My wife and I used to believe that there was no reason to solicit anyone's advice: Everybody's different, every situation is different, every moment is different. Ask for advice and all you do is obligate yourself to follow it or make excuses to the advice-giver for why you didn't.
But now that we have a child and thus are constantly in over our heads—I received a list of organic snack foods I have to take once a month to Scout's new preschool and realized I wouldn't know where to find any of the items—we ask people for advice. All the time.
Now we're mad when something happens and it occurs to us: No one ever warned us.
When she was about one, Scout fell down the stairs. We freaked. When we told others, every single parent we knew said, "Oh yeah, Paige fell down the stairs when she was a baby. So did Madison!"
Where were these know-it-alls when we were deciding whether or not to have children? "On the one hand, babies are very cute. On the other hand, they all fall down the stairs ...." (And, we learned a little later, they all get head lice, too.)
A couple months after Cristie got pregnant, I was on the golf course, playing with a stranger. He was talking about his daughter, who was struggling in her first post-college job and very unhappy. "You'll never be happy unless your kids are happy," he said, casually.
WHAT?!
Not that we would have believed any of this stuff had we heard it in advance. We sure don't believe warnings from some of our parent friends that no matter what we do, our little bundle of I-love-you-Dad magic will be a tattoo-covered, parent-hating freak in a few years.
Which is the real problem with advice: It usually requires us to worry about something more than we're already worrying about, and on any given Friday morning, that seems impossible.
P.S. This is also exciting. Headline from the Associated Press today: "Suicide rate for young girls jumps 76%—Why the 'dramatic and huge increase'? No one really knows."
Comments (10)
Heavy sigh. This, for me, falls into a separate category altogether: "accidental advice." Didn't expect it. Wasn't looking for it. But bam, here it is. Despite careening toward age 40, we're pondering adopting a child, and it's tales like these that keep us equally excited and befuddled. I think I may start installing "baby gates" now, just in case.
Posted by Don Lariviere | September 7, 2007 8:21 AM
Posted on September 7, 2007 08:21
Don—
Baby gates don't help. Somehow, they still go down the stairs.
David
Posted by David Murray | September 7, 2007 8:43 AM
Posted on September 7, 2007 08:43
David - Even if well-meaning people had given you and your wife advice before having a child (like kiss your former life goodbye, including every single opportunity you will EVER have to relax with the NYTimes or sleep in), would you have listened? I didn't. I thought, like all potential parents think, that my children would be magically different than everyone else's. That I'd be a magically better, smarter, more adept parent. HAHAHA. Now I see people contemplating having children and I say NOTHING. Because nothing anyone ever says could have prepared you, could it? - Amy (mother of 3 kids whom I love and who occasionallhy drive me crazy)
Posted by Amy | September 7, 2007 8:52 AM
Posted on September 7, 2007 08:52
Age 6 mos., 1, 1.5: Son had a croup attack that sent us to the ER at 3 a.m. all three times. Just.couldn't.breathe (and that was just me - he couldn't breathe either).
Age 2: Daughter swallowed a handful of sleeping pills at my friends house. Spent the night in the Pediatric Unit throwing up charcoal treatment.
Age 4: Daughter was sledding down a hill and picked up too much speed and headed directly for a pickup only to duck right before going UNDER the pickup.
Age 11: (TODAY) took son to his first-ever bus stop at the high school (AT THE HIGH SCHOOL!!! do you know what kind of freaks are on a high school campus). Don't ever want him to ride bus again, but that would be a bit much, I fear.
Would I do it again? Yes. And you would too.
Posted by Eileen | September 7, 2007 10:24 AM
Posted on September 7, 2007 10:24
As the father of a 16-year-old daughter who has rebelled in almost every way imaginable, I have lots of horror stories to tell. But my favorite is this one.
My daughter was caught, for the second time, smoking on the school grounds. This means an automatic one-day suspension, but she managed to talk the vice-principle out of it by volunteering to call her parents and tell them what happened.
Afterwards, I had a phone conversation with the VP to talk with her about my daughter's problematic academic career.
"Mr. Shewchuk, despite these problems, I like your daughter and I have three of my own, so I know what you're going through. I think she's going to turn out fine...but it's going to be at our expense."
Truer words have not been spoken, and the expenses - emotional, physical and financial - continue. And I'm looking forward to when they pay off, which I think will be when my dear daughter is about 32 years old. But, I suppose, it will be worth it even then.
Posted by Ron Shewchuk | September 7, 2007 2:01 PM
Posted on September 7, 2007 14:01
Ron,
HA! If only I had to worry about smoking with my now college freshman daughter I probably wouldn't have so many gray hairs! Try adding two rear end collisions that racked up $11,000 and $9,000 body shop repair bills not to mentioned the legal costs (fortunately our neighbor is an attorney and she trading legal representation for baby sitting).
David, one bit of free advice...get a second or third job TODAY to start saving for college. It's obscene how much college education costs compared to the relative cost from when I was in school.
Posted by Craig Jolley | September 7, 2007 2:57 PM
Posted on September 7, 2007 14:57
David, read all the above and then go give Scout a raspberry on the back of her neck, scoop her up, settle her into your lap (you're even allowed to have a beer at hand), and talk with her about the miraculous things she's learned today. If it happens to be a miraculous day for you, too, she'll put her arms around your neck and tell you she loves you. Then go and enjoy the weekend.
Posted by Jane Greer | September 7, 2007 5:14 PM
Posted on September 7, 2007 17:14
Here's one more perspective from a slightly different angle - the kid. I'm in my 40's and when I was in my teens I thought my Mom had not a SINGLE CLUE about REAL LIFE!
It took a couple of decades, but my Mom is now one of my absolute best friends. She is the smartest, bravest, kindest, most forgiving, most awesome person I know. Ultimately - she's my hero!
As you worry, love, cajole, despair cuddle and go mental over being Scout's Dad, just keep in mind that when you keep on being the great parent I'm sure you're going to, there will be a pay-off, even if that's a couple decades in the future! Hang in there!
Posted by Kristen | September 7, 2007 6:06 PM
Posted on September 7, 2007 18:06
Wisdom piled on wisdom. Thanks, all.
Posted by David Murray | September 10, 2007 7:13 AM
Posted on September 10, 2007 07:13
David,
All these stories and more await you with your own personal twists. But nothing -- NOTHING -- beats just watching your kids when they don't know you're watching, seeing them smile, laugh, do things you didn't teach them, do things they picked up from you.
Don,
I'm the proud Scottish-Irish father (wife's of Irish descent) of a 10 y.o son and twin 5 year old girls, all of whom happen to be from Russia. When we went before the judge in Moscow to finalize their adoption (they 10 months old at the time), I thought it would be a good idea toward the end to lighten the mood in the proceedings by telling the judge through an interpreter that we were thinking that we might return the girls temporarily to their homeland around the age of, say, 13. I very quickly had to press the interpreter to explain to the judge, who was not amused, that it was just a joke.
I highly recommend adoption, though I'd maybe use a little more decorum than I brought!
michael clendenin
Posted by michael clendenin | September 11, 2007 11:47 AM
Posted on September 11, 2007 11:47