We have two slots left on our Official Top Five List of Terrible Airport People!

So far, we’ve covered Seat Recliners, Procrastinators, and Cell Phone Addicts. We’ve got two categories left, and I need to hurry up and finish, for a couple of reasons:

First, it’s time to move on to other things. This has been fun, but we need to get back to work.

Second, I’m getting a vasectomy exactly 2 hours from now, and I’m scared that I’m not going to be able to write anymore after the procedure.

I have this irrational fear that I’m some kind of modern-day Sampson, and all my creativity is stored in my testicles. And that once the doctor takes a knife to my guys, my creative juices are going to flow out and be gone for good. I can already see myself standing in the doctor’s office, my career and my livelihood puddling about my feet.

I hope I’m just delusional because I’ve had nothing to eat or drink for 12 hours. . . but you never know. So here we go.

Number Two on the list of Official List of Terrible Airport People:

He-Man Carry-On Baggers.

These are the people who absolutely refuse to check their luggage.

Now, listen: I don’t like to check luggage either. Nobody likes having to wait for the checked luggage to come out onto the carousel. It adds 20 minutes to the time you have to spend in an airport. I know checking luggage sucks. But sometimes you have to.

And I can’t stand the people who refuse to check a bag. Ever. It’s some kind of weird point of pride thing with them. They think anyone who ever checks a bag is some kind of rookie loser newbie who shouldn’t be allowed to travel in the first place.

And here’s the thing: It’s always men who feel this way, and they always seem to turn it into some kind of macho manhood thing. It’s almost as if the size of their bag that they refuse to check has something to do with the size of their genitals.

I hear these people bragging in the airports all the time. It sounds like this:

Jerk #1: You know, I haven’t checked a bag in seven years. Checking bags is for suckers. I’m going to be gone for two weeks, but I still didn’t check a bag. Heh heh. I’m flying a puddle jumper, and I’m not even sure the damn thing will fit on the plane, but I don’t care! I never check! And I have a massive man package, too, if you know what I mean!

Jerk #2: God damn right. Only tourists check bags. You know what else I like to do, besides carry this big-ass bag on the plane and hog all the storage space? I like to board at the last possible minute, and then make the flight attendant find space for this bad boy. And I have huge testicles!

Jerk #3: Yeah, boarding early is for suckers. I’m always the last one on the plane, and you know what? I always find a place for my bag, even if sometimes it takes ten minutes and the flight attendant has to move everyone else’s stuff around. And you should see the size of my penis!

Jerk #4: Man oh man, I love to board late and move other people’s shit around and roll their coats up into tight little balls, in order to fit my huge oversized bag in the overhead bin. I love it when someone has a trench coat up there. I will smash it up into a lump and stick it under the dirty wheels of my massive carry-on wheelie luggage. And you think my suitcase is big? You ought to see my testicles! They wouldn’t even fit in the overhead compartment . . . but guess what? I’m not checking them, either! Because I don’t check anything!

Jerk #5: I hear you, my macho non-bag-checking brothers. I love moving other people’s shit around. I hate those saps with their tiny little baby bags, who board early so they can be sure to get a spot for their faggoty carry-ons that only hold enough for a day or two. I’ve actually asked people to move their little homo purse bags to the spot under their seat, so I can get my mongo rollerbag into the overhead. My bag is so big it can fit all of our penises . . . but I still won’t check it!!

All the Jerks: “YEAH!!!!”

These non-checkers have always been a pain in the plane; and they suck up all the space in the airport bars too, where their luggage takes up enough room for two people. That’s bad enough. But now that you can’t carry gels or lotions on the plane, they’re even more of a pain in the ass.

Now they hold up the entire security line because they have to open up their huge carry-ons, take out their gels and lotions, put them in a separate bin, then put them back in the bag on the other side, then carry their oversized bags onto the plane at the last minute and then jam them somewhere.

As I said, I try to carry on my luggage when I can. But sometimes you can’t. Especially nowadays, with the new security regulations. Live with it. The 20 minutes you have to wait for your luggage won’t kill you. And it will make everyone else’s life easier.

And now, I’m off to get snipped. I know I shouldn’t be nervous. I know it’s a simple procedure. I just get worried because during my preliminary examination, I overheard the doctor talking to the nurse, and he was saying things like, “we’re going to need some special equipment,” and “call John Deere,” and “hydraulics,” and stuff like that. So I’m worried.

If my next post—when I’ll reveal the #1 Terrible Airport Person—is lame, you’ll know my worst fears have come true, and that my creativity has walked hand in hand with my manhood out the door.

Wish me luck. See you on the other side.