I applaud you, Steve. Not only for continuing to call these people out, but for causing me to get seltzer in my sinuses first thing in the morning.

I really wish you hadn't been so chicken.

Genie:

I'm dying to know what kind of breakfast drink would include selzer? Vodka and seltzer? Egg creams? I've never heard of anyone getting the seltzer machine going first thing in the morning.

And I wish I wasn't so chicken, too. The problem is, for whatever reason that day, I was sober . . .which is rare for me, in an airport.

Had I had a couple of drinks, I probably would have done something to the guy.

The bad news is, I'm sure I'll have plenty more chances. These cell phone jockeys are multiplying like maggots.

Steve C.

So this story didn't happen in an airport, but the cell phone shit is on my last nerve. I'm in Tar-jay - and I have to use the bathroom. I walk in and some chick is in a stall, doing her thing, and checking her cell phone voicemail ON SPEAKERPHONE. Yeah, that's right. Not only did she whip out her phone in the stall, she's sitting there listening to her voicemails, and SO AM I. Ummmm, what? Whodawa? Who DOES this?

If you get Bob & Tom in your area, give them a listen, they have a recurring character named Kenny Tarmack that does epitomizes this very scenario. Good stuff. Hilarious.

Steve, funny stuff as usual. The day you do misdirect your urine stream to get a man off the phone in the bathroom, please be sure to blog about it!

My main gripe with people being on their phone is the ones who by talking on their phone interfere with your ability to get off the plane.

In general, when the plane lands, I want to get the hell off. I have everything ready to go. The minute the seatbelt sign goes off, I am out in the aisle, with everything I brought on to the plane in my hands, trying to get as far down the aisle as possible. Only to find myself stymied by all the people who are standing in the aisle talking on their cell phones and waiting until the line moves in front of them to even attempt to begin getting things out of the overhead bins. I may be slightly claustrophobic--I just want to get off already! What is so important to talk about that it can't wait until you get off the plane? Or if you really need to have a conversation and you are not in a hurry to get off, stay in the damn seat and let me by! (And you are right, Steve, these conversations are never that interesting or critical!)

The last time I flew was in August right after the liquid explosives issue in London and I have to say, I think not being able to carry more than 4 oz or whatever it is now of liquid on the plane is fine, if only to keep everyone under the sun from bringing all their luggage into the cabin. It was much easier to get on the plane and certainly faster to get off, because everyone had to check bags and the overhead bins were practically bare. I loved it. I know this is probably an unpopular opinion, and I have no problem with some people bringing a true carryon onto the plane; however, it had gotten to the point where people were carrying on everything and it was out of control. When people can barely manage to carry all the assorted bags and items off the plane that they were allowed to bring on it and are thus hampering my ability to get off the plane, I get a little testy!

Can't wait to see who takes the cake in the top two spots on the countdown...

I love the fucking morons that wear their stupid Bluetooth headsets all the way through the flight. May they get cancer of the left ear.

Steve, believe it or not, I gave up caffeine sometime in December. I may live to regret this decision, but in the meantime, sometimes I use seltzer as my breakfast drink of choice...instead of Diet Coke. The bubbles make it feel special. Or something like that.

Gaah.

In the meantime, vodka and seltzer sounds like an interesting combo. A combo that would get me fired, no doubt, but interesting.

Rebecca, I'm shaking my head.

Sonya, I shared your pain in my comment to Steve's last post...I hate that as much as you do!

Dee, if I'd been drinking seltzer when I read your comment, it would have gone up my nose again.

Sonya - as one of those people who always brings the largest carry-on I can get away with on flights (although I do my best to be as quick and organized as possible when boarding/de-boarding!) I would like to offer an explanation on behalf of my annoying breed. I learned the hard way years ago that it's necessary to always have your most important and most-used items with you on the flight, because you can't rely on airlines to actually deliver your luggage to you at the end of the flight. My luggage has been lost countless times, leaving me without a change of clothes sometimes for several days until the airline pulls its head out of its ass and send me my luggage. Maybe it's just because I'm Canadian and have the unfortunate requirement of flying Air Canada most of the time, possibly the worst airline on earth, but I don't take any chances anymore.

