First, I apologize for not blogging at all last week. But I have a very good excuse: After 30 years of living a heathen existence (I turned my back on the Catholic faith when I was 8), I recently found religion, and I've been dealing with that for the past nine days.
I want to explain what happened, but first I have to issue a disclaimer:
WARNING: The following item has nothing to do with corporate communications. Those of you who read this blog only for the communication news and tactics, please tune in tomorrow. Those of you who read this blog to make yourselves feel better after hearing the details of my sad, pathetic life, read on.
I have to start this story with a rather unfortunate sentence:
I woke up the day after the Gay Pride Parade and my ass hurt.
There's just no nice way of saying that. Chicago's Gay Pride Parade, which runs right by my apartment, was last Sunday, and I woke up Monday with an intensely sore ass.
Now, I'm sure I wasn't the only one in the neighborhood feeling this way . . . but I didn't even go to the parade! I had to go to a funeral in the suburbs with my girlfriend, so we just decided to stay out there and avoid the congestion and headaches caused by thousands of men in ass-less chaps and leather thongs.
But still, my ass hurt the next day. What could it mean? Was it all in my head? I mean, my tailbone hurt so bad I couldn't sit down without a cushion.
But no, my ass pain had nothing to do with the Gay Parade. It had something to do with the funeral I attended, and this is what has been dominating my thoughts so much that I couldn't even blog.
Here's the story.
The morning of the Gay Parade, I had to go to my Uncle's funeral. My girlfriend, Cindy, was nice enough to go with me.
The night before, I had been out with my friend and mentor, Jim Ylisela, Ragan's editorial director. We were discussing serious Ragan business issues on my boat in the middle of Lake Michigan, until 1 in the morning.
Needless to say, I was very fuzzy the next day. Bleary-eyed, hung over, and miserable as I pulled into the church parking lot.
The funeral procession had not yet arrived from the funeral home, so we were the first ones there. It was about 100 degrees that day, so we decided to stumble into the church and wait there, in the air conditioning.
So we went into the church, which was empty, and stood in the back. After about two minutes, my legs starting hurting, so I leaned back against the wall.
As soon as I did, I felt like I had sat in a toilet. The entire back of my pants was suddenly completely soaked with water. I turned around, and realized, to my horror, that I had sat right in the Holy Water tub.
In fact, not only had I sat my big fat ass right in the Holy Water, but I mangled the basin in the process. It was all bent out of shape and dripping water. And my pants were soaked. (Had I not been hung over, my reaction time probably would have been a little quicker; but my reflexes were so slow, I think I was sitting in the tub for a good three seconds before I realized something was wrong).
I turned to Cindy, horrified, and told her what I did. She, of course, did what anybody else would do, and starting laughing so hard she almost wet her own pants.
So there I was, standing in church, my pants soaked with Holy Water, hung over, all by myself (Cindy had the good sense to flee the scene, before anyone else came in), wondering what to do.
I got through the day okay, but it wasn't easy. It involved standing in a lot of corners until my pants dried. And I did my best to fix the tub of Holy Water. But you can only imagine my horror as I watched family member after family member anoint themselves with water that just minutes earlier had been home to my ass.
But here's the scary part, and I swear I'm not making this up to make for a better story. The very next day, my ass hurt so bad that I couldn't sit down. My ass still hurts today, one week and two days later. It's a little better, but it still hurts.
And I can't for the life of me figure out any reason why it should, other than the fact that I dunked it in a puddle of Holy Water and desecrated the Holy Spirit or whatever it is about Holy Water that makes it Holy.
I used to think the people who saw visions of the Holy Virgin in their grilled cheese sandwiches were crazy. But not anymore. I'm a believer.
So forgive me if I've been too preoccupied to blog. But just writing this out has made me feel better, so by tomorrow I'll be ready to jump back in the saddle. With a cushion, of course.
Comments (23)
I will undoubtedly go to Hell for this, but I simply can't resist ...
Have you considered going to Confession and asking the priest to bless your ass?
