What is it with these bean counters? What makes them such miserable, tight wads? I received an email last week stating that my corporate credit card would be "suspended" if I did not reconcile my outstanding bill. Suspended! For a moment I was thrown back into grammar school, terrified that “Ms. Bean Counter" would call my parents and I would be grounded. The sad part of all of this was that she was wrong, my bill was paid. Fortunately due to my lack of keeping my email tidy, I still had a message stating that I had resolved my bill.
I fired off an email to the idiot who threatened “suspension” stating that I was very disturbed by her email message. I told her suspension is not a word I take lightly, and asked her to explain why she sent me such a nasty note without checking her records first. Her response was for me to disregard the message, it was an oversight.
Now I wonder - had this oversight been brought to fruition... and I was suspended from spending... how quickly would this misinformed tight-wad respond to resolve her mistake.
My guess is all of this "customer service" attitude we are all expected to provide to others in our organizations is below these bean counting droids. Why are they so miserable? Why do they never seem to smile? Why do they walk into any meeting with the look of contempt and perceived deceit of all others in attendance? Is there somewhere we could send these people to help them find joy? Perhaps a martini lunch is exactly what they need. Until these miserable, bean counting droids find bliss in a martini - I suppose it is up to us to continue enjoying lunches such as yours Steve. After all - we all know that once they open up to the idea of a martini lunch - they no longer will be working in a bean counting roll. My guess is that they will set their sites on a position in marketing or communications of some kind... YIKES!

I haven't laughed so hard in so long. Thanks for the humorous yet literal depiction of per diem best practices. Great stuff!

Note to self: Find online course on how to consume paper. Very useful in this situation.

My problems with reimbursement for drinks whilst traveling has lately taken a backseat to concern over a rebellion from another source - the very source that has, in the past, allowed me to function normally at conferences after overindulging.

On the last morning of my most recent business trip, I awoke as usual: eyes red, head throbbing and mouth parched. I headed into the bathroom, opened my shaving kit, and reached for my Visine and pain relievers. They were gone. In their place was a note, which I include here in its entirety.

Dear Bill-

We appreciate that you have employed us for so long. We've had some great times together. But Visine and I have had enough. We feel like you're expecting too much of us, and we never get a break. So we've headed home without you.
I'd like to write something meaner, but as I have spent my entire life being anti-inflammatory, it's not easy.

Regards,
Your Painkiller Bottle

P.S. Visine knows your love of irony, so he wanted me to be sure to mention that we're taking the red-eye.

What fun! I have forwarded this advice to my new staff members, who are about to embark on their first business trip with us.

Here's another tip, especially for airports. Don't hesitate to ask other people for their receipts when standing in line at a food court. Collect more than you think you'll need to cover your real expenses.

Blank taxi cab receipts. Tip an extra buck and get yourself a stack.

You think you've got problems. My expenses get passed by my wife - and our book keeper is her best friend. Each month they go out for lunch to chortle over my ineptly forged receipts - and I bet they charge their Chardonnays to expenses!

You mean I could have expensed that $12 4 oz glass of wine at the Coq d'Or? I am a naïve,inexperienced 25 year old whose first business trip was to the Communications Master Class last week. Such a shame...if I'd only known!

Steve, as usual, you bring up a very good point! After my trip to NYC - I learned to always turn in the right receipt. ;) Drinks are expensive in Times Sqare!

There was no correct receipt for the late night dumpy comedy club my husband and I stumbled into, however, so I had to suck it up and pay for that myself. ;)

Off-topic:

You guys will love this.

I am on a conference call right now with a company who shall remain nameless. They named the conference call. I got an email confirming the attendees and at the top it says:

"Data Encryption Strategy - 'Data-in-flight'"

ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? Data in f*-ing flight? someone shoot me. Now.

The bummer for entrepeneurs is that you're just screwing with your ownself. I go through this shit with my own accountant all the time. She is smart enough not to question the sense of 6 double Johnny Walker Blacks...she is also smart enough not to question that it "could be" legitimized as a business expense. Problem is...it's coming out of the same damn pocket no matter how I spin it...MINE.

Anyone want to loan me their corporate card or their expense account reimbursement forms?

Long time lurker- first time poster. This topic is one I freak about every time I go away on business. My manager is pretty cool with approving things, and I rarely remember to turn my receipts in! He just approves it all online and I'm off to spending again. The taxi tip is a great one. Someone should write a book with tips on how to turn in receipts for work expenses. No one ever told me how to work the system. I'm just evil by nature and figured it out on my own.

I got that taxi cab receipt tip from Mark Ragan. When I was WORKING for him.

Just got back from Paris. This all works even better in Euros. "No, no, the exchange rate was 1.25 last week. Really." (1.25 Kirs per meal, that is ... )

I remember a colleague submitting a travel expense report that included the cost of a raincoat. He had set his raincoat on the back of a chair just behind the pay phones at a terminal (before cell phones), called the office, and when he turned around, the raincoat was gone. He figured this was reimbursable, so he submitted the expense. The bean counters rejected the expense account and kicked it back to him. He resubmitted it without the raincoat for exactly the same amount with a Post-It note attached that read, "Find the raincoat."

In the middle east and asia, I just say to the bartender, "put this on my laundry tab"... works everytime.

Allan

So, I read with some chuckling and amusement, but I can't help but point out that we come across as a bunch of alcoholics who travel for no other apparent reason except to figure out innovative ways to get away with spending company money on booze. We've all been there, but I feel compelled to note you do little to improve the reputation of communicators, who are often viewed like the golf-every-day, lunch-on-the-corporate-dime marketing types who get left out of the discussions but then complain about getting left out. And we wonder why corporate America is so bruised and distrusted and communications often finds itself trying to get out from under a blanket of negative, incorrect perceptions. If you were to base your opinion on the majority of the conversations on this site alone, it would appear the people who often speak for it (often defending it) are the very ones milking or abusing the system. Again, not trying to come across as a naysayer of imbibing til' all hours and good conversation, in fact, just the opposite, I too love an airport martini. But perhaps these conversations should take place at the bar rather than on the Web site of what is considered one of the premier communications' leaders? Food (or drink) for thought....

Neal:

Point well taken . . . and thanks for calling me "one of the premier communications' leaders!!

Luckily for us, there are no business leaders who read this blog . . . so we're safe to talk about whatever want.

Steve C.

Hey Steve,
Yeah, scary thought huh? Remember what they say about power...its good.

And yes, this blog it is somewhat of a refuge and escape, I just fear some potential client may log on while doing their research and get the wrong impresssion. See ya in Chicago. First round on me and we can avoid the expense accounts altogether....