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Crescenzo Communications has a new employee!
This brings our head count to 3, now. Those of you who read this blog know that my other employee is my six-year-old son, Zach, who is the vice president of Human Resources.
By the way, Zach just switched us to a fully automated HR system. Since he doesn’t have his own computer, his system is fairly simple. If I want to talk to him about HR or anything else work related, I write him a note about it and put it in a coffee can in his bedroom. He checks the can, as far as I can tell, about once every three weeks.
Sort of like the systems other big companies use, but more low-tech.
Anyway, our new employee is my new wife, Cindy. Cindy has worked for us part-time for the last couple of years, doing various administrative odds and ends. Now she’s coming on full-time to run the entire company.
Those of you who know me know that I’m not much of a numbers guy. And I’m not much of a businessman. And I’m not real organized. And I’m not much in the area of client relations. And I'm no marketer. And I’m not much of a planner.
Really, when you get right down to it, I’m not much of anything, other than a writer and a speaker and an employee communications consultant . . . and it wouldn’t be hard to find people who would argue that I’m not that good at some of those things, either.
Anyway, Cindy used to be the director of marketing at the Chicago Symphony Orchestra, and the director of development for the Chicago League of Theaters. Working for the arts is fun, but it takes its toll on your soul . . . so she decided to make the move to corporate America.
She’s going to be doing everything I don’t do: she has already (gasp) put a budget together; she’s putting in filing systems and invoicing systems and an accounting system and all kinds of other systems.
So far, I have to say, she has been an enormous pain in the ass.
Tuesday was Cindy’s first day, and it was a disaster. Here’s a breakdown:
7:30 a.m. The alarm goes off, and I start the business day by hitting the snooze alarm. Seventeen times.
8:47 a.m. I finally get up. Unbeknownst to me, Cindy has been up since 6:45 a.m., learning how to do Quickbooks and sorting through the shoebox full of receipts that serves as my tax return system.
8:51 a.m. I tell Cindy that as of January 1, 2006, due to a policy change at Crescenzo Communications, the official employee orientation program now involves sex in the shower. She closes the door to her office.
9:07 a.m. With my hand sore from knocking on the door, I finally give up on the “orientation = sex in the shower” argument, and answer some e-mails.
10:15 a.m. “Time for lunch,” I say to Cindy. “It’s 10 in the morning,” she says. “El Jardin’s opens at 10:30,” I say. “If we walk, we can get there just as they open.” I know this, because I have done it 765 times in the past five years. I may not have any other business systems, but when it comes to lunch, my systems kick ass. “I have work to do,” Cindy says. I’m beginning to think that Cindy has what’s known in the corporate world as “an attitude problem,” and “might not be a good fit” for the “Crescenzo Corporate Culture.”
11:00 a.m. Cindy shows me the new expense sheet system, which will involve me actually filing my receipts right after a trip, so that we can be reimbursed more quickly by the client. My old system was to turn in the expenses whenever the ATM machine stopped giving me money. Her system seems like a pain in the ass. I contemplate firing her.
11:30 a.m. Cindy says she needs to meet. Finally! Orientation! But alas . . . she wants to go over the proposed budget, and wants me to give her an estimate of my monthly income. Jesus, talk about a verbal cold shower.
12:00 a.m. Cindy is now working on putting together a business plan, which she plans on taking to a bank to see if we can get a business line of credit loan. “It will help with cash flow,” she tells me. “What’s cash flow?” I ask her. “Please leave my office,” she says.
12:10 p.m. I go to the branch office, El Jardin’s, for lunch. Cindy stays behind to work. I start practicing what I’m going to say when I fire her. She’s just not Crescenzo Communications material, I’m afraid.
3:30 p.m. Back from lunch! Three margaritas has me REALLY feeling like some orientation now. Some SERIOUS orientation. But Cindy is nowhere to be found. Slacker! Just the excuse I need to ditch her, I think to myself, settling into bed with my iPod.
4:15 p.m. Cindy wakes me up. She has been to the bank, the office supply store, and Best Buy, to buy some things that will network our computers together. I decide it’s not good a good idea to fire someone when you’re groggy from your nap, so she gets a reprieve.
