I am homeless.
Or, rather, I will be homeless, on March 22nd.
And, surprisingly enough, it has nothing to do with IRS debt, alcoholism, or Cindy throwing me out of the house.
It actually has to do with some surprising behavior from one of Ragan’s competitors, Melcrum.
If you don’t know Melcrum, they do the same kind of thing Ragan Communications does—conferences and publications for corporate communicators.
I’ve always kind of liked Melcrum. I think there are some smart people over there. But little did I know that they think I’m a monster. A horrible, scary bald bastard of a monster.
Here’s the story:
On March 22 and 23, I’m teaching the Master Class Seminar in Chicago. Well, it turns out that at the same time we were going to be in the Doubletree Hotel in Chicago, Melcrum was also holding one of their conferences in the same hotel.
Now, this wasn’t planned, as far as I know. But when I found out about it, I thought it would be kind of fun. I was going to try to steal their afternoon cookies, get their speakers drunk in the hotel bar the night before, send over some goodies and treats (and Ragan publications) . . . it was going to be a hoot.
I mean, if there’s one fact in corporate communications, it’s what Shel Holtz told me 15 years ago: There is enough business for everyone. You don’t need to be paranoid and competitive.
So I figured it’d be a fun couple of days. I even had some posterboard signs made up that I was going to put up over by the Melcrum conference. Saying things like:
“All Melcrum attendees allowed in the Ragan Master Class for FREE.”
“FREE BOOZE at the Ragan Conference in the Ambassador room!”
“Now appearing at the Ragan Conference in the Ambassador room: George Clooney! And he’s Naked!”
And for the three males that come to a communication conference:
“Now appearing at the Ragan Conference in the Ambassador room: Angelina Jolie! And she’s Naked!”
Wouldn’t that have been fun?
But Melcrum didn’t see the fun in the friendly competition. In fact, I guess they flipped out.
They had some obscure clause in their contract prohibiting competitors from using the hotel at the same time as their conference, and they used that clause to bully the hotel into kicking us out.
I had no idea I was that scary! I mean, I know I LOOK scary. You can tell that by looking at my picture at the top of this blog. I know it’s not pretty. If Uncle Fester ever had sex with King Kong Bundy, and if men could conceive babies, the result would be me: Uncle Bundy.
But I didn’t know I was THAT scary. So scary that people would be afraid to be in the same hotel with me.
So, anyway, I’m homeless now. The good news is that it looks like we’ll be moving the seminar to the Drake Hotel—which is just around the corner, literally, from the Doubletree. Which is fine with me, because the Drake has the best martini in the entire city. It’s called “The Executive.” I think they named it that because after drinking two of them you start babbling corporate-speak.
But if the Drake doesn’t work out, I’m open to suggestions for where to conduct the Master Class. I could do it at my house, but I have two cats—including one, Ella, who will shred the skin right off your leg if you look at her wrong. So that might not be a good idea.
I’ve never been homeless before. I guess I always sort of thought that I would be homeless one day . . . I just didn’t expect it to happen so soon.
Comments (13)
Clearly, this is karmic payback for what you said about Miller Lite.
Posted by Meredith | March 14, 2006 7:54 AM
Posted on March 14, 2006 07:54
Finally - King Kong Bundy gets some love in Corporate Hallucinations. About damn time.
Afraid I can't help you much with the homeless problem. I gave at the office.
Of course, you are welcome to hang at Casa De Neruda, but while I don't have a vicious cat (and really, is there any other kind?) I do have an outrageously friendly but very possibly retarded Yellow Lab named Livingston that will insist on being the center of attention. Well, you know how they say dogs tend to be like their owners...
Posted by Neruda | March 14, 2006 9:15 AM
Posted on March 14, 2006 09:15
Seems the Melcrum folks, like so many others, take themselves a bit too seriously. That's why I like Ragan's stuff -- it's refreshingly irreverent, like I wish I could be in the stuff we publish.
Oh, and Miller Lite deserves all the disrespect it gets. Beer is one of those things that the Almighty -- blessed be She -- did not intend to be "light."
Posted by Greg Marsh | March 14, 2006 9:55 AM
Posted on March 14, 2006 09:55
Maybe you could have it at Wrigley. You'd have to bring your own flip chart, though. And projector. And ceiling.
Posted by Shari S | March 14, 2006 10:50 AM
Posted on March 14, 2006 10:50
On behalf of us Brits I apologise for Melcrum's unsporting behaviour.
The Drake sounds much more salubrious anyhow: look forward to seeing you there!
Posted by Marc Wright | March 14, 2006 11:19 AM
Posted on March 14, 2006 11:19
The Melcrum folks are a nice lot. I've pulled one of the best drunks ever with them --- which is a major accomplishment since I rarely drink.
Crisis 101 says not to bring attention to something little. Now the contrived little event is public knowledge. Milk it for all the trade publicity it's worth. Ragan can't lose.
Schteve, if you do the workshop at your house, I'll make the mini meals. From the floor.
Best, cp
Posted by Charles Pizzo | March 14, 2006 11:37 AM
Posted on March 14, 2006 11:37
>>Schteve, if you do the workshop at your house, I'll make the mini meals. From the floor.<<
Count me in!
Posted by Craig Jolley | March 14, 2006 1:17 PM
Posted on March 14, 2006 13:17
Wow, if Charles offers to do the mini meals, how can you lose? In addition to PR, he knows more about good cooking than most people I know! You should hold a fake seminar at your house just to get him to cook.
Posted by Kevin Snow | March 14, 2006 3:14 PM
Posted on March 14, 2006 15:14
Bring everyone to the Crumerosa!!! HA! All of my pets are outdoor pets: 3 hyper-active labs (I feel your pain, Neruda, 1 semi-retarded chocolate, 2 overly-timid yellows) and 3 goats (one of which is an extremely narcissistic nubian), 5 barn cats. That's life in the boonies.
I'm sure you'll find somewhere with a good bar to host your festivities. Maybe not so much with the Fairmont...I hear they're the 'gas'.
Posted by Rebecca (the token IT person) | March 14, 2006 3:37 PM
Posted on March 14, 2006 15:37
Steve, If you need meeting space just let me know. I can find it for you in Chicago. That's my job guy.
Eliot
PS: We could probably use El Jardin's non smoking room that's never been used.
Posted by eliot yamashiroya | March 14, 2006 6:24 PM
Posted on March 14, 2006 18:24
Wow! Timing is everything. I got a phone call just yesterday from the Melcrum people about their seminars. I have been receiving brochures about their publications and seminars for the past couple of years, and while they certainly sound interesting the costs are enormous so I typically don't even open them anymore before they go in recycling. So I am not surprised that they would be so touchy - when you cost three times what the competition does (and you don't have Steve Crescenzo!) I guess it stands to reason you wouldn't have much of a sense of humour! Me, I'd much rather laugh while I'm learning so I'll be sticking with the RR folks!
Posted by Kristen | March 15, 2006 7:57 AM
Posted on March 15, 2006 07:57
Yes, but what did you tell the Melcrum people? Did you call them sissy pants for tossing Steve out into the cold?
Posted by Kevin Snow | March 15, 2006 1:05 PM
Posted on March 15, 2006 13:05
At that point I hadn't yet read about this shabby treatment of Steve, but I did tell them that I found their costs quite high and probably wouldn't be attending their conferences. Does that count?
Posted by Kristen | March 16, 2006 7:31 AM
Posted on March 16, 2006 07:31