I'd be willing to bet that many people who bring large carry-ons onto flights with them, do so for the same reason.

>> believe it or not, I gave up caffeine sometime in December. I may live to regret this decision, but in the meantime, sometimes I use seltzer as my breakfast drink of choice...instead of Diet Coke. The bubbles make it feel special. Or something like that.
<<

Genie---I'm here with you on the Diet Coke cut-off, sister-in-pain. I was a HEAVY hitter for 20 years solid. I mean if there was cold DC in the can (the only way) around, I would have at least a six pack a day, maybe 8 or 9. Backed off (to gold C-free cans) during my 1st pregnancy in 97, but only gave it a passing glance during this last one. THEN about 2 weeks after birth, I had a freaky thing happen with my eyes---one started traveling all of its own, and I looked like a wall-eyed dork that had been whupped upside the head w/a 2 by 4. It damn near killed me, but the doc told me to TRY cutting caffeine---yeah right!---but the spectre of looking like a psycho got me off the stuff. I've been caffeine free totally, but for 1 DC or tea A MONTH (vs 8 or 9 a day), for 6 mos. now. Not happy about it, but what can a formerly wall-eyed girl do?

Long way to go to say I did find myself jonesing for the non-caffeine elements of DC: the cold can, the carmel color, the fizz most of all. So the gold cans are a cheap substitute, but they keep the monstrous addiction at bay usually.

If I didn't think my eyes would bulge & pop outta my head of their own accord, I'd be jacked up on the real stuff right now, no problem. Oh well. I miss my dear friend silver diet coke.

Great series, Steve. Fun to have discovered this blog. Keep em coming.

Kathryn

Kathryn:

Thanks for joining the blog!

Dee: I have a small crush on you now. Thought you should know.

Sonya . . . here's the thing. The new restrictions on liquids have NOT stopped the carryonners from carrying on. The still bring big luggage on the plane and take up all the storage space . . . only now, they also clog up the security lines because they have to dig their lotions out and put them in a separate bin, and half of them don't have them in a plastic bag to begin with. I hate them!

Laura: If I had to fly Air Canada a lot (I only fly them when I go to Toronto) I would ship my clothes ahead of time. They lose my bag all the time, too.

Genie: Champagne has bubbles and fizz, too. Never forget that.

Steve C.

This nightmare is going to deepen considerably when the airlines allow people to talk on their cell phones thoughout the flight. This'll make us think nostalgically about seat-reclining, farting, security-line marplots.

http://www.cnn.com/2006/TECH/12/21/wired.airlines/index.html

Steve, I wondered if people had begun backsliding since I last traveled by air. Like I said, we flew the week after all of that hullaballoo and at the time, you were not allowed to bring any liquids on the plane in any form. I thought the lack of carryon luggage was fantastic, in that we boarded and deplaned SO much faster! I did think it was a little insane that women were having to sacrifice quality makeup left and right, but who knows? I am sure the day of the Al-Qaeda Bonne Bell Cherry Swizzle Lip Gloss Bomber is coming, and as such, I will make sure to leave my lip gloss in my checked luggage. A small price to pay for freedom, I'm sure.

Genie, thanks for sharing my pain!

Laura, while I get that you have been burned with the lost luggage thing in the past, and I guess I am thanking my lucky stars I have only rarely had my luggage lost or delayed, I still have a bit of hard time with it. I am sure you are one of those cool travelers that manages to pack pretty light and get everything in one of those small rolling suitcases, and just have your purse and a book besides that with you. Most people can manage that load and do so efficiently. But lately it seems those rolling suitcases are getting a lot bigger and it's turned into men carrying a rolling suitcase, a hanging garment bag, the newspaper, and a computer bag, and talking on their cell or using their Crackberry simultaneously. How many hands do you have, people?! And multiply that by 200 out of 210 people on a plane and it is out of control!! And that leaves the other 10 of us steaming as people struggle to locate and get down all their carryon crap and get off the plane, while we could have been down the aisle and off the plane in two seconds if allowed!

