This is the rare column I could not relate to - I dont think i've even seen such an article in our stuff, amazingly enough (one point in the 'good' column for us!).

Instead , we have "cube safety tips" courtesy of the Environmental Health and Safety folks - ie "no open flames; no more than 16 power strips in any single outlet, Mr Griswold," that kind of stuff.

Your note *did* however, bring out one of my many, many pet peeves. The term "veggies." Vegetables suck. Always have, always will. A necessary evil, I'll agree, but that does not change the fact they are evil personified. Giving them a cutesy name like "veggies" does not make them better. I blame the Fonz for starting this ugly, ugly naming trend.

Only thing worse are the lunatics who insist on using the modifier "fresh" every god damn time they say "veggies." Usually in a sing-songy voice one might use with a 3 year-old, as if that will make those hellspawn more appealing (or is that a-peel-ing?). Why must one always use "fresh" as if marketing the product? Do we really think they might be pushing "rotten" or "stale" produce on us if they dont specify?

And, no, it is not to distinguish from "frozen." It's just to be pushy and superior. Enough with the "fresh" "veggies" already! Enough I say!

There, I feel better.

Steve,

Here's another stupid idea I've seen in these articles..."Why not be the person who brings a healthy dish to the holiday party?" (Can't you just hear the gag-me chirpiness??)

Yeah right! Like I want to be the loser who foists off the dip with fat-free (read: taste free) sour cream when that to-die-for spinach dip with mayo and four kinds of cheese is already on the table?! That's the way to be sure I never get invited to another party, and then I'd miss out on all that bourbon-laced eggnog! Forget it! I bring the highest butter content shortbreads I can find when I go to holiday parties, preferably chocolate dipped!

Writing for a hospital WITH a full scale Wellness Department, you can bet your sweet bippy I've written a ton of these...let's see...seven years at this post, so six horrible articles. I declined from writing one this year, however. (I think I'm maturing.)

And Steve N., I agree on the "fresh" adjective. It's like when McDonald's started advertising McNuggets: "Now made with real chicken meat." Made me gag just thinking about the crap I'd been allowing my three-year-old to eat up until then.

What these articles never address is the plethora of office-sponsored holiday parties that go on this time of year and how you can avoid them without raising the ire of your superiors.

My communications team is part of a subset of the HR group and then of course, part of the HR group overall and we office with a completely different group of people. We have already had three different holiday luncheons since the week of Thanksgiving and have one more at the end of the week.

In addition to this, one VP had an "office" party at his home this past weekend and is co-throwing with another VP yet another party tomorrow night after we spend all day in an HR meeting. I don't mind the ones that take place during the work day so much, although I think four in the span of a few weeks is a bit much, but I do mind two outside of work that take place practically back-to-back.

I mean, no offense, but I spend all day with office people...on the weekends and after work in the evenings I would like to spend my time at the holidays with family and friends. Not to mention, the money I have to spend bringing food/Secret Santa/White Elephant gifts to all these occasions that would be better served to buy gifts for loved ones.

Unfortunately, I am feeling a little pressure to produce "face time" at these events. And, since I am on a doctor-prescribed diet to lose 30 pounds and am halfway to my goal, all of these office-sponsored eating occasions are tough to handle. I am doing okay so far, but not without extreme bitterness!

OK, thanks for letting me rant...

Tip for staying healthy at the holidays: Be healthy the rest of the year so that 1) it's a habit by the time the parties start, and 2) if you do eat 30 pounds of sugar cookies (ahhh, sweet, sweet sugary buttery goodness) it won't show quite so badly. :P

Holiday tip number two for staying slim: fatten up the people around you. If *they* eat all the dip, YOU look thinner.

We're "fresh veggie," Splenda-only, fruit-for-dessert types. Guess what I'm bringing to the family Christmas party this year? Pound cake. Real, old-fashioned, homemade pound cake. Great-Great-Grandma's recipe, so-named for the ingredients: a pound of flour, a pound of sugar, a pound of eggs, a pound of butter ...

I get fatter just reading the recipe. Bet your sweet bippy I'll be having a slice! I'll dip it in chocolate syrup, too! :D

There's a great comment in one of the weathered Reader's Digests in my "library" (aka on top of the toilet tank) at home:

"The worst thing about office parties is finding a new job the next day." (Phyllis Diller, I think)

Glad to know that at Crescenzo Communications' party, I could go so far as to foul the punchbowl and still be on the top 10 employees' list. Cool.

