Over the years, I've probably read close to 100,000 employee publications. And I've seen a lot of unusual corporate titles and weird job descriptions.

But the one I found a minute ago might take the cake. I found it in a research laboratory's employee newsletter. Here is the headline:

Concerns Coordinator welcomes employee suggestions

Here's the lead:

'Parking. Overhead costs. Benefits changes. Although she says she's 'really just getting started' with the assignment, ORNL Concerns Programs Coordinator Cindy Kasak can readily recite a litany of issues raised by lab staff members so far in 2004.'

I bet she can!! I've heard of corporate ombudsmen . . .but this is a step beyond that. Concerns Coordinator? Ha! This woman is a professional shit catcher! She catches do-do for a living! Her actual job is to listen to thousands of petty-ass complaints day in and day out.

A picture of the woman comes with the article, and you can tell just from her photo that this is a woman on the edge. She's gamely trying to smile, but she looks like she's passing a kidney stone.

You can see she's about to snap. You can almost hear what is going on in her mind:

'Go ahead, ask me about the pot hole, you son of a bitch. Go ahead, ask me again about the pot hole. Go ahead. One more time. Just one more. Ask me again about the pot hole and I will bury you in it.'

The real scary part of the story comes in the second paragraph. Here it is:

'Kasak, who was named to the position in January, has received nearly 50 'official' concerns, with many related to facilities and parking, relationships with supervisors and coworkers, staffing processes, and changes to the employee benefits program.'

That makes it sound as if there are 'official' concerns and 'unofficial' concerns . . . but nowhere in the article does it talk about what makes a concern 'unofficial.' I want to hear more about that.

If Kasak is getting 50 official concerns a month, I bet she's getting at least 250 'unofficial' concerns. We can only imagine what those are like:

'My cube-mate stinks like hermit crabs all the time. What am I supposed to do?'

'I work next to the CEO, and he's constantly screaming out passages from the Bible and crying on the phone to his mommy. What am I supposed to do?'

We anxiously look forward to the publication's follow-up story on this topic next month:

Concerns Coordinator kills four, wounds seven

'In a dramatic turn of events, former Concerns Coordinator Cindy Kasak reportedly stormed into the cafeteria on Friday with what police say was a 12-gauge shotgun, and opened fire, killing four of her fellow employees before turning the gun on herself.

According to eyewitnesses, Kasak reportedly kept shouting, 'What are your concerns now, you whiny little bitches!?!?!? What are your concerns now!?!?!'