5:00 p.m. “Quitting time,” I tell Cindy. “Should we go get a cocktail?” “Not yet,” she says. "I’ve got about another hour here.” Some quick calculations in my head tell me that on her first day, Cindy put in more hours than I do in typical work week, if I’m not on the road. She’s really going to knock the hell out of the culture if she's not stopped. She has to go. I just put a note in Zach’s coffee can, asking him the best way to do it. It’s going to be dicey, because Zach likes Cindy. But personal feelings can’t get in the way of business, right?
I’ll keep you updated out here as to what happens. Meanwhile, if anyone out there needs a super competent, smart, charming, expert marketer and fundraiser who knows a lot about things like surveys and focus groups, I know just the person.
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Feels like Total Recall. Er, Philip K Dick?
Actually, with Steve's example it's a bit scary --- standing at the urinal...
Comments (19)
Steve, Cindy sounds great! No wonder you hired her. :) Once she gets all your budget, expense, office, and computer needs taken care of, will she also put in a system that helps you respond to e-mail promptly? I am sure I speak for many of us who love your seminars and love your work, only to feel the slight pang of disappointment when we never get an e-mail back with the attachments you told us you would be happy to send us if we e-mailed you after the seminar. :)
Or maybe this goes under the blog entry about your professional New Year's Resolutions?!
Just kidding, Steve...good luck with your new employee!
Posted by Sonya | January 5, 2006 4:32 PM
Posted on January 5, 2006 16:32
Easy does it, Steve....if you don't watch yourself, Cindy might fire you!
Posted by Kasia Chalko | January 5, 2006 4:37 PM
Posted on January 5, 2006 16:37
I want a divorce.
Posted by Cindy | January 5, 2006 4:54 PM
Posted on January 5, 2006 16:54
ROFLMAO!
Sorry for the net-ese, but I'm afraid nothing else cuts it. This is an absolute riot, and the exact reason why my husband and I decided after an abortive venture about 5 years ago that we should never ever work together again. :D This system has worked great for us.
Cindy, I figure you've got at least 3 weeks to get him organized -- it'll take at least that long for Zach ... I mean HR ... to reply through the automated system.
Posted by DeAnna B | January 5, 2006 5:30 PM
Posted on January 5, 2006 17:30
There's a punchline that is just writing itself about the fact that if you do fire her (and seriously I don't think you should) and that someone else hires her, there'll be a orientation program there too.
;-)
MS
Posted by Marc Snyder | January 5, 2006 5:34 PM
Posted on January 5, 2006 17:34
Hats off to you and (especially) Cindy! My husband and I don't even work for the same outfit, and we have trouble enough trying to share space in a home office. (separate desks, of course)
We were both in here working over the holidays, and he complimented my choice of music for the stereo. The truth of it is, he had been whistling his annoying little tunes and I had to drown it out with something! I should get an iPod...
Posted by Laura | January 5, 2006 11:58 PM
Posted on January 5, 2006 23:58
Hey when did you become such a whiny little weasel? Maybe your phone bill will be paid now and you'll be able to answer the phone when I call you. I would like to see that budget. My guess is that 96% of your budgeted expenses will revolve around alcohol and gambling. Tell Cindy I said good luck in her new position. She will definitely need it. Also let her know I would be more than happy to refer her to a great labor attorney if you terminate her employment for refusing your sexual advances. On the other hand if she does cave in on the advances she can find solace in the fact that it only took up a minute of her day.
Posted by Eliot | January 6, 2006 12:58 AM
Posted on January 6, 2006 00:58
Sonya: YES! That is exactly what she is going to do. See, I start every seminar with the best intentions, then I go off on all these tangents and start covering materials I didn't plan on covering, so I want to get everyone those materials . . . and the presentation itself is so big that it doesn't fit through most firewalls, so I think I'm sending it out to all these people but it keeps coming back and I lose track of who I sent it to and who I didn't . . . and it's a mess. Cindy is going to have a system set up BEFORE I go on the road. It's going to make everything so much better, if I don't fire her.
Eliot: You write: >>>>On the other hand if she does cave in on the advances she can find solace in the fact that it only took up a minute of her day.<<<<
A FULL minute? What, am I supposed to orient her three times?
Steve C.
Posted by Steve C. | January 6, 2006 6:25 AM
Posted on January 6, 2006 06:25
Who are you kidding? When's the last time you were able to do it three times. And I'm hoping the use of the word "orient" wasn't a wisecrack regarding the sexual stanima of men of my racial background.
