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In my C.R.A.P. (Corporate Rhetoric Awards Program) Column for Ragan’s Corporate Writer and Editor this month, I asked readers to vote for the worst corporate headline of all time.
I offered my own Top Ten List, and asked readers to vote for one of those, or come up with their own. My criteria for a bad head: If you could take it word-for-word and put it in any employee publication in the land, it’s probably bad.
And it occurs to me that the folks who read this blog might want to vote, too. Here is my Top Ten. Anyone who submits one of their own will go into a drawing for a free pass to the Corporate Communicators Conference, which is going to be held this year in Chicago, on April 25-28. So have at it!
Building Leaders. I see this headline hundreds of times a year. But here’s the thing: You don’t build leaders. You build robots. You build cars. If you believe your IT person (and you should never, ever believe your IT person) you “build” Web sites, or intranets. But you don’t build leaders. You can develop leaders. You can train leaders. But you can’t build them.
Building the Future. Here we go again. What is it about corporate editors that they want to build stuff so badly? Is it because they were geeks in high school, working on the yearbook staff while all the macho guys were building engines in shop class? Face it: you’re a computer jockey. Leave the building of things to guys with crew cuts named Hank, Wally, and Stocky Joe.
Setting the Course for the New Fiscal Year. It seems that when we’re not busy building things, corporate editors are busy getting all nautical on people. We love to set courses, set sail, look over the horizon, and explore new worlds. You’ve heard of the Napoleon Complex? Corporate editors have a Magellan Complex.
A Man of Many Hats. Where did this stupid expression come from? And, more importantly, when was the last time you saw someone wearing a hat in Corporate America? Corporate Canada is a different story, because it’s so cold up there that everyone wears hats, even in the summer. But even up there, people don’t wear many hats. They wear one damned hat.
A Passion For People. I usually find this headline above stories about customer service people, along with a picture of the person pretending to talk into a phone. And when was the last time that you, personally, ran into a customer service person with a passion for people? Maybe . . . never? Most customer service people are flat out mean. If they have a passion for anything, they are passionate in their hatred for the morons they have to deal with every day.
Kudos to . . . anything. Anything at all. Anything with the word Kudos in it is a bad headline. I don’t care if it’s “Kudos to Mother Teresa.” Kudos is a stupid-ass word, and it should be forever banned from print. As I’ve said before in this space, whenever you are tempted to use it, Kudon’t do it.
Women: One of Our Strengths. We usually see this headline in companies where there are no women in the top levels of leadership. But the company editor gets a mandate from the Director of HR to profile women, so he twists himself in knots to profile women in fake, quasi-leadership positions, like the Director of HR. We find it odd that companies always single out women for these stories, and not any of the other “corporate minorities.” How come we have never once seen this headline: “Black People: One of our Strengths.”
Focus on the Future. Really, now, what else is there to focus on? Just once we’d like to see a headline that says the opposite of this: “Living In the Past! XYZ, Inc. Rests On Our Laurels.” You usually see this headline in publications where the company has put the employees through hell. It’s the editor’s secret way of saying, “We’re not allowed to talk about all that bad stuff anyway, so why not just set a new course and build a better future?”
Built to Last. Isn’t everything built to last? Does anyone in corporate America ever create a product or a system or a process or anything else and then say, “Well . . . that oughta hold until the holidays, anyway.” And if everything is built to last, is it worthy of being a headline?
Dedication = Success. Anything with an “=” sign in it is usually patronizing. (Lower costs = profitability; diversity = more market reach, etc.) And, in this case, it is also false. I know a guy who is very dedicated to his writing. He’s up every day at 5 a.m., and he writes for two hours, before his children get up. Every morning he does this. Yet he’s never had anything published. He is not a success. Nice guy, but a total, abject failure. So his dedication ≠ success. His dedication = failure. See, you need more than dedication. You need talent and a plan and luck and lots of other stuff.
Blog readers: Any generic corporate headlines you want to throw up here? Change is the only constant, maybe. Or Taking Advantage of Synergy!
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Feels like Total Recall. Er, Philip K Dick?
Actually, with Steve's example it's a bit scary --- standing at the urinal...
