Can I be the first person to say that the new “broadband Internet” is a huge pain in the ass?
My pal and mentor Shel Holtz likes to say that there are actually three Internets out there:
1. The research Internet, which is what we’re all used to. We use it to book flights, find stuff out, contact a company, etc.
2. The social Internet, which is all about collaboration, communities, discussions, and knowledge sharing. Blogs and wikis are driving the social Internet (which, by the way, is really starting to make its way inside companies now . . . finally).
3. And the high-speed or broadband Internet, which is coming about because so many people now have high-speed access. The broadband Internet is what allows podcasts, vidcasts, and video to be a big part of your surfing experience. I think Shel also calls it the Multimedia Internet.
Why should I call this high-speed Internet a pain in the ass? Here’s why:
For the last couple of years, I’ve enjoyed getting my snippets of daily news—before I go get the newspaper from downstairs—from CNN. I don't read long stories at cnn.com . . . I don’t do that online.
But I enjoyed surfing over to CNN to scan the headlines, and occasionally click through to read a short story about something I cared about. Before I settled in with the daily newspaper.
I can’t do that anymore. Why? Because the damn fools at cnn.com have turned the majority of their content into video.
When I go there now, more often than not if I read a headline and want to know more, I have to watch a freaking video. Granted, CNN is smart enough to put a tag that reads “Watch” on any video content, so you’re not ambushed by it.
But still. Do they know how annoying it is to read a headline that I want to know more about . . . and then not give me a story to read? Instead, I have to sit through a video?
If I wanted to watch video first thing in the morning, I would turn on the damn TV. I would turn on CNN!
I don’t want video on my computer . . . unless it involves naked people. And even then, I don’t want it first thing in the morning!
Here’s another reason I hate the Broadband Web: It just got me in trouble.
As readers of this blog know, my wife and much better half Cindy recently started running Crescenzo Communications. The minute she started, she began disrupting my life with different systems and meetings.
It’s been a living hell.
Yes, the company is operating more efficiently. Yes, we’ve eliminated all our cash flow problems. Yes, the clients are much happier. Yes, we’re getting more business than ever before.
But I haven’t been to El Jardin’s, the Mexican restaurant that serves as my branch office, for almost two weeks. I haven’t had a decent afternoon nap in a month. Happy Hour used to start at 3. Now I’m lucky if it starts by 4:30 or 5.
It’s been awful.
And one of the things Cindy has done is start regular meetings—like “Client Status Meetings” and “Budget Meetings.”
Well, I don’t do meetings very well. That’s why I work for myself in the first place.
So I avoid them. And I avoid them by lying to Cindy all the time. And, the other day, because of the damn Broadband Internet, I got caught.
Cindy wanted to have the “Budget Meeting.” Now, I had just been to Toronto, where I spent $240 of our money, not the client’s, on one of the best dinners I’ve ever had. (I sat by myself at the “Chef’s Rail” at Canoe, at the top of the tallest building in downtown Toronto, for the Chef’s tasting menue. Nine courses, each with its own glass of wine. I’m not sure, because I had an awful lot of wine, but I think I was named an Honorary Chef; I do remember that there was a lot of hugging going on at the end of the night).
I hadn’t exactly told Cindy about the big dinner, so I was not looking forward to the Budget Meeting. So I did what I always do when I am not looking forward to something: I avoided it. But Cindy doesn’t make avoiding it easy . . . which is why she’s on double-secret probation, and about to get fired.
I managed to put her off for two days, but things were coming to a head.
So, at 10 a.m., she came storming into the living room, where I work, with one of her stupid binders.
“We need to meet on the Budget,” she said.
“I can’t, I’m on deadline,” I said.
“Really?” she asked.
“Yes, really!” I said, with an irritating tone, glaring at her. “I’ve got to get this done for a client.”
Now, from where she was standing, Cindy couldn’t see my computer screen. So she couldn’t tell that I had surfed to the Chicago Cubs Web site just before she entered the room.
So I’m looking at Cindy with an irritated look on my face, telling her I’m on an important deadline and can’t meet with her . . . and guess what happens?
The God DAMN Chicago Cubs have started a brand-new thing with their Web site, where they launch a video automatically about ten seconds after you hit their home page.
Yes, that’s right. Automatically. There is a little button that says, “Click here to stop the video from playing” or something like that. But I didn’t see that button, because I was fake glaring at Cindy. So the video started.
Imagine the scene:
I’ve avoided the Budget Meeting for two days with various lies and excuses. She’s getting fed up. She is standing there looking at me. I’m glaring at her, and telling her I’m on deadline.
