worthy candidate.

Hi, Liz, welcome!

Why didn't you like yourself much after calling them on their crap?

David

I've had way more than my share of bad bosses, but for some reason the lessons the good ones taught me are the ones that stuck. My approach is to mentor them subtly into being better bosses (after all, other people reported to them).

Of course, there is the pair that got rid of me after an outside consultant told them they were bad. A few days later, their megahuge client got rid of them -- and offered me a glowing reference.

I think that worked out well.