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January 17, 2006
New consulting services!
Crescenzo Communications is proud to announce a new line of consulting services!
I got the idea during an e-mail exchange I had with a client earlier today. We were trying to set up a conference call, and I asked if she could do it this Friday.
She said she couldn’t, because she had to go to a mandatory, all-day meeting on a very boring topic. She was dreading the meeting.
“I may cheat and have [my colleague] call my cell phone with an emergency. Is that bad?” she wrote.
Bad? I wrote back. Bad? It is pure genius.
And it gave me an idea for a new line of services that I could provide. If you hire me, I will get you out of any corporate or organizational function you don’t want to be at. HR meetings, anything to do with lawyers, diversity training sessions, financial meetings with accountants . . . . you’ll never have to go to one of these meetings again.
After all, as a consultant, you pay me lots of money, right? So if I call with an emergency, you better drop everything you’re doing and get back to me.
Then, we can chat for a while about food and wine and the Cubs and Paris, while the rest of the poor slobs have to sit through the meeting and assign each other more work.
I figure I’ll offer different tiers of service.
For the most basic level, I just provide you with cutting-edge tools and best practices for getting out of meetings. For example, there’s a trick shop around the corner from my house that sells little capsules filled with what looks like blood.
I’ll send you some of those, you pop a couple in your mouth, and 20 minutes into the meeting you chomp down on the capsules and let the "blood" dribble down your chin and all over your chest (you can’t do it right away; it will look suspicious. That is the kind of consulting advice I bring to the table). Once the blood starts flowing, you just have to get up and stagger out of the room, mumbling something about a cerebral hemorrhage.
Of course, this should probably be a one-time-only tactic. Otherwise, people may get wise. But I have a lot of these kinds of tactics . . . I just can’t share them all here, otherwise nobody will hire me. But just to tease you, one of my best tactics involves a balloon filled with urine and a pin.
For the next level of service, you get me personally. I will actually call your cell phone, send a message to your Blackberry, beep you, and have them page you over your inter-office intercom. The message over the intercom will be simple but effective;
“Mr. Jones, Mr. Crescenzo the high-priced consultant is on the phone. He says, and I quote, ‘It’s all falling apart. The entire campaign is about to go in the toilet. We need to meet immediately or lose thousands of dollars.’ Please drop whatever you’re doing and call him back immediately.”
Of course, the key to this strategy will be the sequence of messages. First, I’ll call your cell. You will have “accidentally” left it on . . . and will act very irritated by the call. Then your blackberry thingie will beep (those things do beep, don’t they?). Again, you will show even more irritation. Then your pager will go off. At this point, people will notice. They may even ask you if you need to leave for a minute.
You will say no. “It appears I have a fire to put out, but I think it must wait,” you will say. “What we are doing here in this room is too important to cut short.”
Everyone will respect you for taking the meeting seriously. But then we will cut in with that inter-office intercom page, and they will beg you to go take care of business. You, of course, will never go back.
For our top-tier clients, we get really creative. Some of the things we will offer at that level:
* We will hire homeless people to sneak into your office complex and pull the fire alarm, so the entire building has to evacuate.
* We will page the other people in the meeting with fake emergency messages about their cars being on fire and other stuff like that (we will not actually set their cars on fire . . . not at this level of service, anyway.). That way, they have to leave. And when they do, you can act really irritated and say things like, “Hey, I busted my ass to clear this time on my calendar; I honestly don’t know when I’ll have the chance to meet again.” Of course, you will never have the time to meet again, and it will be the other person’s fault.
* We will fabricate an entire false Outlook Calendar for you, filled with important meetings with the high-priced consultant, so that nobody can even think about booking a meeting with you.
This last example is the sort of service that sets Crescenzo Communications apart, I think, from the other consultants. Any consultant can get you out of a meeting once it starts. It takes proactive, strategic thinking to help you avoid getting invited to the meeting in the first place. And that’s what Crescenzo Communications is all about: proactive, strategic, cutting-edge, world-class, empowered, paradigm-shifting thinking.
If you’re interested in these or any other services, please contact my COO, Cindy, at 773-472-1629. Thank you.
Posted by steve at January 17, 2006 5:43 PM
Comments
I'll admit to having my secretary page me 10 minutes into a worthless meeting I didn't feel like attending. Best meeting I never attended.
Posted by: Timmy at January 18, 2006 2:21 PM
You didn't hear this from me . . . however, my manager has been known to give my cohort and I instructions to page her if she isn't out of a meeting by a certain time (or even 10 minutes into a meeting ala Timmy).
Of course, that does mean she has to keep a straight face when reading an "emergency" page. And, that page just might be about the fact that it's National Condom Week and would it be OK if we use that as the topic of the "teaser" for the day's edition of our online employee newsletter.
Posted by: Colleen at January 18, 2006 8:19 PM
Where's my proof reader???? I know, it should read . . . my cohort and me.
Posted by: Colleen at January 18, 2006 8:21 PM
Steve: As the Guinness guys say... Brilliant!
Posted by: ShariS at January 19, 2006 1:31 PM
Technology can do this for you now. No need for witnesses.
Many cellphones now have an option where you can pre-program your phone to "call itself" at a specified time. You can then fake the entire conversation after it rings and be on your way.
Posted by: G. Warten at January 24, 2006 2:40 PM
G. The G. must stand for genius. What a terrific idea.
I just programmed my phone to ring every 15 minutes, just in case I'm ever in a conversation I want to get out of. Thanks for that.
Steve C.
Posted by: Steve C. at January 24, 2006 3:25 PM
I wish the technology component of that suggestion was my idea.
If so, I wouldn't be lurking around your blog (no offence). I'd probably be some rich eccentric recluse (okay, I’d bring my wife too) soaking in the sun on some tropical island.
Personally, I’m waiting for the phone that will attend the meeting for me. Better that, I’m waiting for the phone that will work for me … while I soak in the sun on some tropical island.
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