Another day, another lost business opportunity for Crescenzo Communications.
Let me explain.
I had this brilliant idea for a children’s book series. I had the characters sketched out, plot lines established for the first seven books . . . I even had a line of ancillary products—lunchboxes, stuffed animals, backpacks, etc.—lined up and ready to go.
I figured it would only be a matter of time until Nickelodeon or one of the other children’s networks picked up the option on my books, and my character became the next SpongeBob Squarepants.
Then, last week, I picked up the newspaper and saw this horrible headline:
Librarians ban top children’s book for using the ‘S-word.’
At first, I wasn’t concerned. I figured the “S” word was shit. Or maybe suck. Or maybe both, and they banned a book where the schoolyard bully says something like, “Suck shit, assbreath.”
But no. When I kept reading, I got the bad news in the first paragraph:
“An award-winning children’s book about a ten-year-old girl seeking answers about life has provoked an uproar in America because it uses the word ‘scrotum’ on the first page.”
That’s right, the horribly offensive word the author used isn’t shit or suck. It’s scrotum.
Here’s more from the article:
“Susan Patron’s The Higher Power of Lucky, which won America’s top children’s book award, is being barred from school libraries in parts of the country because of the mention of male genitalia — even though the actual reference is to the scrotum of a dog.”
Now, maybe if it was a man scrotum, it would have been allowed. But dog scrotums are off limits, I guess. To everybody but the dogs themselves, who have been known to spend many a pleasant hour with their own scrotums.
Now, you might be thinking: What does this have to do with my genius business idea?
Well, in my series of children’s books, the main character is a scrotum! Sammy the Scrotum, to be exact.
In the series, Sammy is a very shy guy—very sensitive, and easily hurt. The stories were going to be filled with wonderful life lessons about how you have to develop a hard shell in life, and how you can’t allow yourself to get hurt every time life brushes up against you.
I had an entire world created! Sammy the Scrotum lives in the middle floor of a three-story apartment building. His nemesis, Peter P., lives right above him. And below him is an old, wise couple—Mr. and Mrs. Taint, who help him deal with the fact that Peter P. is always doing mean things to him, like sitting on him, or dribbling water on his head.
I had the whole series all mapped out. I would introduce Sammy and the gang in the first book: “Sammy the Scrotum and the Tighty Whitey Nightmare," where Sammy decides to move out of his small, cramped studio apartment into his new building, where he meets the rest of the gang.
Book Two, I feel, was destined to be an instant classic:
“Two Nuts, One Shell: Sammy the Scrotum Learns to Share.”
In Book Three, Sammy finally stands up to Peter P. It’s called:
“Left Ball, Right Ball, Peter P’s in the Middle!”
In my mind, I had Ryan Seacreast doing the voice for Sammy the Scrotum on the TV show (is there anyone in the world who has more practice playing a scrotum than Ryan Seacrest?), and Simon Cowell voicing Peter P.
Mr. and Mrs. Taint would be voiced by George Castanza’s parents . . . and so on. It was all set. The only thing I needed was an agent.
But no . . . if they won’t allow even one mention of a dog scrotum in an award-winning children’s book, what chance do I have that they would allow an entire series about a friendly, shy nut sack?
Back to the drawing board, I guess.
Comments (18)
Ever hear of self publishing? Go for it!
Posted by Jew Jew B | February 22, 2007 12:54 PM
Posted on February 22, 2007 12:54
OK, that's it. I think it finally needs to be said: You are a deeply disturbed man. You need to see someone--as soon as possible.
But great blog anyway!
mark
Posted by mark ragan | February 22, 2007 1:41 PM
Posted on February 22, 2007 13:41
OK, no brainer -- First Amendment being what it is and all, the libraries that ban that book are overreacting. Having said that, let's add some seriousness to the discussion. What was the author thinking when she tried to force that word on innocent little kiddies? There is absolutely no need for it. Did she grow up and think, "Damn, I wish I could have read about scrotums when I was a little kid. By God, I'll make it available for other little kids so they can read what I couldn't." And I question the thought process of editors and publishers who think that's OK. Something is a little weird here, and it's more than just a library wanting to shelter kids from a word.
Will
Posted by Will Daniel | February 22, 2007 2:02 PM
Posted on February 22, 2007 14:02
This is f-in' hilarious.
Just got approval to sign up for "Integrating Print and Online" in Vancouver - I think I'm in for two days of a rollicking good time.
Keep up the good work, Steve.
Posted by Don Lariviere | February 22, 2007 3:15 PM
Posted on February 22, 2007 15:15
Mark: I was normal before I started working for you 15 years ago. Always remember that.
Will . . . you're right: Part of me hates the blue-nose librarians . . . but another part of me wonders what dog balls were doing in the kid's story to begin with.
Don! That's great news. Let's drink together in Canada!
Steve C.
Posted by Steve C. | February 22, 2007 3:34 PM
Posted on February 22, 2007 15:34
People are strange. This was the subject of an editorial Daily Herald just today in fact.
Once, on a playground with my ankle biters, I was admonished by another 4 or 5 year old for using the word "butt" - as in asking by child "Is your butt all the way on the swing?"
She told me THAT WORD was not allowed in her house. Butt. It was not clear if the version with one "t" was acceptable.
Not a fan of teaching kids euphemisms for body parts. We dont have code words for elbow or knee or clavicle or wrist - why all the talk of hoo haas and dingers? OK I admit, this was just an excuse to use the word dinger. Dinger, dinger, dinger.
Sorry, been a long day.
