"Surrogates"—allies of candidates who say things the candidates themselves can't, for whatever reason—have become so pervasive during this campaign, so openly acknowledged that we almost expect the campaign to issue a photograph, with a caption:
"Barack Obama, left, meets with his surrogates to tell them all the horrible stuff they're supposed to say about Hillary Clinton during the next six-weeks."
Since we're all becoming so accepting of the legitimacy of politicians having surrogates, it occurs to me that it might be handy to have some surrogates myself.
I'd like to informally recruit Tiger Woods to casually remark during his next press availability that if he could write like me he wouldn't bother playing golf, and to add that if I weren't constantly up to my ass in gerunds, I'd be his stiffest competition at this year's Master's.
I'd also like to get Tribune Company president Sam Zell to do an op-ed in his own paper about how the Trib would be so much better if more of its freelancers were like David Murray. Furthermore, he would admit that he'd do anything to trade places with the publisher who gets the lion's share of my contributions, Mark Ragan.
I'd also like to get Steve "Bombasticals" Crescenzo to go a little overboard on my behalf, so that I could disassociate myself from him publicly and secretly buy him beers, regularly.
Oh. I already do that.
What surrogates would you choose, and for sending which messages would you buy them booze?
Comments (8)
How about some surrogate children. Just yesterday I made 6-year-old Lily come inside early from playing baseball with her dad and brother because she was being cheeky and throwing a tantrum. She was so mad at me she yelled, "I'm going to call 9-1-1!!!!" So I want a surrogate daughter that drops things like, "She really is a fabulous mother, and I want to be just like her when I grow up."
Posted by Eileen | March 12, 2008 9:44 AM
Posted on March 12, 2008 09:44
Oooh, this is fun! Here's my list:
1)Angelina Jolie would go on record to say: "It's really only because Kristen Ridley isn't interested in having 45 children, that Brad Pitt hasn't thrown me over for her."
2) The official spokesperson for the Mark Twain estate would comment: "There hasn't been a more original, talented writer worthy of being called Mark Twain's successor than Kristen Ridley to hit the publishing world for years!"
Oh yeah, and one more:
3) Jane Greer would say: "Kristen Ridley is definitely on my top 10 list of people who don't go around spouting a lot of bullshit."
Posted by Kristen | March 12, 2008 10:04 AM
Posted on March 12, 2008 10:04
Kristen, you missed David's point. You're supposed to wish for things that will never happen--but all yours are true! :-)
Posted by Jane Greer | March 12, 2008 10:23 AM
Posted on March 12, 2008 10:23
Awww, shucks Jane! You're making me blush!
Posted by Kristen | March 12, 2008 10:35 AM
Posted on March 12, 2008 10:35
She's making me gag!
Posted by David Murray | March 12, 2008 10:38 AM
Posted on March 12, 2008 10:38
I'd like Jack Johnson to say, "The current crop of singer-songwriters -- myself included -- is really fortunate that Greg Marsh has been so busy managing employee communications and raising his three boys for the past couple of decades, because he's one scary talent."
Posted by Greg Marsh | March 12, 2008 10:50 AM
Posted on March 12, 2008 10:50
I'd like Joe Torre to say, "Will Daniel was the best catcher I ever saw. The switch-hitting son of a bitch could hit a fastball a country mile. If only he could hit a big-league curve, he'd be in the hall of fame today."
Who needs writing when you could be the best baseball player in the history of the world. Or butcher, for that matter.
Will
Posted by Will Daniel | March 12, 2008 12:01 PM
Posted on March 12, 2008 12:01
"Or butcher, for that matter."
Don't drag editors into this.
Posted by David Murray | March 12, 2008 12:19 PM
Posted on March 12, 2008 12:19