Thank you, Steve, for calling out these folks. I would add the Get-Off-The-Plane corollary...the people who are so busy making phone calls as soon as the plane hits the tarmac that they are unable to get their luggage out of the overhead bins and just get on down the aisle and out of the plane in an efficient and courteous manner. Instead, they struggle for what always feels to me like an interminable amount of time, clenching the phone between their head and shoulder while they try to pull down a too-heavy roll-aboard suitcase and yell, "Hold on, hold on! I can't hear you! I'm trying to get off the plane!" into their phone.

That's when I want to take their phone from them, hang it up, and say, very sweetly, "Yes, you are trying to get off the plane, as are the rest of us. And you'll be so much more effective at it if you just do that one thing first, then continue your phone call inside the terminal."

Steve - you hit the nail on the head with this one. I loathe these people - it's like they've just encountered airport security or something. Seriously. I actually plan what shoes I'm going to wear to the airport due to security - because I don't want to have to tie anything when I put them back on.

They should ban the use of cell phones/crackberry's in the security lines. Bastards.

Genie:

You just previewed #3 on the list!! The sons of bitches who have to talk on their phones WHILE they board the aircraft. As if they can't hang up for the five seconds that they need to find their seats, stow their bags, and sit their ass down. I'll have to come up with a new #3 . . .

Rebecca: I, too, plan my shoes accordingly. I wear slip on loafers. I always try to have a pocket in my shirt, so I can keep my boarding pass in there, with easy access. I keep one pocket on my briefcase clear, so I can jam my glasses, cell phone, change, and ipod in there.

THe rest of my life is a total mess . . . but I'm GOOD at getting through security. Why can't everybody else be?

Steve C.

It's a lot like ... conversations of an extremely personal nature, if you catch my drift. Those who talk about it loudly and often are generally those who get little or none to speak of. The bigger the showman, the smaller the show. I don't claim to be a truly frequent flier, but I do make my little puddle jumper once a month, and that's often enough to keep me honest and organized. I think the Blackberry-using, cell-phone-displaying, bin-hogging, gallon-ziploc folks you're talking about are people who *actually* only fly once or twice a year, or less, but desperately want to look like they travel more, because it would make them more important. (Wow, run-on sentence much? Still with me?) Those of us who have done it plenty know there is nothing glamorous about business travel, and mostly welcome the airport as a few precious moments to get *away* from the incessant calls and emails.

That said, I do occasionally recline my seat an inch or so -- never full bore. And usually only to get away from the fellow who jammed his seat into my space so rudely.

Steve - you owe me a new keyboard!!! I have not laughed this much sitting in cubicleville in a very long time.

I am 100% with you on the airport line procrastinator people. Luckily these days I only travel for "fun" not for business, so my trips are limited to a few times a year. I always notice how my five-year-old is more prepared than the crackberry-I'm so self-important-important people. He stands in line with his shoes in his hand and backpack ready to put through the X-ray.

My question is ... If a Kindergarten student can manage his way through the process without slowing down the line (and not reclining once on the plane) then why can't the grown ups?????

And there you have it Meredith - my kids were way more prepared than most of the adults...of course...they had me prodding...have your passes and birth certificates ready! get your shoes off! grab your bin quickly! Don't wear any jewelry! I'm like security nazi with my boys.

Traveling with kids...it's not so much getting through the scanners, but the whole security "pat down." They seriously told my 4 and 10-year-old kids, "You can't touch mommy until we're through," then took me over to an area where my kids could see me being probed by a scary TSA woman named Berta. Of course, my kids had many questions, especially since they've been drilled with the "good touch" vs. "bad touch" speeches from my husband and I. Traveling is a humiliating experience all around.

On the same vein as the procrastinators (who actually know the rules of airport screening but conveniently forget to play along until the end) are those that haven't traveled since 9/11 and are amazed, AMAZED, at all the crazy things that are asked of them. The best example of this is when I was flying internationally last year and a couple was in the security line behind me (how they made it through the check-in process I have no idea); when it came time for her to show her ID to get through security, she produced her credit card that had her picture on it. No driver's license, no passport, no government licensed photo ID, just a credit card with her picture on it. She was aghast that security would not let her through and that she would have to go home and get her driver's license because she forgot it there and they just had to make this flight. Those people just amaze me. Or there are also the ones who make a big stink about taking their shoes off, putting their bags through security, or basically having to do any of the other procedures that the rest of us have been dealing with for the past 5 years because they haven't flown since 1992 and it just wasn't like that then. Man, I love flying!