Posted by Neruda | February 22, 2007 4:04 PM
Posted on February 22, 2007 16:04
I can't get over all these parents who pretend - or perhaps even believe - that their children can't see that male dogs have balls. Some of them (the dogs, that is) have great big ones, displayed where no one can miss them - especially kids, who are JUST at the right height.
Posted by Tim H | February 22, 2007 5:31 PM
Posted on February 22, 2007 17:31
I should have known you'd latch on to this one, Steve. I did, too. My instantaneous reaction was that any 10-year-old boy who doesn't know what a scrotum is hasn't been taught nearly enough about his anatomy, and any 10-year-old girl who doesn't know can be calmly told the word and get over it. (I've got a 13-year-old. She has a 6-year-old brother. She knows, and has for a while.) The people who get all perturbed about this are the same folks who were freaking out back when I was trying to borrow "Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret."
The bigger deal we make of it, the bigger deal they make of it. Freak out over scrotum, and it'll be the most delightfully salacious book in town. Provide a simple, clinical definition, and they'll have forgotten about it by page 3. :P
But one does have to wonder if the author wasn't tweaking noses a bit. It was supposedly based on an actual incident, but one could easily have changed it to "butt." Then again, that doesn't hold the same delicious obscurity as scrotum, which is supposedly the point of the passage.
And Oh!, how I wish that this were the most disagreeable thing the world had to argue about!!
Posted by DeAnna B | February 22, 2007 11:56 PM
Posted on February 22, 2007 23:56
"Suck shit, assbreath."
Neruda got Dinger on the brain...Run away!
My four year old daughter (7 years ago) told me she wanted to be a dad when she grew up. I told her that she couldn’t; only boys can be dad but girls can be moms. She said "even if I don't grow boobs and have one of those hangy things?"
Posted by AN | February 23, 2007 7:45 AM
Posted on February 23, 2007 07:45
Hey Steve....drinks in Vancouver shall indeed be mandatory. First one's on me!
Posted by Don Lariviere | February 23, 2007 12:23 PM
Posted on February 23, 2007 12:23
I'll never forget the most profound question my granson ever asked me. He was just two at the time and was riding in his car seat inside my car. "Pop," he began. "Why did you call that man a fuckin' idiot?"
"Because he is rude, Jake."
Jake is now 12 and still thinks all rude people are fuckin' idiots.
Will
Posted by Will Daniel | February 23, 2007 2:13 PM
Posted on February 23, 2007 14:13
Yeah, you gotta watch the language around the little nippers. Friends of ours did not, and one fine evening while they were dining in a restaurant, their sweet little girl stood up on on the booth seat, looked over the back into the adjacent booth, and loudly announced, "Mommy! Those people are dickheads!"
Yikes!
Greg
Posted by Greg Marsh | February 23, 2007 3:32 PM
Posted on February 23, 2007 15:32
Steve,
This post reminds me of a joke -
What do you call a dachshund with steel balls?
Sparky!
I'm glad to see I'm not the only female with big enough fallopian tubes to post on this macho-infested blog of yours. right now I'm in Rio on assignment and can't get over the Brazilian fixation with female butts - In North America it's breasts, South American guys focus their attention, well in the south. Is there a deep meaning for this?
Suzanne
Posted by suzanne salvo | February 25, 2007 9:02 AM
Posted on February 25, 2007 09:02
Scrotum is a dirty word? Since when. Gah. I've never been someone to throw the "nanny state" phrase around but, seriously, "NANNY STATE!"
Posted by Malnurtured snay | February 25, 2007 10:03 PM
Posted on February 25, 2007 22:03
Suzanne:
Please trust me. Brazilian men aren't the only ones who are "connoisseurs du derrière." There is no deep meaning for it -- only love and respect.
Will
Posted by Will Daniel | February 26, 2007 6:49 AM
Posted on February 26, 2007 06:49
Funny story about taints. Aren't they all?
We had a running joke when we were doing usability testing of our new site, to see who could say taint the most times in our rap up meetings.
"This user was tainted by preconceived notions"
"Please don't taint my opinion on the matter"
And so on...
All went well until we decided to blog our tally and sent the results over IM. Last time I will ever use group chat that my director is part of. Needless to say, the taint game stopped affter that. I lovve being a 12 year old in a 32 year old body. :-0
Unless thhe book is instructional on what to do with the scrotum, let it be.
DeAnna said it best, the more taboo you make it the more alluring it is. Make it clinical and kids won't care in the least.
Posted by Rob Patey | February 26, 2007 10:46 AM
Posted on February 26, 2007 10:46
Okay Neruda and Suzanne -- they of the steel fallopians -- got audible snorts out of me with Dinger and Sparky. In fact, I shall always think of you two as such.
This post coincides with a huge local issue -- the attempt to ban the display of a scrotum from the trailer hitch of one's vehicle as has been seen often from pickups and jeeps (I had to laugh at the sight of one hanging from the back of a VW Beetle). A woman in our neighborhood stole out in the dark of night to cover one on her street with a sock. Ohhhhhhh my, have we lost our sensibilities and humor as well?
Posted by Michael Clendenin | February 26, 2007 3:31 PM
Posted on February 26, 2007 15:31
Speaking up as a librarian HORRIFIED by the scrotum flap...
The book is not a "little kids" book. It's for 10 years old and up, if I remember correctly. Certainly old enough to understand that the main character is busy learning what things are called.
It's not like this was a new edition of "Goodnight Moon" or anything!
And Steve? Thanks for the great blog! My best buddy (and library PR/communications director) turned me onto your blog and I regularly find myself sitting on the floor laughing when reading it.
Posted by Kestralyn | March 9, 2007 2:26 PM
Posted on March 9, 2007 14:26