Comments (18)
I was pretty sure I'd seen worse, so I hit my files. Sure enough, there it was -- the 28-page glossy I'd preserved (for reasons passing understanding) that was subtitled "Committed to Communication." There's some delightful glurge in it, a riot of headlines like "The Pay-Offs of Communication" and "Communicating Amidst the Chaos" (headline photo: two clerks "communicating about a claim" -- I shit you not) and "Communicating Key Issues in [insert department name here]." My favorite from this ancient relic, however, is in the Benefits Update "department": Total Compensation Adds Up to More Than What's on Your Pay Check. Yes, that's a direct quote. Leave aside for the moment that there's really no better way for a corporation to say, "No, you shouldn't expect a raise this year, you thankless freeloaders." Your Total Compensation can't "add up" to anything. It's the TOTAL, ya know? That's like saying my Total Energy Bill adds up to more than my electric bill. Say what?
Thank God, it was printed on recycled paper. :P
Posted by DeAnna B | November 17, 2005 6:33 PM
Posted on November 17, 2005 18:33
I've always had a particular fondness for what I call the Cinematic Clunkers.
It's a genre.
In the 1970s, employees were always reading about "Close Encounters ... of the Productive Kind."
More recently, editors played off Tom Cruise's movie Mission Impossible, and every single headline about a a year's goals was "Mission: POSSIBLE!"
No doubt, as the Johnny Cash biopic comes out today, editors are brainstorming in the shower: "Walk the (Bottom) Line."
Posted by David Murray | November 18, 2005 7:14 AM
Posted on November 18, 2005 07:14
The loud laughing coming from my cubicle is beginning to draw unwanted attention.
Posted by Kathy F. | November 18, 2005 8:09 AM
Posted on November 18, 2005 08:09
One of my most hated is "Win-Win Situation" (e.g. "Team Building Creates Win-Win Situation."
While the idea is to stress a relationship in which both sides benefit, I think it also implies there is a competition going on. I simply don't buy that in terms of a relationship, whether it is professional or personal.
I think it is particularly ridiculous when those two groups work for the same company. I can "see" the opening statement of a internal news story: "The Marketing and Communications departments worked together to create a Win-Win marketing campaign." Well, duh... of course they worked together - and I hope they did so to help the company increase profits; it wasn't a competition as to who had better ideas.
Although, it would be fun to read, "The Communications department pummeled Marketing personnel into submission to accept a kick-ass campaign that increase our profits by 38%. The Marketing department repeatedly came up with trite, creative-less ideas that Communications successfully debunked before developing a great direct mailer. This certainly wasn't a win-win situation between communications and marketing because Marketing is now licking its wounds, but damn, the company is doing great now."
Posted by Mark Lindner | November 18, 2005 8:28 AM
Posted on November 18, 2005 08:28
I'm from the first TV-as-babysitter generation. As I glanced through one of the magazines that I edited, I found frightening evidence of my influences.
In one article, I found the subheads "Family Ties," "Let's Make a Deal" and "Great Expectations" (mixing in a little classic literature) along with the everlovin' corporate standby "A Foundation for the Future."
I'm clearly sick and confused. Kudos for me!
Posted by Kathy F. | November 18, 2005 8:31 AM
Posted on November 18, 2005 08:31
O my God! I have to stop looking. I just found "Built to Last," "Mission Possible" and "Plotting the Course" -- in one issue!
My only rationalization is that these are all from 2002, before I was thoroughly Crescenzoized.
Steve, this is more painful than therapy.
Posted by Kathy F. | November 18, 2005 8:40 AM
Posted on November 18, 2005 08:40
Steve - you're not playing nice! And after all of your talk about getting the IT peeps and the communications peeps to talk to one another. What am I going to do with you?
Adding to the Cinematic Theme, there is also the Whatever-Song-Is-Popular Theme...
For instance: "Let's Get it Started!" Are you kidding me??? (on a side note for those who have used this particular song, I think it's important to note that the original version of this song was "Let's Get Retarded" - now THAT's fun.)
Kathy - have you done this, too??? If you have any good headlines from 80's songs, I would love to see those.
Posted by Rebecca (the token IT person) | November 18, 2005 12:17 PM
Posted on November 18, 2005 12:17
How about: "Moving Forward Together." As if you'd move backwards, or apart, or stand still?
And then, there's this one: "Committed to Making a Difference." Ouch. Who's going to be committed to doing nothing?
Posted by carmen | November 18, 2005 1:21 PM
Posted on November 18, 2005 13:21
I work for a sporting goods company that recently introduced a new soccer shirt to the market and used the headline (I'll leave the company name out to protect the innocent): "Company Celebrates New Jersey."