And all of a sudden, sound comes booming from my computer—a bunch of players talking about the World Baseball Classic.
Busted. Cindy, being basically a good sport if a bit of a Fascist, was nice enough to let me save face by not even mentioning what happened.
“Can you meet on the budget now?” she simply said.
“Yes,” I whimpered, and off we went.
Busted . . . by the God damned Broadband Internet. May it rot in hell.
Comments (20)
Wow! What fate. I am seriously considering leaving the cushy corporate world to "hang my own shingle." This very morning, my (way more organized than me) wife mentioned that she could leave her cushy corporate job and manage the business. Thanks for the vision of the future.
I now know to squash that idea like a bug.
Posted by Brad Bellaver | February 9, 2006 11:42 AM
Posted on February 9, 2006 11:42
Thank you for bringing this up. Every time I see a fascinating headline on cnn.com that I want to read, I realize it's a video. What's worse is that our company network blocks them, so I couldn't even watch the video if I wanted to. It's like headline torture.
Posted by ShariS | February 9, 2006 2:28 PM
Posted on February 9, 2006 14:28
Steve----does Cindy know that she's the only person ever on this Earth about to be beatified even BEFORE she passes on? The second the stone goes in the ground, she qualifies for instant sainthood. You should feel good that it is you who is putting her on the fast track. =)
BTW, people who know my husband often say the same thing about me. I know of what I speak. bwahaha.
Posted by Laurel | February 9, 2006 2:34 PM
Posted on February 9, 2006 14:34
>>Steve----does Cindy know that she's the only person ever on this Earth about to be beatified even BEFORE she passes on? <<
What do you mean "ABOUT to be...?" I think she crossed that threshhold the instant she said, "I do."
Posted by Craig Jolley | February 9, 2006 2:54 PM
Posted on February 9, 2006 14:54
Steve,
Thank you for verifying that I am not the only guy out there who gets pissed off at this stuff.
What really gets me, though, is how there's no rhyme or reason to what's on video and what isn't. Why will the written word not suffice to explain headlines like "Wife fights for jailed husband's sperm"? Why is a friggin' video necessary?
I'm reminded of the countless arguments I've had at work with members of our marketing dept, who insist that anything they want communicated get put on our intranet homepage "in big red letters" so no one misses it.
That's when I ask them, "Do you use a backhoe to plan mums in your front yard?" Talk about overkill.
Posted by Dante Ragazzo | February 9, 2006 2:59 PM
Posted on February 9, 2006 14:59
First of all, this is MY blog, so there will be no more siding with Mussolini . . . I mean, Cindy.
Second, Dante and Shari: I'm glad I'm not the only one. It's a classic case of "let's do it because we can!!!! We can do video!!! User be damned, let's use these cool new tools!!!"
I love the "backhoe to plant mums" Dante. I'm going to steal that, I'm afraid. But I'll credit you.
And Brad . . . don't let my experience scare you away from the joys of being an entrepreneur. The IRS should be the one to scare you away from being an entrepreneur.
Steve C.
Posted by Steve C. | February 9, 2006 3:33 PM
Posted on February 9, 2006 15:33
Beyond the "because we can" however, there's the evil ad money. Ever noticed that the ones on video exclusive are the MOST enticing headlines, either because they're deliciously gossipy, relevant on a very *personal* level, or the latest updates in a story that was banner headline yesterday and now you're trying to catch up on it ... They do that because they know people will click. And THEY DON'T LET YOU SKIP THE DAMNED ADS. So you have to turn on the video, go refill your coffee, and then come back in time to watch the story start.
They irony of my rant about this is that, naturally, our site sells advertising. So I really ought to know better.
Posted by DeAnna B | February 9, 2006 4:35 PM
Posted on February 9, 2006 16:35
GAH! The video irritates me, too. My guess is that it's because CNN was a cable news network first...so like it or not, their life IS video. They have all of these great headlines on their actual television channel, so it's easier, I guess to show a snippet of that than put out the print media handed off to them by AP. Plus it's advertising for their network, their reporters, their headline news programs.
Not to bring up a sore subject, but I did customize my google home page for my news, without all of the flash ads and video and nonsense that comes with all of the other guys. You could try it and see if it makes your head hurt less.
Posted by Rebecca (the token IT person) | February 10, 2006 8:57 AM
Posted on February 10, 2006 08:57
Ha!!
Customize a what? It would take me six weeks of intense work to do that.
I'm such a computer moron.
Steve C.
