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July 12, 2005
Question of the week
Improbable headlines
I'm working on a story for Corporate Writer and Editor's August issue, on stories that editors can do during the Dog Days of August, when all the important people are on vacation and nobody's really paying much attention to you.
As a fun sidebar, I thought it would be neat to come up with a list of stories that you'll never see in Corporate America (or Corporate Canada, or Corporate Europe, or Corporate Pacific Rim, or whatever).
I came up with about eight . . . and thought it would be fun to throw some around with this group out there. Here's my top three. Can anyone beat them:
In a liquor company's publication:
If people are driving drunk . . . we're making money!
In an airline company's publication:
We give up: We just can't seem to make any money
In an U.S.-based pharmaceutical company's publication:
Hell, our own executives are going to Canada to get their drugs
Posted by steve at July 12, 2005 4:24 PM
Comments
Hospital's publication:
Unauthorized profanity-laced cell phone call stops patient's pacemaker in Room 243
Posted by: Eileen at July 12, 2005 32:04 PM
Ha!! . . . . please tell me that didn't really happen, Eileen.
Steve
Posted by: steve c. at July 12, 2005 38:85 PM
No, but there are so many signs around saying NO CELL PHONE USE it does make one wonder...I like to play on people's fears, especially in a hospital where they are too relaxed anyway. No what really happened was the following headline...
Hospital CEO travels three hours to receive medical treatment..
Doesn't say much for our level of world-class treatment, does it?
Posted by: Eileen at July 12, 2005 39:41 PM
How about one for the tobacco companies?
"We only offer stop smoking information because of those pesky lawsuits."
Posted by: Colleen at July 12, 2005 42:21 PM
For any company's publication:
Does anyone know what CEO really stands for? If you said Cynical Egotistical Ogre -your right!
Posted by: Cathy at July 12, 2005 49:20 PM
here's a truth is stranger than fiction entry
famous religious leader in the 80s - "Please send me $8,000,000 or I am never coming down from my prayer tower and die". Of course, enough "insert adjective here" sent him the money and he was "saved".
not true, but likely....
North American auto exec - "Hell yes, I drive a Mercedes. You don't really think I would be caught in one of our "luxury" cars".
Poultry or beef producer - " Eat meat? Are you fricking crazy? You know the shit we put in these animals to make them bigger will make you grow an extra arm if you eat enough of them. I am a vegan!"
Organic produce supplier - "Organic farm? What farm? This is just stuff we grow beside the highway and have the inmates come and pick during their recreation hour. No telling what they do with the cucumbers before we sell them."
Posted by: jbr at July 13, 2005 3:65 PM
A university campus newsletter
"Hey, this place is pretty cool without those pesky rug rats!"
Posted by: Nancy S. at July 13, 2005 29:44 PM
Powerball newsletter: "Tens of millions of losers can't be wrong!"
Posted by: Meredith at July 13, 2005 39:82 PM
How about "We're Jenny Craig, and we're glad you'll gain it back"...
Posted by: Meredith at July 13, 2005 63:63 PM
Variations on a theme:
The Lottery: A Tax on People Bad at Math
(full disclosure: cant take credit for that - think I saw it on a bumper sticker. Reminds me of a tangent - Penn Jillette, as part of his and Teller's show in Vegas, has a bit where he says "I need a volunteer who is really good at math. Wait a minute, this is Vegas. None of you are very.... good... at math."
Not really relevant, but a great line...)
Posted by: S Neruda at July 13, 2005 70:15 PM
For an auto maker:
"15-year-old hybrid prototypes finally paying off."
Any publication:
"It's okay to ignore this. Everyone else does, too."
Posted by: DeAnna at July 13, 2005 80:91 PM
Way off the subject, but that's what this blog is all about some days.
Just reading the message boards at Ragan and came across this tag line under Steve Neruda's name...
I've got a fever... and the only prescription... is more cowbell!
Steve N. I must ask...What the heck?
