Like a lot of people, I’m mad as hell at Mark Foley.

But not for reasons you might believe.

I’m not mad at him for disrupting the Republicans and making that human semen stain Denny Hastert look bad. I’d like to buy him a beer for that, when he gets out of rehab.

And I’m not even mad at him for sending sexed up e-mails to underaged kids . . . because it wasn’t my kid. If it was my kid, there would be no talk of congressional hearings and subcommittee investigations.

There would be only one investigation: The investigation to find Mark Foley’s missing body, which disappeared one day after I found out that he was e-mailing my kid, and 12 hours after I bought a chainsaw and a bucket of lye at Menards.

No, I’m mad at Senor Foley for completely ruining one of the great PR strategies of all time: The Rehab Apology.

For years, the Rehab Apology was a slam dunk PR tactic, and taught at PR conferences everywhere:

If your client screws up and, more importantly, gets caught, check him into a rehab clinic and blame everything on the booze. Recently, Mel Gibson used it when he got caught in an anti-semitic rant. Under advice of his PR counsel, Mel just checked into the rehab clinic and announced it to the world. Turns out, he only hates Jews when he’s drunk!

It also worked for Pat O’Brien, the TV “entertainment reporter” who got caught leaving perverted, harassing messages on a woman’s answering machine. What did he do? Checked into rehab! And, of course, we were all willing to believe he was a drunk because what sober person would voluntarily become an “entertainment reporter”?

A local columnist here in Chicago recently beat his wife, and the lady called the cops on him. Guess what? Rehab! Now all his journalist buddies who no doubt are dying to ask him the age-old journalism question: “Are you still beating your wife?” can’t do it, because he’s not really a wife beater . . . just a raging alcoholic. And so are all his coworkers, so nobody can tease anybody.

I mean, the Rehab Apology was a lock. Set in stone. Guaranteed to quiet the press and win the public back to your side. If the Pope would have checked into rehab after insulting Muslims first with his speech and then with his non-apology, the entire Muslim world would have put down their Molotov Cocktails and small arms and said: “Oh . . . see? He just fell victim to the temptations of the West.”

And then Foley has to come along and use it . . . and the damn thing got overexposed. Too many people have used it lately, and now everyone is on to it. It is now useless as a PR strategy.

Now, maybe I shouldn’t blame Foley. Maybe the very next person to use it—no matter who it was—would have ruined the Rehab Apology. I mean, with everyone using it, even a moronic American public that watches shows like "Survivor" and listens to Dr. Phil would have eventually caught on. Maybe.

But somehow, I think part of the reason that Foley is responsible is because he used it even though . . . he doesn’t drink! I mean, not really. That’s what a report in the Chicago Tribune said yesterday. They interviewed a bunch of his colleagues who said they never knew he drank, or saw him have, at the most, a glass of wine at a function.

Now, maybe he would have a glass of wine at a function, then guzzle a quart of vodka in the car on the way home, smash his car into the garage door because he forgot to open it, urinate in the cat box and then fall asleep naked in the bathtub.

But I doubt it. If you’re really a boozer—the kind of boozer that needs to check into a rehab clinic—people tend to know.

For example: If I were to murder Dr. Phil by cutting him to shreds with a dull steak knife, and then I got caught, and I told the world: “I was drunk, and I’m checking into a Rehab Clinic,” the reactions from my friends would be things like:

“Well . . . yeah. That makes sense.”

And,

“Saves us an intervention, anyway.”

But now . . . now I can’t use the Rehab apology if I ever Kill Phil, because Foley queered it for all of us real alcoholics.

My great pal and long-time drinking buddy David Murray is just as upset about this as I am. This morning, he e-mailed me a New York Times headline that said:

Assertion by Foley Angers Victims of Abuse by Clergymen

And here was his comment:

“Well, who's going to stand up for the alcoholics? I mean, where does this asshole get off claiming to be a boozehound without having suffered hundreds of head-splitting hangovers, frequent gnawing fear of arrest and constant family scorn? Alcoholism is a disease. But as you have often pointed out, it's also a part-time job. And if we see it on your résumé, brother, we're going to be checking references.”

God damn right.

Either that, or the next time an alcoholic behaves badly, he should get to stand up in front of his AA Chapter and say: “I’m sorry I’m such a shit. I’m going to run for Congress.”