Oh, David, yes. Work has been absolutely exhausting lately, and not in a stimulating way--just tedious and taxing and utterly consuming. And there are things I truly WANT to do--an article I want to write, two wonderful sources who agreed to be interviewed, and no time to do it. Escape is in snippets here and there during the day peeking to see if you've written a new blog, or what's happening in the forums; anything to relieve this unrelenting wretchedness. And yet there are so many things to look forward to: the hour when I'll actually find that time for the interviews; the snow machine trip my husband and I are taking up into the Yukon next month; attending the CCC conference in Chicago in May and actually getting to meet you and Bill and Mark and Amy and everyone else--maybe even finally seeing Wrigley Field and those ivy-covered walls!

But you weren't talking of the dailyness of things, were you? You were talking about living in your own skin and accepting that you are just who you are. This is hitting me harder now that I've passed my 50th birthday. I'm faced with how ordinary I am, and that the mark I've made on the world is probably little, and much of it isn't all that pretty.

As to you, David, know that you are a bright spot in my day. I feel a little surge of anticipation when I see in my Outlook folder an unread entry in the Shades rss feed, and nearly always interrupt whatever I'm doing to take a minute to escape, to think through what you've tossed out, to read the thoughts of people I think of almost as friends--Eileen, Susan, Kristen, Amy, Jane and all the rest. Tedious? Just the opposite. Refreshing, invigorating. I'm so glad you are here.

Joan, I appreciate your candor, now and always.

I don't need a bucking-up (though I got one upon learning you're joining us in Chicago; that should be a blast).

I really am curious as to whether others share this nagging feeling that, as you put it well, "You are just who you are."

(In an interview when he was just a kid, someone asked Tiger Woods what professional golfer he looked up to. He said coolly that there were about 30 pros he studies, because any one golfer "has a lot of flaws." He said he wanted to become a kind of Superman golfer. And he did. But now is he thinking: Gee, all this effort, all this genius, all this spiritual intensity, and I'm only a Goddamned golfer.)

Joan - What do you mean "almost"?? I certainly think of you as a friend, and look forward to meeting you in person at the CCC in May!

David - Are you taking a philosophy course or something? Good Grief! I haven't had to do this much navel-gazing since I was a teenager, and it's wearing me down!

Seriously though, I think that we all assumed when we were kids that we would be the next big thing. And while we may not have turned out to be Tiger Woods, I would suggest that we have all made a difference to, and had an impact on, people in our own personal worlds (past and present) at a higher level than we realize. For me, most days that's enough.

I can certainly say that my participation on this blog, the interesting, exciting topics discussed here, the lively interplay, and the people I have an opportunity to talk with (whom I would never have met otherwise) has positively impacted my life.

Oh, Kristen, I think I'll die satisfied about my impact. I have no remaining grand illusions about Achieving Greatness.

It's just that I want to be a tough union ironworker one day and a professional golfer the next, and I'm sick, sometimes, of this David Murray gig.

No crisis. Perhaps just a touch of January madness.

David, that's what you do in your off time, eh? All the weird stuff. I can't make a living at the interesting things, and I'm such a wuss that I just can't stand myself, so I force myself to do the stuff that scares the bejeezus out of me. Like skydiving. OMG. But I did it. Learning to sail a teensy little sailboat. This snow machine trip into the frigid north in FEBRUARY--wtf are we thinking about? It's nearly 200 miles in -40 degree weather over mountains that I've driven in the summer and that terrified me from inside my car in 90+ degree weather! Managing political campaigns. Trying to write an article for Mark Ragan, for God's sake. I lost half my body weight in the last ten years, going from size huge to relatively normal. Spent four years with a trainer learning to lift weights. That's the stuff we just have to do or we wither. Maybe you just need scuba diving or spelunking lessons!

Here's my theory, David--you're parenting. Nothing like being somebody's mom (or dad) to force unflattering self-examination. It sucks, it hurts, and it never, ever ends. I wound up with a great kid who's going to college and working and she's funny and pretty and smart, and seems relatively balanced, and all I can do is think how much better I MIGHT have done if only.... And that 'if only' list just goes on and on. And it's all true: I could've done so much better, so much more.

Go skydiving. That'll stop you in your tracks!

Not January madness, Jungle Madness c/o Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy:

"If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth in your underwear, don't stop and start thinking of what other words have 'under' in them, because that's probably the first sign of jungle madness."

Now that is true madness. If you get to this point, call one of us in for back up.

I went skydiving once, Joan. The whole time I felt like, "Some dumb yahoo going skydiving." That's kind of how I feel on a motorcycle, too. But I'm taking a crazy long motorcycle trip, from Cleveland to Halifax, Nova Scotia, when I turn 40 in a year and a half .....

Eileen, thanks for that handy benchmark.

When I was very young I envisioned my grownup self as a professional baseball player. A couple of things prevented me from achieving that dream: I chased skirts when I should have been chasing fly balls, and I never could hit a damn curve ball.

Will

"But as dynamic as you surely are, you can only be one person, live one life, have one style."

Only be one person? Only live one life?

David, you are a golfer and don't want to be an ironworker, or you would be. We make our choices and we imagine the rest. Play against Tiger in you imagination, play golf with me for real. Do you really think that the 100th round of golf with Tiger would be more fun than the 100th round with me?

Living your own life is not a drudgery, it's a challenge! Use your imagination.

Johnny:

Where and when?

David

Tucson, AZ. Next week. A "conference".

As chronically under-discovered songwriter Greg Marsh put it:
"Life Isn't Fair;
That's a fact you can't deny,
But how it turns out for you
Depends on how hard you try.
And money will not matter
On the day your time is through;
Yeah, what matters then
Is whose lives turned out better thanks to you.
So don't worry too much
When you get bad news.
There's change on the way;
With every new day
Comes a chance to chase away your blues."