Think "rifle through his carry-on" should be "riffle" - two ll's: "to leaf rapidly through."

Procrastinate, from the Latin, pro: "forward to" cras: "tomorrow." Looking forward to tomorrow, rather than to the immediate moment.

Again, as with the farters and recliners, the procrastinator's function is to prepare us for work, to remind us that when we get to our work, tomorrow, we will do so with a renewed sense of the importance of planning, communication, efficiency, focus, team-work, integration, and the like.

Pat

Since Steve is going to find a new #3, I had to tell my "annoying self-important cell-phone user" story in case I don't get another chance.

This wasn't a plane situation but I think it still has some relevance (and a good laugh). Here in Toronto where I live we have the subway (I think you Chicago folks call it the L??). Anyway, I was on the subway one day at rush hour, which means the train car resembles the big box store the day the new game boys(or whatever the hell they call them these days) go on sale - meaning 800 people in a space meant for 100.

So this woman is on her cell phone ranting away about her upcoming date, i.e. is he worthy of her, what should she wear, blah, blah, blah. Of course she's talking at the decibel levels of a herd of rampaging elephants so everyone on the car has an unwilling front row seat for the dissertation of her love life.

Finally after about 10 minutes of this, a man sitting across the aisle from her, who had a New York accent so I assume he was a visitor, says, (just as loudly you understand) "Lady, with your lack of class and manners, you'll be lucky if he fucks you and nobody on this train cares about your life, so how about you turn down the volume to a reasonable level?!?! Several people on the train actually applauded - I'm serious! It was great. And she shut off the phone so it worked.

While I wouldn't be able to pull that off myself (I am Canadian and just too polite) I have fondly remembered that nervy guy everytime since when I've encountered the "in their own mind VIPs cell phone boors". Ah good times.

A few comments...again this is a genius addition to the list. I mostly travel for fun, but like everyone else has mentioned here, always wear shoes that will be easy to remove and have ID and boarding pass in hand. Move quickly to bin, place everything in bin, move swiftly up and through metal detector, quickly grab bin, move completely out of the way of people behind me, and quickly reassemble myself and go. How hard is this? I am always amazed at the people who are standing at the end of the belt putting themselves back together and blocking your way to your stuff, which is piling up and being smashed by the bags and bins behind it. They have tables and chairs past security for a reason--get out of the way, you moron!

Earlier this year, I was in a security line behind a Goth gal who was wearing knee-high lace-up(!) stiletto boots. The stiletto was actually silver metal and she could totally kill someone with it, yet there she was, blissfully standing there waiting to walk through security with her dagger of death lace-up boots ON! She was oh-so-surprised when they asked her to remove them and of course, it took her forever, and held up the line. She bitched the whole time she was unlacing them--the audacity that they were inconveniencing her like that--and everyone else was bitching at her under our breaths!

I was also boarding a flight to Canada this year and witnessed a man being asked to step out of line because he did not have his U.S. passport with him. He was very perplexed--what? I'm just flying to Canada! The airline attendant told him, not without a passport you're not! He totally thought his Texas driver's license was all he needed. It's just Canada, another country, after all!

Idiots are everywhere!!!

Steve,
you talked about the procrastinators on the "front end" of the bin process and I agree that you want to shove a well-shined shoe right up their ass. Don't forget about the dickhead's behavior "after" they walk through the little doorway. The exit chute is often about 20 feet long with typically a 10 foot table at the end of it. The courteous people (aware of anything else but themselves) push their bins all the way down the chute and onto the table before they start re-assembling themselves. The choad-heads will start the re-dress immediately at the end of the scanning machine, thereby halting all forward movement for anyone who has the dire consequence of being right behind them. It's one of my favorite things to do: right while dumbshit is balancing on one foot putting on a shoe...I push their fucking bins screaming down the chute and clattering into the table. This is accompanied by a deathly "don't even fuck with me glare" that usually has them scurrying after their bins.

Well, this is all a very interesting, detailed, anecdotal, and valid description of a significant corporate or industry problem.

So - professional communicators: Any ideas to address the issue? Think there's some consulting money to be made here. I see customer and employee focus groups, a survey, a strategic plan,(with accountabilities, initiatives, tactics, budgets, and schedules), some allocation of resources against measurable goals. The ROI thing. Needs a big RFP upfront, of course. Foot in the door, then spread it out or "extrapolate" it to the industry? United? Southwest?

Wouldn't it be great if we could form a virtual consultancy on Steve's blog, address the issues Steve brings up, solve them online, and share in the profits?

Pat