When I arrived at University a hundred years ago, flush with all my A+'s in English, History and anything else requiring essays, I blithely chose to take an English course on "the classics" (Shakespeare, Dante, all my favourites) thinking to pad my journalism classes with an easy GPA boost.

The first paper I submitted came back with a D+ and the comment "You do not write well - remedial assistance may be required" To this day, I can easily, and vividly recall exactly how horrified I felt when I read that comment, standing in the hallway outside the English dept. pickup cubbyholes where we received our graded papers. I'm still not certain I didn't experience a momentary psychotic break.

Luckily for me, that class had a professor exchange whereby at the halfway point in the semester, our professor went to a University in Virginia, and their prof came to teach us in Ottawa. HE loved my writing, gave me A's and the world, which at that point was in imminent danger of completely spinning off its axis, righted itself and the beat went on.

It's always good to have someone take you down a peg or two whent you're twenty and smug, but SERIOUSLY! I do too write good!! Sheesh!

I've always liked the Dororthy Parker book review:

"This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with great force."

I've always liked the Dororthy Parker book review:

"This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with great force."

My wife Kate is a humour columnist and lifelong curmudgeon herself. I invite Shades of Gray readers to check out this piece on the subject:

http://katezimmerman.typepad.com/kate_of_late/2007/09/revenge-of-the-.html

I recall one of the first stories I'd written for our employee publication while working my first job out of college. I'd done my research, outlined the piece, chosen every word carefully...it was perfect. I passed it on to my boss (who, it's worth noting, was not at all skilled in communications) who returned it with a giant X drawn in red across the page, with the singular notation: "Woefully inadequate."

No explanation, no actual constructive feedback(not that he'd have been capable of providing it). Wow, I still sound bitter all these years later, don't I?

Kristen:

I once received an F on a personal journal I'd poured my heart into throughout my freshman year, because it was full of obscenities the English 101 teacher found gratuitous.

Seeing that "F" on what I thought was more or less a publishable masterpiece—I know what you mean by out of body. I remember walking numbly across campus, tears streaming out of my eyes.

The beginning of long education about the Audience end of communication, though.

Love D. Parker quote—and "woefully inadequate," too. SUCH WORDS BURN A BRAND ON THE BRAIN.

The nastiest insult I ever saw was from Alden Wood, the usually warm and loving words columnist for The Ragan Report. A Ragan editor had messed up his Typochondriac column and he sent a fax thanking us for our copyediting, which he described as "subfecal."

One night in the House of Commons, Churchill, after imbibing a few drinks, stumbled into Bessie Braddock, a corpulent Labourite member from Liverpool. An angry Bessie straightened her clothes and addressed the British statesman.

"Winston," she roared. "You are drunk, and what’s more, you are disgustingly drunk."

Churchill, surveying Bessie, replied, "And might I say, Mrs. Braddock, you are ugly, and what’s more, disgustingly ugly. But tomorrow," Churchill added, "I shall be sober."

My wife, Kate, is a humour writer and longtime curmudgeon. Here's a link to something she wrote on the subject:
http://katezimmerman.typepad.com/kate_of_late/2007/09/revenge-of-the-.html

David, just want to say good for you for getting off the smokes. Good luck! My dad quit 13 years back after smoking two packs a day for 35+ years - if he can quit, you can too!

Thanks, Andrea. Of course, getting off smokes means eating myself out of house and home. And, to keep myself from resenting the God who invented these poisonous smoky treats that I'm not allowed to have, playing lots of golf and having all sorts of other pleasure.

When I smoked, at least I was getting a little work done. Now, I'm putting down the hot dog and the beer just long enough to swing the golf club.

Someday I will be normal again.

You have an Aunt Zodie? Surely, she must be more interesting than these scraps of written nastiness...

She is dead, Mike. She had many good qualities, but scraps of nastiness were definitely part of her personal brand. For instance, she was known in her circle for clambering onto a chair at cocktail parties and drunkenly giving what came to be known as her "'Life Is Shit' Speech."

In short, Aunt Zodie would have liked this particular thread, and now that you mention it, I think I will dedicate it to her.

Ron (and Kate):

"Of course, there’s nothing better than curmudgeon-on-curmudgeon action. Plump Alfred Hitchcock apparently once said to rail-thin George Bernard Shaw, 'One look at you, Mr. Shaw, and I know there is famine in the land.'

"'One look at you, Mr. Hitchcock, and I know who caused it,' replied Shaw."

Aunt Zodie would have loved this.

George Bernard Shaw telegram to Winston Churchill: My play is opening Tuesday night. Bring a friend.. if you have one.

Churchill's reply: Cannot attend opening. Will attend second performance... if there is one.

And another, though I cannot recall who said it:

"I am sitting in the smallest room in the house. Your letter is in front of me. Soon, it will be behind me."

And who was it who said, and who about:

"An empty cab drove up and ______ got out."