Incidentally, my husband is Canadian and his bags were delayed for two days when he flew to Toronto earlier this year, but it was on American. And it was essentially his own fault, as he was delayed overnight in Dallas on his way up, and opted to leave his suitcase with the airline, thinking that they would magically take the time to match it up with whatever standby flight they were able to put him on in the morning. Being a low maintenance kind of guy and knowing hotel rooms have shampoo and stuff, he just left it with them so he only had to tote around his backpack (his carryon). When he called me from the hotel, I immediately told him that was a bad idea. But he was naively convinced the airline was going to take the extra time to locate his bag and route it for him accordingly. Two days later of washing his underwear out and wearing the same clothes convinced him of this folly!!

Steve,
as far as I can tell, there's nothing small about you...

Oh...and I have a new clueless category for your jihad. Since I fly all-the-fucking time I get that wee benefit of being able to take the 1K line through security. Apparently the 13-foot tall blue sign at the head of the line that says "this line is for first-class passengers, Star Alliance Platinum, 1K or Premier Executive travelers only" isn't fucking big enough for some people to read.

So into this line tromps Suzy and the kids and their massive carryon load and the cute little pink kid wheelies...and they get all the way down to the TSA person who calmly instructs them that they need to be in that really long line right over there. So Suzy starts whining and not understanding and I start fantasizing about punting her little kid's pink wheelie into space...

there's a reason that there's no one in this line Suzy...it's for special people. Get the fuck out...

Dee, I have a small loathing for you now.

I've been there, Dee. I, too, have the dubious distinction of spending enough time on airplanes that I'm an Premier Plus for United.

So I get the special lines, too. And you're right: it never fails . . . every time I'm in a hurry (and I'm ALWAYS in a hurry; not because I'm late, but because I need to get to the bar to down the necessary amount of drinks in order to get on the plane) there is an Appalachian family clogging up the special security line, wanting to know why they can't go through.

And of course, since the airports are so screwed up, any little delay causes a backlog. So by the time the Appalachians accept the fact that have to go to the big line, a bunch of other Premier elitists have all gathered, and now that line is as long as the regular line.

Yes, let's put them on the list.

Steve C.

Suzy that Appalachian bitch...

Right, Steve. Of course these are the same people who are on the phone ALL THE TIME. And you're correct, the conversation is NEVER IMPORTANT. We know this because WE CAN HEAR IT:

"I'm on the train now. We're just pulling out of Union Station."

"Hon, do we have ice cream at home?"

"Wassup? Nothin' much."

When I see one of those obnoxious guys in the grocery story with the thingie on his ear, I want to rip it off. ARE YOU WAITING FOR A HEART TRANSPLANT? Probably not.

It’s seems people just have a problem with other people in the world. I know this is about airports and airplanes but it could branch out into every aspect of life like the lady pulling the check out after everything is rung up at the grocery store. (Yes I said lady; a guy will have that check filled out before he leaves the house.) Traffic, movie theaters, work, the store or just outside of your house you’re going to find people who suck.

So I kind of gave up being a people pleaser about ten years ago and I decided that everybody but me sucks and it reduced my stress tremendously. I could bend over backwards for someone just to have them screw me some way. Thinking of me first helps in many ways. I’m still polite and courteous always but if it comes to a seat recline in the airplane I will look first for a tray down or the size of the person before hand. The same goes for when I put the seat back to its up-right position. Hay, I can sleep on a plane and I will recline to do it! I won’t fart but some people can’t help it. Look at the lady who just got busted for lighting matches to cover up the smell.

