I failed to thrive laughing!!!

Someone has to do it:

Mr. Praline: I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?

Mr. Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

Owner: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.

Mr. Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

Owner: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!

Mr. Praline: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

Owner: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!

Mr. Praline: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you show...

Owner: There, he moved!

Mr. Praline: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!

Owner: I never!!

Mr. Praline: Yes, you did!

Owner: I never, never did anything...

Mr. Praline: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

Mr. Praline: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.

Owner: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!

Mr. Praline: STUNNED?!?

Owner: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.

Mr. Praline: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.

Owner: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.

Mr. Praline: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?

Owner: The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!

Mr. Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.

Owner: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

Mr. Praline: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!

Owner: No no! 'E's pining!

Mr. Praline: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the
bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!

So when someone dies, it's because they failed at life? What the hell is that if not negative? Imagine - you're not just dead, but it's your fault that you didn't work harder to succeed at breathing. Like death is the ultimate performance review.

SN: Tell me you didn't write that up on the spot, 'cause there are doctors for that kind of thing.

Eileen - you *are* kidding, right?

No, I can't take credit for one of the all time comedy classics.

You need to watch some Monty Python. Right. Now.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-9083632535639547144&q=dead+parrot

Sad but true confession: The whole Monty Python craze was going on when I was in college (circa 1985 - at least that's when it hit Ohio full force) and I was STUDYING, living in a room for $100 a month, with no TV and no money to go to a theater. So, no I seriously couldn't place the lines from a movie...

Anything from graduation on, however, I've got down pat. Starting with "When Harry Met Sally" and moving forward.

Now on a more serious note: There are doctors for you. A team of doctors just waiting for your call.

Hey, i'm only 2 years behind you, college for me starting in 1986. But College was WHERE Python was HUGE! The skit was actually from the TV series "Flying Circus" - on (free) PBS no less!

But i'm down with "When Harry Met Sally" as well-I've often wondered why no-one sold t-shirts emblazoned with "Don't f**k with Mister Zero" across the front. (on a side note, is anyone *really* less offended by seeing "**" instead of "uc"? I mean, you all heard it in your head, right?

And those doctors? No way - not if they work at the hospital from Steve's post. It sounds like they are whacking people left and right.

Neruda - just for the sake of knowing you are appreciated...you had me at Norwegian Blue.

Eileen - run, don't walk, and get as many Flying Circus eps as you can from your local video store. Wash it down with some Fawlty Towers and you'll be thriving just fine.

So I'm sitting at the ball field the other day, watching my son's little league game. And here's a little tidbit of personal information you all can have about me...my son is of 'mixed race' shall we say to be PC. He has gorgeous brown skin, huge brown eyes, lashes to die for and currently, one bald head as I shaved it clean the other day. I have none of these traits being a pale-ass half-Italian from Pittsburgh. My sister got all the beautiful Italian traits. Me? Not-so-much. I live in an all-white teeny tiny town in the middle of the boonies. I'm telling you this, so I can tell you this:

So we're sitting there unable to tell who is who on the field playing 2nd base, short stop and the like. So I say, "Yeah, I don't have that problem, I can always find Owen." Which some chuckled at, most of all ME. So the mom sitting next to me says "Well Owen is the only one out there with glasses, too..."

Ummmmm, yeah...that's what I meant. For crap's sake - he's the only brown boy out there! I know it. HE knows it. It's OKAY. Sometimes acknowledging the truth doesn't make it bad or unpalatable. (is that a word?) Sometimes calling it like it is actually makes things easier. Better, even, so people don't think you're selling them a line.

But yes, for the record, I acknowledge that Owen is indeed the only one with glasses on the team as well. And then promptly made fun of this woman for trying to be PC with me. Good stuff. She laughed at herself even. Gotta break the ice somehow.

Well sure! If you make the poor desperate communicator say they "failed to thrive" who cares if, or how many you kill?!

Early in my career I, too worked in a couple different health-related companies, so Steve - how about these to add to the list:

-Left an instrument in the patient? No, you've "added additional iron to patient's system"

-Surgeon drunk or high during surgery? Not at all - "doctor was chemically fortified"

-Left the patient sitting in the waiting room for a week? But no - "provided appropriate time for patient's situational review"

-Kicked the patient out for lack of $$$? Ridiculous! "Offered patient alternative institutional recommendation" (Note: that one only applies in the US - In Canada it goes like this: Patient waited 14 months for needed surgery thanks to public system ridiculously overloaded, underfunded and understaffed? No, no, no - "Ensured full and complete review of patient's case before proceeding"

I could go on, but I'll let the other kids have a turn!

Rebecca: There was a great essay on NPR this a.m. about mixed races and politically-correct speech. It was written by Angela Nissel, a writer for Scrubs, and can be found at http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5395390 Check it out.

Neruda: "Roy Rogers Wagon Wheel Coffee Table," "Baby Fish Mouth," and "Pecan Pie" are verbal staples in our house. I'll let you know the moment I find a Mister Zero t-shirt.