You forgot the great, "Fill up on water and vegetables BEFORE you go to the party."

I actually do this one, considerin' my butt used to be much wider (and I'd like it to stay slimmer).

Wait! McNuggets weren't made of chicken...?

In the words of Seinfeld on Saturday Night Live (spoofing himself on a game show): "What part of the chicken to McNuggets come from? If they come from where I McThink they do, I don't want to McEat them!"

At this point, I'd be happy to hear that they came from a chicken at all.

I actually hate to have to weigh in (get it, weigh in??) but our most helpful tip was get a designated driver. Yup, the worst thing that can happen to one of our employees is a DUI, especially if he or she needs a valid driver's license to do the job.

If you get a DUI, you're supposed to report it to your boss so you can be reassigned to something that doesn't require driving until you get your license back, so we prefer our imbibers to not drive at all.

Oh, and that company holiday party with alcohol? Forgitaboutit. We'll spring for the food and soft drinks, but you pay your own way into Sheriff Joe's tent city jail, friend.

So eat up all you want, as far as we're concerned, just say no no no instead of ho ho ho if you get too looped to drive.

The very word "wellness" annoys me. "Health" wasn't good enough?

So far we haven't been ordered to publish a seasonal health reminders article (sound of me knocking on wood), only a pre-Thanksgiving e-mail telling folks that if the holidays get too stressful or depressing for them, they can always call our employee assistance program.

So will it be a holiday season free of painful stories for us? Ho, ho, ho no. Word came down from on high yesterday that we need to start beating the drum in our communications vehicles for the cause of safety in the workplace. We're a company full of desk jockeys, so it looks like we'll be slaying the carpal tunnel dragon. Oh, goody.

Greg

Well, I lied in my first post... just picked up a handout on "Twelve ideas to keep your holidays healthy." Relatively inoffensive, although it does set the bar nice and low by including #2: "Don't go on a diet - maintaining your weight over the holidays is challenge enough."

We did, however, err on #7: "Take a guilt free platter of cut vegetables with low fat dip if you are invited to a party." As far as I'm concerned, that's a firing offense.

Anyone suffering from seasonal political correctness?

From the archives, another holiday classic.

Our Christmas Party

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 01, 2005
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 02, 2005
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 03, 2005
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA
Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 04, 2005
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit furthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*@king Employees
DATE: October 05, 2005
RE: The F*@king Holiday Party

Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your F*@king salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 06, 2005
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

*********************************

Ah, if only all desk jockey injuries were carpal tunnel related, Greg.

Let's see, we had one employee injured due to a fall off a toilet. Another employee fell up a flight of stairs. Then there was the collision where one employee came out of his cube as another was striding by - that one resulted in knee surgery for the cubicle resident. Of course, who can forget the case of the scaled thumb? (Moral to that story is don't put your thumb under the hot water spigot of the coffee maker.)

And none of these examples have a thing to do with well-meaning holiday wellness tips!

excellent note Clare. This friday is our local team's food day - and we (true story) had one employee ask if "all" contributions could be vegetarian, so she could participate. Not some, ALL.

Seriously, what is wrong with people?

Unbelievable. Are people getting more extreme or does their ridiculousness just annoy me more?

Are you kidding me about the vegetarian request, Neruda?

I actually don't eat fruits or hardly any vegetables and yet I have never requested that any gathering I go to be "meat" only because I am a carnivore! For the love...I just eat what I can/will at gatherings and avoid the rest. To me, it is so much more apropos to do that than make a big fuss about it.

And before anyone gets too freaked out by my dietary choices, I should state that I drink a lot of fruit juices (good ones, not sugary) and eat some vegetables, mainly bean or potatoes in origin.

Neruda---oh now THAT'S intriguing!

"Excellent note Clare. This friday is our local team's food day - and we (true story) had one employee ask if "all" contributions could be vegetarian, so she could participate. Not some, ALL."

I have a few veggie friends, but their redeeming quality is knowing they're in the minority & not expecting everyone else to follow suit. If they like veggie stuff, and potluck is the order of the day, they bring a veggie dish.

I'm curious what the employee's response was after they heard "uh, no freakin' way" or something to that effect?