Posted by: Eileen at July 14, 2005 12:63 PM
It's a reference to one of the all time great Saturday Night Live sketches. Gotta be seen to be really appreciated, but basically, it is a spoof of "Behind the Music" with the cast playing Blue Oyster Cult and Chris Walken playing their producer. Will Ferrill plays the cowbell as part of "Dont Fear the Reaper", really banging away, with the rest of the band getting upset with him for overwhelming the song. The running joke is Walken keeps coming in and saying "Guys,,, its great, but.... it really could use a little more cowbell" and other such lines - the quote in my sig being one of those lines.
Classic for a few reasons: It features Walken being, well.... Walken. And once you hear that cowbell once, you will hear it EVERY TIME you hear the song afterwards.
Finally, the phrase "more cowbell" has taken on a life of its own (you can get it on tshirts as such these days). For me, its a harkening back to simpler times, when 80s hair bands rules the airwaves, and not every song was so depressing it wanted to make me take my own life. Songs that feature the cowbell tend to be happy songs. Really, every song sounds better with a little cowbell on it.
Cowbell album of all time: Motley Crue's debut Too Fast For Love. Seriously, something like 8 of 10 songs feature the cowbell PROMINENTLY. And that is much more information than you wanted or needed i'm sure.
SN
Posted by: S Neruda at July 14, 2005 12:00 PM
Thanks for the insight, Steve. When it comes to '80s music, you got the beat. Rock on.
Posted by: Eileen at July 14, 2005 19:12 PM
Snack food/soda company:
"We make 'em fat, they're money makes us happy!"
"Let 'em eat crap!"
Posted by: joe cool at July 14, 2005 62:01 PM
"Company discovers overgrowth of low-hanging fruit around meeting rooms"
Posted by: Darin at July 14, 2005 83:04 PM
"Hey, I put my pants on one leg at a time. But when my pants are on, I make GOLD RECORDS!"
Posted by: S Neruda at July 18, 2005 3:65 PM
THE Bruce Dickinson??? :)
Posted by: Darin at July 18, 2005 81:80 PM
Ah, the wonder that is google...
http://mknx.com/v/cowbell.wmv
or
http://www.warb.org/d/
or
http://www.slowdown.co.uk/clips.asp
Posted by: S Neruda at July 19, 2005 11:31 AM
Oh my.
In my mind's eye, whenever I see Will Farrell I will see his belly flopping around. Thanks for that visual, SN.
Very funny. Thanks for the laugh today.
Posted by: Eileen at July 19, 2005 8:91 PM
Yes! Those are both great. Colleen, I'll go you one further, since from what I've seen from the tobacco companies, they don't even admit to any kind of strife or bad news, the headline might be:
Lawsuits? What lawsuits?
Steve C.
Posted by: steve c. at July 12, 2005 11:05 AM
Ha ha ha ha these are wonderful . . . I'm going to gather them together and put them in the Ragan Report!
Steve C.
Posted by: steve c. at July 13, 2005 10:43 AM
Execs Admit They Don't Know What 'Synergy' Means Either
Posted by: Shari S at July 13, 2005 11:13 AM
In an IT magazine:
We really don't know more than the end-users, we just use more acronyms.
OR
Rebooting: the secret way we buy time to finish our game of spider solitaire.
Posted by: Rebecca, Julie's friend at July 13, 2005 11:56 AM
Here's one I guarantee you'll never see:
CEO: 'Turns Out We Were Wrong; Employees Do Know What the Hell They're Talking About'
Posted by: Robert J Holland ABC at July 14, 2005 12:51 PM
You'll only ever get the "More Cowbell" catch phrase if you see it.
http://www.geekspeakweekly.com/cowbell/
Posted by: t2ed at July 18, 2005 10:26 AM
Oh My God...
So after I'm laughing hilariously remembering this skit from this blog posting. I actually saw it over the weekend!!! They had a "Best of Christopher Walken" tribute on SNL, and they showed this skit. Seeing Will Farrell "use the space" was more than I could take. I had forgotten how funny it actually was.
Posted by: Rebecca, Julie's friend at July 19, 2005 11:36 AM
Sadly, the link doesn't work that t2ed posted. Any other ideas?
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