I'm so sorry. I just couldn't help it. It had to be said.
(On a more sober note, I'm sorry to hear about the injury, and offer my condolences on your uncle's passing.)
Posted by DeAnna | July 7, 2005 10:39 AM
Posted on July 7, 2005 10:39
I had a funny/sad/gross moment in an Italian chapel once.
I was in Florence for an Art History class, and was exploring the town with a friend who had recently lost her mother in a car accident. Drawn by the music, we entered the small, candlelit chapel at dusk. As we absorbed the beauty around us, she began to cry for her mother. The cry was long in coming, and she had a lot of tears. But neither of us had any tissues to wipe away her smeared mascara. Then my friend very resourcefully removed a clean, new sanitary napkin from her purse and used it to dry her eyes and face!!! The sad moment was quickly lost to laughter from the horror and weird perversion of a mis-used object. I can say this, though -- it was certainly absorbant!!
Steve, I'm sorry to hear about your uncle, and am glad you found some humor to lighten the day.
Posted by Carmen | July 7, 2005 11:46 AM
Posted on July 7, 2005 11:46
Jenny,
No, I did not confess. Actually, right after it happened, the funeral procession pulled up. I tried to melt into a corner, but my cousin came right up to me with the stack of programs (or missives, or whatever the funeral book is called; program sounds to ball-gamish), and asked me to hand them out.
So I had to stand there, soaking wet from the waist down, and greet every one of my relatives and hand them a program. So there was no time to confess.
I did try to fix the basin, though. And I got the water to stop dripping. But by that point there was hardly any water left.
Stevfe
Posted by steve c. | July 13, 2005 12:22 PM
Posted on July 13, 2005 12:22
It's amazing how many of these stories bear a reference to something gay... I think it's time to add that to your official list of neuroses.
Posted by Charles Pizzo | July 26, 2005 11:30 AM
Posted on July 26, 2005 11:30
God Dammit! You are one hilarious dude Steve! After reading this post, my pants are wet too! It may not be holy water, but it is sterile!
Posted by Lee-Ann F. | August 12, 2005 11:46 AM
Posted on August 12, 2005 11:46
DATE: 07/05/2005 32:81:9P PM
Steve,
You're back! Anointed *ss and all!
Have missed your original posts and have to say I laughed OUT LOUD reading this one. Screw communications...have you ever thought about trying your hand at standup comedy? I, for one, would pay good money to see it!
Hope your *ss feels better soon...hopefully, the "pain" you are feeling did not spread to any members of your family who anointed themselves with the Holy Water after your unfortunate immersion.
Still laughing...thanks!
Posted by Sonya | October 16, 2006 4:31 PM
Posted on October 16, 2006 16:31
DATE: 07/05/2005 60:84:5P PM
I'm with Sonya. Good thing I saved reading this as the last item on my day's agenda. As a result, no one else heard me laughing. (But if they had, maybe they would have thought it was an indication of an engaged employee!)
Posted by Colleen | October 16, 2006 4:31 PM
Posted on October 16, 2006 16:31
DATE: 07/06/2005 02:00:9P PM
not being a Catholic, I can only base my observations on movie scenes involving Holy Water. it seems that Devine H20( great name for a bottled water?) interaction with evil beings tends to cause the evil beings great distress. in the movies, smoke and hissing seems to accompany these encounters.
now, i am not inferring that you are an evil being, but based on your subsequent issues during the week (lost cell, etc), there seems to be a message being sent your way.
since you didn't indicate any hissing sounds or smoke billows during the Devine H20 v. ass encounter, i would suggest you are not a totally evil being. i would suggest that you go back to the church and drop off a few Benjamins to pay for your "sins". God may like hearing you say you are sorry, but more likely, your tribulations would end once you cough up the dough to repair the basin.
after your week, I wouldn't want to take any chances until you settle your account with the big fella/lady......=]
Posted by jbr | October 16, 2006 4:31 PM
Posted on October 16, 2006 16:31
DATE: 07/06/2005 08:14:0P PM
Our closest friend, Andy, just turned 40 and had to have a rectal scope last week. He said the thing he was most looking forward to was proving once and for all to his wife that his head is indeed not up there. Maybe an exam is in order?