Posted by eliot | January 6, 2006 8:54 AM
Posted on January 6, 2006 08:54
Cinder, God Bless ya sis!
Steve, you are a P-I-G, pig...but a damn funny one. Let me know when Crescenzo Communications is in need of a meeting planner. As you know, I'm a big fan of your Branch office at El Hardins. I will of course be skipping the " one minute orientation".
Posted by cristin | January 6, 2006 10:24 AM
Posted on January 6, 2006 10:24
I demand that Cindy have her own blog. She's going to need someplace to vent about her boss, I can see that already.
I've decided to take some classes in a different field...maybe broaden my horizons (and my children's college savings)...we were having a corporate family meeting about this last night at dinner, and my kids asked if I stopped working in IT, would "you and dad go into business together?"
After we laughed and laughed, we said "no way".
It takes a special relationship to work and live together, especially when your office is your home. I wish you both the best in your new endeavor.
Go Cindy! (Remember men cannot multitask)
Posted by Rebecca (the token IT person) | January 6, 2006 10:38 AM
Posted on January 6, 2006 10:38
I lived and worked with a guy for exactly one year, thenceforth referred to as the Annus Horribilis. Within six months, I hated him with the heat of a thousand suns.
He (wisely) moved out right after I brought home a woodchipper.
Run, Cindy, run!
Posted by Meredith | January 6, 2006 2:46 PM
Posted on January 6, 2006 14:46
I sense an ugly trend of men bashing starting to develop in this blog entry. In the words of Tim Allen "Boy, it's a shame we own everything!"
/ducking for cover
-Neruda
Posted by Neruda | January 6, 2006 6:19 PM
Posted on January 6, 2006 18:19
Neruda:
A certain amount of this is to be expected in a field that's ... what, 70 percent female? 'Tis indeed a mixed blessing.
I gotta go start my own company now, so I, too, can implement the Crescenzo Orientation Model.
Greg
Posted by Greg Marsh | January 8, 2006 9:56 AM
Posted on January 8, 2006 09:56
I should add that on the occasions where my wife and I have had the opportunity to work together, we actually enjoyed it a lot.
Greg
Posted by Greg Marsh | January 8, 2006 9:59 AM
Posted on January 8, 2006 09:59
What to do with a bad employee? You need to discipline that naughty employee, Discipline I Say!
If that doesn’t work I would suggest the Trump method of the finger gun shot “Your Fired” it just might look a little funny you not having any hair let alone BIG Trump hair.
P.S. Let her organize everything first. Sounds like you need it.
Posted by A N | January 9, 2006 5:12 AM
Posted on January 9, 2006 05:12
Ha ha ha . . . this has been a wonderfully funny discussion.
Alas, I can't fire Cindy. I realized it last week. I had to go to Toronto, to both meet with a potential client, and do a full-day in-house seminar.
When I got off the plane, in my "Travel Folder" was: Hotel information, background on both companies, directions to each facility, return flight information, an envelope for my receipts, and some other reading material.
My God, the trip went so smooth. In the past, I have checked into the wrong hotels, gotten lost on the way to the client's facility, lost all my receipts, and showed up at the wrong facility altogether.
I'll have to put up with her irritating work ethic for awhile. At least until summer, when boating season and baseball season start. Then all hell is going to break loose, I am sure.
I can tell already that she is going to have a real problem with the whole concept of holding off-site meetings at Wrigley Field, and on the boat, I am sure.
Steve
Posted by Steve C. | January 9, 2006 9:18 AM
Posted on January 9, 2006 09:18
Neruda - you're paranoid. No man bashing here.
Steve - I hope you have, in addition to the interesting Orientation policy, some kind of reward initiative. (Maybe through a local spa...just a suggestion) It sounds like Cindy already deserves it! Though, sadly, I will miss the stories of you and wrong hotels and botched trip planning. Maybe every now and again you'll have to give her some time off and go it alone, just so we can hear the stories.
Posted by Rebecca (the token IT person) | January 9, 2006 10:00 AM
Posted on January 9, 2006 10:00
Never fear, Rebecca . . . no matter how good SHE is, I'll find a way to screw it up. That much is guaranteed.
Steve C.
Posted by Steve C. | January 9, 2006 12:28 PM
Posted on January 9, 2006 12:28