Airport security can be blamed in some places but the only place I ever had a problem was trying to leave Vegas. It was a zoo! Everywhere else has been no more than 20 minutes tops. (I don’t fly very often but a few time a year anyway.) I’m sure if you walk to work you’ll never complain about traffic. I am usually with my family so we do carry on a suitcase with one change of close for the four of us, plus one notebook and the bathroom bag. Not bad for four people and we always have all documentation out and ready. I’m sure there are some Procrastinators but I think that this is more a lack of common sense and courtesy than procrastination. There are a lot of people that just don’t do well with the general public and have these wandering minds or just plain clueless.

Sure Dee, blame it on the Appalachian people, there’s no way they have internet access to defend themselves. They can’t afford food, how do they get airfare?

Having said all of this I have to say that I fortunately don’t have to deal with this as often as most of you. Hell, the most stress I feel now is when it takes me 9 minutes to get to work instead of 8. Oh, and sometimes there will be a couple of boats at the dock and I’ll have to gab another beer and my fishing pole while I wait for my turn.

I know when I fly that it takes a long time to get off the plane. The very first time I flew some 26 years ago it took me a long time to get off the plane. Knowing this going in allows me to sit and get organized and I wait my turn.

Cell phones in public seems rude anywhere. If I get a call the very first thing I do is hit a button to stop the ringer so that it usually only gets out a half of a ring. Then I walk far away from everyone before I answer the phone. I shut it off before the airport and after I leave.

Man I sure wish I had some work to do. This is going to be a long Friday.

Cell-phone talkers suffer from "I'mSoMuchMoreImportantThanEveryOneElse"-itis. They are so certain they what they are saying is so much more important that everything else going on around them. And, big surprise, where they are going is SO much more important than where everyone else is going. Which is why cell-phone talkers are almost always aisle catapulters. These are the ones who immediately unbuckle, stand up, unload all their stuff and then catapult themselves into the aisle ahead of you. They are assholes because not only do they do this, but they won't let you into the aisle. They avoid eye contact with people who seem like they may want to step into the aisle. My question to them is: You know you can't get off the plane until they open the door, right? You know they won't let you open it yourself, right? So sit your happy ass back down into seat 45F. Because when they do open the door, I'd like to be able to step out into the damn aisle too. I'm not crouching under the overhead bins with my handbag and my carry-on ready to go because it's good for my posture.

Ooh...ooh...good one. Aisle catapulters. Made me think of another one...geez for all we know these are already on Steve's list but here goes. The upstream luggager. The poor soul that boarded with minutes to spare and expects to find room in the overhead for his wheelie and his overloaded computer briefcase. So he finally finds space about 10 rows behind his actual seat. We all know what happens when the plane lands and everyone stand up right? Upstream starts "excuse-me"ing his way up the aisle, as if waiting 5 minutes for people to disembark will ABSOLUTELY kill him.

Oh and while we're on the topic of luggage, how come no one seems to be able to remember that there are other people that need space in the overhead bin, so they lay their wheelie in sideways, then their briefcase...then their fucking Men's Wearhouse coat...and voila...end of bin space...it's MINE ALL MINE.

OK, let's all arm ourselves with these handy notecards and tick off the Cell Phone Talkers:

http://www.coudal.com/Shhh.pdf

I keep them in my purse.

How's this for a headline to a strategic communication plan for the airlines to pass out to their customers: "Shut up and fly"?

Pat

Sorry to tell you this guys - but airports are much nicer outside the US....

Try New Zealand - on arrival you'll see immigration officials joking with kids, the customs guys will warn you five times to ditch the illegal fruit before - if you really push it - they confiscate it and fine you. At Hong Kong they take your temperature (how nice is it to be certain that you're not sitting next to runny nose guy).

And at Italian Airports - the staff are soooo stylish

And best of all (if you're a bloke) when you arrive at Tel Aviv/Ben Gurian to catch your flight, you get interrogated by a really beautiful woman before they let you check in (I went round three times before they were on to me).

