Send me a political e-mail . . . and die

I have to get something off my chest:

STOP SENDING ME POLITICAL E-MAILS!!!!!!!!!

Thanks . . . I feel so much better already. Has anyone else noticed that this year, the election is causing many, many people—from both sides of the political dung pile—to 'get involved' because they think the election is so important?

That's fine. Nothing wrong with a concerned citizenry.

But, in the old days, in order to 'get involved,' you had to really 'get involved.' You had to talk to people. You had to knock on doors. You had to pass out flyers, or make phone calls.

These days, you can just click a button and irritate 1,000 of your closest friends with your particular political propaganda. And, after forwarding this article or that article or this link or that link, you can sit back, smug and self-satisfied that you have done 'your part' to tilt the upcoming election in the proper direction.

I agree that this is an important election. The most important one in my lifetime. I know who I am going to vote for. And I, too, would like to be 'involved.' But I'm not going to irritate my friends and colleagues and junk up their inbox just so I can feel good about my 'commitment.'

And psssssssstttttt . . . . here's a little something none of the amateur political flacks want to admit. For every anti-Bush piece that is 'eye opening,' there is an anti-Kerry thing that 'everybody should read.' I know . . . because I'm getting all of them.

If you've waited this long to make your decision, and you're going to base that decision on second-hand news culled from the Internet . . . then do everybody a favor and stay home next Tuesday. You don't deserve to vote.

And while we're on the subject . . .
Since we're briefly talking politics, was anyone else as irritated as I was by the constant emphasis on, and over-analysis of, 'body language' during the presidential debates? GOD, did that start to annoy the holy living hell out of me.

I got so sick of reading things like, 'When John Kerry mentioned Weapons of Mass Destruction,' Bush's eyebrow shifted up one quarter of an inch and he shifted his weight to his left foot. That obviously means he gussied up the CIA intelligence and fabricated the report so that he could invade Iraq and finish the job his dad didn't do, and thereby be a better man than his dad, and thereby finally settle this Oedipus complex that has been raging through his system since he got sober and realized he was in love with his mother.'

I'm from Chicago. We don't do subtle body language in this town. We let it all hang out.

When Iron Mike Ditka was coaching the Chicago Bears, a fan once yelled something derogatory at Ditka as he was leaving the field. Ditka used a little body language to respond: He grabbed his own crotch, gave the man the finger and spit at him. Three body language insults in one bold move.

And there's a wonderful picture of that exact moment, if you don't believe me. My friend has it hanging in his basement.

That, friends and neighbors, is body language that means something. If Bush or Kerry were to do something like that, we might have something to talk about.