Posted by Valarie | November 18, 2005 2:42 PM
Posted on November 18, 2005 14:42
While we've managed to steer clear of movies and songs, I am still so embarrassed! Before I knew Steve I thought it was okay that Challenging New Opportunities Educate Leaders; Process Excellence is Key to Results; and Engineering Good Customer Service is Key. (hummm...we seem to have the "keys" to a lot of information - is that stuff locked?!)
But the best, no, the worst headline: Fact About Chronic Disease. ewwww...
Posted by Teala Kail | November 18, 2005 4:26 PM
Posted on November 18, 2005 16:26
So what I'm hearing is my headline for my upcoming newsletter from one of our loan officers on the pros and cons of interest-only loans that reads Interest-only loans: Are they a fistful of dollars or the good, the bad and the ugly of home loans? is a clunker? Ugh.
Posted by kevin | November 23, 2005 12:59 PM
Posted on November 23, 2005 12:59
In Corporate Canada we don't wear hats, we wear touques (google "touque" if you are confused by that word).
Mind you, not all of Corporate Canada does.
Some companies will throw you out of the igloo and into the snowbank for the polar bears to eat if you don't wear the right clothes or, Mother Nature forbid, don't look like the cookie-cutter employee that has been airbrushed on the dress code brochure.
I'd provide more insight, but I have to go now. We only have one computer for the whole village to share and my time is up for this month. And yes, obviously the village idiot is also allowed to use the computer. We're an equal opportunity and multi-cultural society, eh.
Posted by Craig the Canadian | November 23, 2005 1:37 PM
Posted on November 23, 2005 13:37
My vote is for “Focus on the Future.” And what does that future hold? Say it with me: challenges and opportunities; an even more rapid pace of change; fierce competition; an ever-changing marketplace landscape; promise (em dash for dramatic effect) and uncertainty.
My nominations:
Headline road kill, part 1: any form of the words “success” and “partner.”
Partnering for Success
Partners in Success
The Road to Success Is Paved with Partnerships
Partnerships Point the Way to Success
And this beauty I just found in an employee newsletter from 2000 B.M.T. (Before My Time):
Successful Reps Tell How To Achieve Sales Improvement Success
In fairness, here’s deck head I must claim as my own:
A Customer Partnership That Goes Deeper Than Business
Headline road kill, part 2: “Beyond.”
Beyond Selling Product
Beyond Strategy
Beyond Good Enough
Headline road kill, part 3: Any combination of “meeting” and “needs,” which are invariably “unique.”
Partnering To Meet Our Customers’ Unique Needs
Smith Finds, Meets Company X’s Unique Needs
Customizing Unique Solutions to Meet Unique Needs
Posted by Glennchuck | November 23, 2005 5:10 PM
Posted on November 23, 2005 17:10
What about the ones dealing with Employee Assistance Program assistance? I've recently unearthed a series of newsletters from 1998 - 2002 which all feature headlines like "Work Got You Stressed?" It's all about how to handle depression, stress, work-weariness....and yes, they actually used the headline, "Are you work-weary?" at one point.
Of COURSE we're all work-weary! That's a rhetorical question. ;o)
Posted by Jennifer | November 28, 2005 3:35 PM
Posted on November 28, 2005 15:35
I recently started a new job with an international company that is known for its philanthropic efforts. The ONLY reason I would share this horrific headline is because it was written before I came on board ... Needless to say, my first order of business was to rewrite it before our corporate mag. went to press:
Tsunami Brings Flood of Assistance from XXX Employees
Yikes.
Posted by John | November 29, 2005 10:56 AM
Posted on November 29, 2005 10:56
Oh . . . My . . . God. John, are you serious? Was the person aware of what he/she was writing, and trying to be clever? Or was the person just dense? That is amazing . . . .
Steve C.
Posted by Steve C. | November 29, 2005 12:47 PM
Posted on November 29, 2005 12:47
How about the class of "Did You Ever Wonder" headlines? To answer those who wrote them, no, I never wondered about who our key leaders were or how to better fill out my timecard. Well, actually one time I did wonder. It was the "Did you ever wonder how your benefits work?" headline. I did wonder, but the article didn't help me at all.
Posted by ABG | November 30, 2005 10:39 AM
Posted on November 30, 2005 10:39
I'd rather go with my favorite headlines, both from disreputable tabloids:
Squirrels Go Nuts Over Crack Cocaine
Dying Man's Brain Transplanted to Coma Girl: She Wakes, Speaks With His Voice!
Posted by John | December 1, 2005 10:25 PM
Posted on December 1, 2005 22:25