In contrast, I got pulled one at Chicago for a "randomly selected additional random secturt check on a random number of passengers". I was the only person with a European name in the line - everyone else (all randomly selected) were called Ali, Mohammed or Iqbal (and we were all going to Salt Lake City - go figure).

Another time I nearly caused a major incident because I'd been carrying around in my washbag a sewing kit I'd lifted from a hotel in 1983. Apparently terrorists have started sewing their way to destruction (why would you want to learn to sew if you were a suicide bomber - surely the 30 virgins waiting for you on the other side would take care of that for you?)

Also outside the US we don't let old ladies fly much. They have been internationally identified as the cause of most disruption at airports. In a scientific study old ladies were found to lose their boarding passes within 82 seconds of the check-in desk and 92% chose to hide any crucial documentaion at the bottom of capacious purses (a further 29% did not realise until actually standing at the front of the line at the gate on an already delayed flight).

Colin

Speaking of airport urinals(isn't everyone?), I went to Croatia recently. In a US airport, I went for my much-need preboard pee before the long flight. Being a wheelchair user, I headed straight for the wide door in the back. Think about it: these wide door stalls are for guys like me who cannot get into the skinny door stalls that ambulatory people can. The door is locked, and eminating from my wide door stall is a constant conversation from some dude camping out in there. I have my little Uncle Lester Hint Technique -- I roll up to the door so that my feet in their footrests stick into the stall for the camper to see, then I knock on the door as if I can't see that the stall is in use. "just a minute," the camper says. I wait. And wait. And wait. Finally, the camping cell phone talker exits the wide door stall, and standing there in his clerical collar, Father camper cell phone talker says he is sorry he took so long. Rather than admonish him for not using one of the fifty small door stalls that I cannot use, I just say, "no problem, Padre." Then I go into the stall only to find both his eye glasses and his cell phone left on the shelf next to the throne. I say, "Hey, Padre, you left these!" He thanks me and mutters something about the stall being his office. His office indeed! Maybe he uses the wide door stall for confessions, I don't know. Point is, he can talk and dump in the skinny door stalls. But no.....

Colin wrote:

"Apparently terrorists have started sewing their way to destruction (why would you want to learn to sew if you were a suicide bomber - surely the 30 virgins waiting for you on the other side would take care of that for you?)"

I actually laughed aloud - in fact, a "guffaw" would describe it better. I love starting my day with this blog.

Eileen

Dee,

The exact opposite of the upstream luggager is more madding, IMHO. You know the type—they have seats in the back of the plane but decide they can’t carry their luggage the 30 feet or so when it comes time to disembark. So they stow their luggage in bins up front, taking the space reserved for those who sit in the rows under them!

At the time I practically lived on airplanes. On one flight I had had enough and when I found my bin overloaded with no one anywhere within shouting distance of my seat and row, I simply rang for the flight attendant.

I said in a loud voice while removing the offending items, "Excuse me, but I think an earlier passengar forgot their luggage. If you hurry and make an announcement over the PA you might be able to catch them before the take their next flight."

When she said that they had cleaned the plane after the last flight and that the luggage must belong to one of my fellow passengers on the plane, I responded in the same loud voice, "I don't mean to disagree with you but what sort of an SOB would put their luggage in my overhead space (I punctuated my sentence by dropping one of the offending bags on the cabin floor with a resounding THUD).

As I spoke I noticed a man glowering at me from the back of the plane. I put my bags in the overhead space...I looked at the flight attendant, she looked at me, then we both looked at the man in the back. Without a word, but with a look that could kill, he came up, retrieved his bags and stowed them in the bin over his seat.

This must have been a sore point with flight crews because the flight attendent barely concealed a smile and gave me a free drink when we were airborn.