My parents actually have a holy water basin IN THE HOUSE. Talk about creepy. Add that to my 11 years of Catholic schooling and you understand my counseling bills. Mental note: Do not invite Steve to parents' house.
Posted by Eileen | October 16, 2006 4:31 PM
Posted on October 16, 2006 16:31
DATE: 07/06/2005 09:75:3P PM
JBR - with your keen understanding of the selling of indulgences and other church behaviors, I was convinced you were, in fact, a closet catholic. But then you blew it with the cheeky "lady" reference right there at the end...
Posted by S Neruda | October 16, 2006 4:31 PM
Posted on October 16, 2006 16:31
DATE: 07/06/2005 22:21:3P PM
Well well well. After publicly admitting my humiliation and apologizing to God publicly here in the blog . . . guess what just happened? It's already paying off.
I am at my son's house in Naperville right now, and ten minutes ago, the phone rang.
The Caller ID (how did we live without caller id?) says "Yellow Cab." Since there are no Yellow Cabs in Naperville, and I took a Yellow Cab to my Italian Language class in Chicago last night, I immediately put two and two together and answered the phone.
A woman asked for Zach. I said I was his Dad. They said they had a cell phone and this was the last number dialed (I called Zach right before leaving for class, to say good night, and since he's programmed in, he comes up as "Zach, Director of HR at Crescenzo Communications").
Sure enough . . . not only did the Iranian cab driver NOT pick up my phone and start calling all his relatives in the old country . . . he actually turned it in, and the administrative folks, instead of tagging it and throwing it in a drawer, actually started MAKING CALLS to identify the owner.
I'm getting more religious by the MINUTE, here.
By the way, these are some terrific messages. The funniest part of this blog is by far the people who comment.
Steve C.
Posted by steve c. | October 16, 2006 4:31 PM
Posted on October 16, 2006 16:31
DATE: 07/06/2005 31:12:5P PM
but Steve, you are the instigator of our "witty" replies. without such excellent material to work with, we would be quite mundane and talk about blogs for PR and blogs for Mktg and blogs for metablogging....
by the way, my "big fella/lady" naming structure was just to cover the bases....I just saw the end of "Dogma" on TV during the weekend and figured if Kevin Smith thinks Alanis Morrisette is God, then i should appease any other fans of that movie..... no "cheekiness" intended on my part....can't say the same for Steve as his cheeks started this entire thread.....don't forget to stop by the church with the Benjamins to atone for your desecration.....=]
Posted by jbr | October 16, 2006 4:31 PM
Posted on October 16, 2006 16:31
DATE: 07/06/2005 53:91:6A PM
Well . . . thanks. I guess it's pretty funny now. But I'm not kidding, weird things have been happening since I fouled the Holy Water. Not only has my ass been sore all week . . . but in the past week, I've lost my cell phone, my e-mail has crashed, my land line phone line has been shut off, and my mailbox broken into.
Now, the people in my life who know me well will say, "Yeah, that sounds about like an average week for you." But it's not. Those things all usually happen to me once a MONTH . . .but to have them all happen in the same week after the Holy Water incident is weird. AND I HAVE TO FLY TOMORROW!!!!!! And I have to fly IN THE MORNING, which means I can't even drink or anything!!!!!
Oh, God. I'm sorry. I say it publicly.
Steve
Posted by steve c. | October 16, 2006 4:31 PM
Posted on October 16, 2006 16:31
DATE: 07/06/2005 72:50:4A PM
Steve,
OK, after I posted yesterday, I had "Poster's Remorse". I wanted to go back and add a post to say that while I was laughing at your description of the events, I was not laughing at the circumstances. I am sorry to hear about your uncle's passing and certainly hope your streak of "bad luck" ends soon. Of course, it wouldn't let me post again immediately since I had been the last one to post, so please know I had "Poster's Remorse".