Posted by Steve C. | February 10, 2006 9:20 AM
Posted on February 10, 2006 09:20
If it wasn’t for broadband we would have never gotten to see you goofball commercial.
At least CNN’s video if free now, but they used to charge a membership fee a while back. I like to be able watch the headlines while I’m at work. I get up at 4am but I usually watch some Tivo recording and catch up on the news at work.
Trust me; at least you weren’t watching naked people. Wives don’t understand that sort of behavior, at least when your by yourself.
Posted by A N | February 10, 2006 12:36 PM
Posted on February 10, 2006 12:36
You thought that first "MasterClass Theater" commercial was goofy? You ought to see the one going live any day now.
It's a hoot. I look like a cross between Jabba the Hut and that dude from The Shield. With a more striking resemblance to Jabba.
You can check it out here:
www.ragan.com/awe2006
Steve C.
Posted by Steve C. | February 10, 2006 1:03 PM
Posted on February 10, 2006 13:03
RockyAWE?
More like shock and AWE....how many puppies did you go thru before cut & print?
=) great vid
glad to see your pants stayed on this time.
Posted by laurel | February 10, 2006 1:20 PM
Posted on February 10, 2006 13:20
OMG - that was awesome. I loved it....except for the Ohio State sweatshirt. Three words: Tostitos Fiesta Bowl. Yeouch. Loved the tequila and bacardi on the night stand. Nice touch.
And A N is right, at least the video is free now. And I also agree that it could have been worse. It could have been porn.
Posted by Rebecca (the token IT person) | February 10, 2006 1:33 PM
Posted on February 10, 2006 13:33
Awesome...Loved it!
Your chance to have hair again and that's what you chose? Also how that hell would you even remember if you had four El jardin Margaritas?
Posted by AN | February 10, 2006 3:12 PM
Posted on February 10, 2006 15:12
AN:
That's the OTHER goofy video. You have to check out the Rocky one . . . it's so retarded it's almost funny.
It's at: www.ragan.com/awe2006
And Rebecca the IT Goddess: I didn't GO to Ohio State . . . but I once traded a day's worth of consulting for OSU for two tickets to the Ohio State Michigan game, a hotel for two nights, and plane tickets to Columbus.
That's where I bought the sweatshirt.
Steve C.
Posted by Steve C. | February 10, 2006 4:57 PM
Posted on February 10, 2006 16:57
Love the blurb in the box at the bottom of the page for the workshop:
"Don't miss our one-of-a-kind problem-solving roundtable! Guaranteed to send you back to work with a solution to any communication problem."
Since I know you guys, I know that your solutions will be high quality, but if you were hooligans, you could just sit there and tell people to run around acting like a monkey. That would be a solution - unemployment.
Steve, I'm thought of you last night while I was up late drinking a nice glass of red wine. I couldn't read the bottle, because it was all in Italian. I thought, "Steve could tell me what this says." I was at the opening ceremonies of the Olympics last night!
Posted by Lisa Grover | February 11, 2006 11:24 AM
Posted on February 11, 2006 11:24
Lisa!!
You're in Turin right now?? I am so jealous all of my innards hurt.
Oh, you are in the heart of Barolo country . . . arguably the greatest red wine in the world. And Barolo's wonderful little brother, Barberesco. And you're in truffle country, too. The Peidmont!! It's high on my list of regions to visit next.
I'm so jealous. Please bring me back something. I'll come out to McDonalds to pick it up, and I'll give you money for it. Anything. Anything I can put in my mouth.
Steve C.
Posted by Steve C. | February 12, 2006 10:35 AM
Posted on February 12, 2006 10:35
Oh I see it now...
I must say that this was your best acting yet! You seem to be getting more comfortable in front of the camera.
How many calories do you think you burned crushing that beer can with one hand?
Posted by A N | February 13, 2006 7:24 AM
Posted on February 13, 2006 07:24
The day was a net loss of 5600 Calories . . . because I had to drink five or six beers throughout the day, in different scenes. And I think I pulled a rib muscle doing that one-armed pushup . . . and a definitely pulled a groin chasing that damn dog around the yard.
I felt like a stuntman after the shooting.
Steve C.
Posted by Steve C. | February 13, 2006 8:26 AM
Posted on February 13, 2006 08:26
Lisa's in Turin??? My innards hurt, too. I love the Olympics...I turn my family into addicts, it's pitiful.
Steve...you are forgiven for the OSU sweatshirt. ;)
Posted by Rebecca (the token IT person) | February 13, 2006 8:28 AM
Posted on February 13, 2006 08:28