The Chicago Tribune's Sunday magazine's cover story this week had a 50-year retrospective on William Whyte's "The Organizational Man," a description of the previous workplace and its employees, where everything was based on a machine: predictable, mechanical, statistical, loyal, quantifiable, secure. The authors did a good job of charting the path to the dis-organzational modern workplace since then: fluid, organic, constant change, insecure, mobile. More like a living organism struggling for survival than a machine. And the employees within it, too.

We say we work in "organizational communication"; think we have to start thinkng hard about "dis-organizational communication." Les - how would that affect strategic planning? (Great chapter, by the way, on that topic, in IABC's "Handbook of Organizational Communication." State-of-the-art - but what's the future of planning in the new workplace?)

I think, as I've said in former posts above, that the airport experience, as you've all described it, reflects that change, and challenges us to encounter it, assimilate it, and do our work better when we arrive at our destinations, better prepared from the experience and for the value we hope to provide.

The Trail is better than the Inn - the more I think about it, the more I realize: It's basically, all Trail.

Hi to Robert Holland - (you there?) - I'll be calling you on a book project on measurement. Please take the above into consideration. You're better at measurement than me, but I'm a competent editor. So - help. Thanks.

Pat

Steve, that's an awesome idea about shipping the luggage ahead of time. I may just consider it and thus avoid violating your runner-up Bad Airport People rule in future.

Pat, thank you for your kind words about my chapter. It means a great deal to know that you thought well of it. And about your insightful question about “dis-organizational communication" in the future and strategic planning. I have been giving a great deal of thought lately to what happens when the students I teach in Towson University’s Mass Comm. department hit the job market. Not only my beloved students, but students in general from any undergrad program. My Mass Comm./PR students are like any students anywhere else -- typically 20 to 22 years old now and classified as juniors. Most public relations track students are female. This generation of students is called the “Millennial Students”, a society-wide peer group, born over a 20 to 21 year span, who collectively possess a common persona, according to the definitive book on them by Howe and Strauss, 2000. Among the characteristics of the Millennial student are they possess greater sophistication, they are more informed but less disciplined, they have greater group socialization, possess high levels of stress and pressure, and are at the cutting edge of technology. They will have a huge impact on our profession and on business in general for the way they are. I love my students, and I try to help them in any way I can to become the best that they can be. I want to help prepare them for a happy and productive career. But they are unique.

Millennial students -- in any undergrad program -- view college as playing a diminished role in life. They are ambitious, they have unrealistic job expectations, they are aware of the rules but often seek to circumvent them. Millennial students are weak in basic skills, yet they are pragmatic and career oriented. They would not know good grammar if it, like, sat on their iPod, ya know. These Millennial students are adapt at using cutting edge technology, but consistently exhibit weakness in the use of the English language, a fundamental skill necessary for success in communication/PR. Duh...

Another profound effect on planning may be that these students generally are deficient in the ability to think analytically when given a scenario that reflects real life communication/PR situations that they will encounter on the job. So, are we going to be looking at “dis-organizational communication?” I think so, because Millennial students are also majoring in business, technology, etc., and entering the job market. These folks are the future. We are in for an interesting ride.

Les

I know, Les, I know - I taught a class at Loyola here last term - used your texxt as the basis for it.

So let's talk at Ragan: 312-960-4321.
And now let's see what's pissin' Steve off.
Pat

Pat, I have an idea. Let's start the Top Ten list of what pisses Steve off. I'll start it. His blogging buddies can add to each number:

10. David Murray has more hair.
9.
8.
7.
6.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1.

#9: The thought that Charles Pizzo would cook for anyone else.

Steve,

I just ran in to your post. I'm dying over here.

I like the opposite end of flight. You're on approach, about 50 feet off of the ground doing 150 mph and the guy next to me is calling his secretary. "Hi Linda, any messages? No....oh....Ok." He hangs up looking all disappointed like he was awaiting a call from the Pope or something, then our wheels hit the ground. Get a real life.