You just can't help that you are so funny. :) Good luck with the flying...
Posted by Sonya | October 16, 2006 4:31 PM
Posted on October 16, 2006 16:31
DATE: 07/06/2005 72:65:6A PM
Loved the story. But this *does* support the theory that you are a bedwetting, sissified, waffling loser...
As the resident heathen, let me pose the obvious question: You think the fact your ass "mangled the basin" resulting in it being all "bent out of shape" could be related to your ass injury?
Continuing on: We've established in a prior blog that you rarely open your snail mail, especially if it looks like a bill or a government document, so your phone being shut off should be no surprise. Email crashed only ONCE last week? Now that *is* a miracle. Mailbox broken into, in the city of Chicago, where guns are illegal and therefore no crime exists? That one is a mystery indeed....
My (sainted) mother would bring two vials with her on any airplane trip: one had holy water, the other, Southern Comfort...
SN
Posted by S Neruda | October 16, 2006 4:31 PM
Posted on October 16, 2006 16:31
DATE: 07/07/2005 32:64:9P PM
All I have to say is - Holy Crap - what a tale (tail?) ! :-)
Posted by Jennifer | October 16, 2006 4:31 PM
Posted on October 16, 2006 16:31
DATE: 07/08/2005 50:81:0A PM
jbr is on the right track, but I thought the living dead were actually consumed by Holy Water. I'm also surprised the church is still standing after your entry. I know I fully expect a church roof to fall on my head when I have to enter sacred ground.
You may want your gal pal, Cindy, to check your hindquarters for scorch marks just to be on the safe side.
Posted by t2ed | October 16, 2006 4:31 PM
Posted on October 16, 2006 16:31
DATE: 07/08/2005 63:83:0A PM
Oh, yes. That is the other tragedy that has befallen me since the Great Holy Water Desecration: Cindy refuses to have anything to do with the entire lower half of my body, until she gets some kind of sign from God that I am not cursed.
Any ideas, anyone?
Steve C.
Posted by steve c. | October 16, 2006 4:31 PM
Posted on October 16, 2006 16:31
DATE: 07/08/2005 71:53:5A PM
Well, since you *are* cursed, trying to convince her otherwise is a fool's errand. You are better off playing the "As long as we are going to Hell, might as well enjoy the ride" angle. Pun intended.
Posted by S Neruda | October 16, 2006 4:31 PM
Posted on October 16, 2006 16:31
DATE: 07/08/2005 80:91:0A PM
Steve - you know you have a problem when people start hovering around you like they did the water stain at Fullerton. Maybe you're not cursed...maybe you lost your cell phone because it was going to catch fire the next time you were pumping gas; maybe you're email crashed so you couldn't receive a virus that would wipe out the entire banking system of Chicago...
You're not cursed, you're blessed! Tell Cindy she should be bringing bouquets of flowers and scented candles to place around your holy ass...
Posted by Rebecca, Julie's friend | October 16, 2006 4:31 PM
Posted on October 16, 2006 16:31
DATE: 07/09/2005 32:81:9P PM
Neiman Marcus Gift Card, Steve.
And as a fellow lapsed Catholic all I can say is you were going to Hell anyway, remember? Now maybe you'll get a better table there.
Posted by Meredith | October 16, 2006 4:31 PM
Posted on October 16, 2006 16:31
DATE: 07/12/2005 18:93:8P PM
Steve:
Did anyone notice that that Holy water basin was bent out of shape and dripping water onto the floor? Did you at all approach the priest and well...confess?
Posted by Jenny | October 16, 2006 4:31 PM
Posted on October 16, 2006 16:31
DATE: 07/14/2005 01:13:1P PM
Sorry, Steve, but as a Baptist who doesn't recognize any earthly elements as having any spiritual powers, I'm not going to be much help on how to break the curse afflicting your ass. It occurs to me, though, that maybe this all proves God does indeed have a sense of humor.
Posted by Robert J Holland ABC | October 16, 2006 4:31 PM
Posted on October 16, 2006 16:31