And as for health care...I write for a hospital in Oregon and was told by the admin. to never use the word death. Period. "It gives off the wrong impression." So I'm thinking, "And the body bags out the back door, those are full of dead flowers from the incredibly thriving customers?"

Eileen: From your post to my web browser...thanks. I'll have to check out her book.

I can't wait to tell Owen to tell people he's "Moolatte" - he'll crack up.

Eileen,

You're not the only one who missed the full Monty. I don't know where I was -- maybe too many college keggers -- but I've heard the references and seen clips over the years and have never been moved to close that cultural gap.

I think it's one of those love it or hate it things like -- and here I risk total blasphemy -- The Three Stooges.

Who can explain what makes one person laugh and not another? And why do I feel all nakedy and vulnerable admitting that Monty Python is not my personal holy grail? At any rate, I loved "Harry and Sally" and have been inspired to re-enact the restaurant scene on a few occasions of Happy Hour hijinks.

Neruda et al: You had me at When Harry Met Sally. I have seen this movie hundreds of times literally.

"Men and women can never be friends--the sex stuff always gets in the way."

"Thin. Pretty. Big tits. Your basic nightmare."

I am an extremely picky eater and usually special-order, so when this movie came out, Sally's pickiness when ordering gained me acceptance from normal eaters. Usually when people eat at a restaurant for the first time with me, they say, "You're like Sally!" after I order.

And since I am 32, this exchange has resonated with me this year:

Sally: And I'm gonna be forty.
Harry: When?
Sally: Someday.
Harry: In eight years.
Sally: But it's there, it's just sitting there like this big dead end.

Unlike, Sally...it's not so bad for me at 32. I am already married. On our wedding programs, my husband and I had the line about when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. I introduced him to this movie, and lucky for me, he likes it too.

OK, so enough about me...Steve's original post about the "failure to thrive" is crazy, but familiar. We had a small explosion at one of our manufacturing plants two years ago. No one was even injured--we just had some damaged equipment and property, but in our communication, we were not allowed to use the word "explosion" or refer to it as an "accident". "Incident" is the nice boring word I think they allowed us to use.

Does anyone else see the irony that in most crisis communications training, you're told to tell your story as quickly and clearly as possible?

I also seem to remember my particular crisis communication trainer telling us not to worry about trying to position the event so the company doesn't get sued. As he said, if you're dealing with a crisis situation, just accept that someone somewhere is going to sue. So, don't let that color your communications. Easier said than done, unfortunately.

Now I have to tell a "Monique" story. Monique and I have worked together for going on almost 7 years now in Employee Communications. So I hope she does not hold this against me.

Monique is rather grounded and fairly unflappable. What I'm sure she would consider a strong Canadian trait - she in fact being a proud Canadian.

A good couple of years ago, her nose, for reasons that remain to this day shrouded in mystery, started to bleed. Just like that.

I was advised of this fact not by her running out of her office, or by shrieks of suprise or terror, but rather, by the following quote, which I include here word-for-word:

"Oh my! I'm having an incident here."

Spoken like a true ECOM wonk...

-Neruda

All of this corporate censorship talk has me feeling lucky. As a photographer, nobody can stop me from taking the photos I feel best tell the story. At least I have the satisfaction of doing what I hope is the right thing. Whether they use them or not is on their conscience.

I recently heard from a client that his company has commissioned a committee to review all photos before publication to check for safety, diversity and political correctness. What's the world coming to? Photography (and writing) at its best is a creative, subjective art. Anybody LOOKING for something wrong is sure to find it.

I heard one as good as "failure to thrive." It was "cardiac event." Apparently, people suffer "cardiac events" now instead of having heart attacks. I think I've given several of my managers "cardiac events" wondering what will crop up in my copy that they have to "fail to thrive" before it goes to press...

Where oh where oh where is Steeeeeeve....

I have a good for you all - from the military no less. My baby brother was killed (oops, I said a bad word!) in 2002, while serving in the Air Force as a mechanic. He was working on this huge aircraft tow vehicle at the time - following the manual exactly - when he was crushed between the enormous tire and the wheel well. And get this - the Air Force had the gall to write us a condolence letter referring to my brother's death as...Are you ready for this? A "MISHAP." Now, see this link for dictionary.com's definition of "mishap": http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=mishap. To add insult to injury (or death, as the case was for my brother), the "incident" (another chosen word) was covered up by the government. Did you know you can't sue the government/military without THEIR permission??? How nuts is that?

Kenyon - That brings up shades of Orwell's "1984," trying to reword things so they didn't actually happen. That's so sad. At the very least, you deserved to have your loss acknowledged.

Recently one of our employees was killed in a hit-and-run accident while bicycling on the weekend. A company note afterwards spoke of how the HR staff was helping the family adjust to this "life transition." I had to wince. What would have been so wrong with saying " R's tragic death"?