She was told (by the person in charge, who was not me, thankfully) "ummm, well, feel free to bring something then..."

As it turned out, we had a ridiculous amount of stuff, and due to the nature of food day items (cookies, brownies, cakes, pies, etc etc etc, most was lacking meat(if not exactly what you envision when you think "vegetarian"). Although we did have the usual bbq meatballs, and similar items. Didnt see anyone run screaming out of the room, so that was good.

Anyone telling me "meat is murder" tends to get met with a reply of "salad is suicide."

For my part, I made my infamous Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs (extra points for getting the naming reference...), a meat-free (although not vegan approved) item.

I need to "meat" more vegetarian friends like you have, Laurel. The ones I know (of the personal-choice, and not the religious-requirement variety) tend to be known for their air of superiority and judgemental attitudes. Come to think of it, that's at least ONE thing I have in common with those folks...

-Neruda

Neruda---choc-frosted sugar bombs----wan't that a Calvin & Hobbes breakfast favorite? If not that, then another Sunday comics-type thing? Would love to hear your recipe, sister....oops, dude.

The veg-potluck thing has been pretty unintrusive & kind of educational---like wow, I had no idea tofu could taste so unlike toxic waste! I wouldn't ever say I was thrilled w/what showed up, but it usually tasted better than I would have thought. Before holiday dinners w/my sister-in-law, I usually announce that "the dead animals on the menu will be thus-n-such, and we'll also be serving veggie lasagne"---a half-pan of Stouffers keeps the peace. =)

Laurel

PS----ask your veggie friends what their shoes are made out of; I'm dying to know! Ha-HA!

A friend of mine with a peanut allergy (a fact known by all within her office) went to her work Holiday/Christmas/Seasonal (which should I use - we're really not hung up on these things in London?) party in NYC the other day to find there were only two dishes that did not contain peanuts. Given the fact that all other dishes did contain peanuts she didn't feel comfortable eating the two without as they would likely be contaminated.

Now I'm all for not pandering to the smallest minority but please, all her colleagues know about this allergy so this case is a little insensitive! I suggested that there may be a possibility the party organiser is not her greatest fan :)

As for what to call an office party at this time of year, my American boss refuses to call a party in London a "Christmas" party as she is from the very politically correct US! However, the rest of our London office are very vocal in their displeasure at it being labelled a "Holiday" party! Even our Jewish Finance Manager was totally up for the idea of Christmas trees in the office to promote the charity toy drive, and also turned up to the corporate dept "Christmas" lunch wearing "Christmas" decorations!

The BBC ran a great piece this week on different faiths activities during this holiday in the UK - http://www.bbc.co.uk/religion/religions/features/christmas/index.shtml. I posted it on our employee portal to hopefully help raise awareness that the whole world isn't so hung up on these issues. Would be interested to hear whether anyone else struggles with these issues internally.

Clare---great article--thanks for the link!

I wonder if all the PC'ness and bending over backwards in the US might be more for trying (erroneously, I think) not to offend someone else, vs. having our own beliefs not trampled upon directly.

Case in point, on Halloween, I came to work dressed as a pregnant nun. I am pregnant (and not Catholic, but I'm a sympathizer). I wasn't showing "enough," so I stuffed w/one of my daughter's round My Little Pony decorative pillows. The reaction at work was mostly amused, positive, although some people questioned whether I made the best choice in view of "anyone I might offend"----in fact, the only even slightly negative feedback I got was from NON-Catholics who figured I must be p*ssing off the Catholics, & therefore should have re-thought.

HOWEVER, the people who were most amused/least offended and took it in the good humor (not laughing at, but laughing with) that I intended WERE Catholic people. A co-worker who had started school to become a priest in his 20s, and who still gives off a calm, priest-like aura (although he's now a wildlife biologist in his early 50s), asked my permission to take a few dig pix to send to his friends in the religious community. To him it was a hoot. We did have a good laugh at the possible next Sunday's announcements from the pulpit "Burning in Hell this week will be Laurel Willoughby.....and donuts will be served in the rectory following Mass."

So go figure. It's one thing to say--that offends me, can we discuss it?---but it's another to get all bent out of shape over maybe/possibly/theoretically offending someone else, then turning all of society on its ear to follow some erroneous line of thought. Only in America, I guess.

OK off soapbox, back to Xmas cookie scarfing. =)

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