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Anyone with a sense of humor likes The Onion, the satirical, wildly funny “newspaper,” right?
But we may not need it for much longer. Why? Because the real news is starting to read like The Onion!
I noticed this the other day, when I was going through my weekly routine of gathering six or seven newspapers and magazines, taking them to El Jardin’s, and reading them over six or seven margaritas.
And as I was reading, I noticed something happening. Something other than the margaritas kicking in, I mean.
Time and time again I would be reading a regular news story, and it would be as ridiculous as something you would read in The Onion.
I’ve started saving these items, and will start running them out here in a regular, ongoing feature titled: The Real World Meets The Onion. Here is the first one:
This article was in Parade Magazine. It was a profile of rock star Jon Bon Jovi. The entire article was about how, despite his enormous fame, Bon Jovi has never ventured far from his New Jersey, blue-collar roots--either physically, spiritually, or emotionally.
This is a tough case to make, seeing as how he had feathered hair that hung down to his ass for most of his career, and the fact that he changed his name to "Jon Bon Jovi."
But never mind the irony of the story as a whole. The part of the piece that really jumped out at me was when the "author" described Jon's growing up, and where he got his "bedrock," blue-collar values:
“His bedrock values were formed in Sayreville, 20 miles north of his mansion, where he grew up as the oldest of three sons. [His parents] John Bongiovi Sr. and Carol Sharkey met when both were in the Marine Corps in the late 1950s. ‘Tough woman. Strong woman. Independent woman,’ Jon says of his mother.”
Now what do you think would be the next line in the story? Well, in a real news story, we would learn that Jon’s mom launched her own waste disposal business, and battled the mob to establish her independence. Or maybe she didn’t even have a job, instead choosing to sacrifice everything to raise her children. Or maybe she ran for a local political position, and used her platform to improve the community.
But no. Here is the very next line about this “Tough, Strong, Independent” woman:
“After leaving the Corps, she was a Playboy Bunny in New York City.”
Ha! Isn’t that straight out of The Onion? You can’t write satire that well! The only difference is that in The Onion, they would have continued the quote, with Bon Jovi saying something like:
“She was the Toughest, Strongest, most Independent Playboy Bunny in the whole club. Her little tail on her uniform was always fuzzy, and her ears were the straightest ones in the whole place.”
And we’re not done yet with this piece! Reading on, we learn a little about Bon Jovi’s blue-collar, tough father:
“John Sr. was going to follow his father into the plumbing business, but Carol talked him into going to hairdressing school instead.”
Ha again! Here is this guy, this supposed tough-guy, blue-collar rocker, and his dad’s a hairdresser and his mom is a Playboy bunny! And he’s bragging about it as if he doesn’t see the irony!
And the very next quote from Bon Jovi is priceless:
“My parents were firm believers that anything you want to have, you can have,” he says. “That was one great gift they gave us—a sense of optimism.”
That is funnier than anything I’ve read in The Onion in a long time. Again, the only thing the story was missing was the extension of the quote:
“My mom told me early on, that if I was willing to work hard and believe in myself, I could be anything. I could be a Playboy Bunny, like her. Or I could be a hairdresser, like Pop. Or I could even be a hairdresser who does the hair for the Playboy Bunnies. Or a Playboy Bunny who does hair on the side. The world was my oyster, and my parents made sure I knew that.”
Is it just me, or is the real news media going to eventually put The Onion out of business.
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Feels like Total Recall. Er, Philip K Dick?
Actually, with Steve's example it's a bit scary --- standing at the urinal...
Comments (15)
I had that same, "This is straight out of the Onion" feeling when I heard that the Geico cavemen will be starring in a sitcom. I wonder if we're becoming so ridiculous as a society of celebrity-obsessed mass consumers that satire is no longer a relavant form of comedy?
Posted by Kevin Allen | July 18, 2007 11:01 AM
Posted on July 18, 2007 11:01
I believe we are, Kevin.
When a mass karaoke contest becomes the most popular show of the century . . . . when fake reality TV becomes the programming of choice . . . . when tens of thousands of people write Paris Hilton letters in jail . . . what is there left to unleash satire on?
Steve C.
Posted by Steve C. | July 18, 2007 11:38 AM
Posted on July 18, 2007 11:38
Addendum to the Jon Bon Jovi story...
I participated in the Habitat Build in New Orleans preceding the IABC International Conference. The Habitat Team leader on one site regaled us with stories of the celebrities who "helped" out -- Harry Connick, Jr. bringing his daughter, "Peaches", by to do some painting after the crew had rolled up for the day, forcing them to bring everything back out of the trailer for Peaches; Danny Glover showing up to "work" in a red silk shirt.
The capper was Jon Bon Jovi. Showed up, was going to be photographed "working", they set him up for success by pre-driving a nail, gave him a hammer, he posed, they snapped....he handed the hammer back. IT NEVER TOUCHED THE NAIL! He never even swung it in the direction of the nail! And off he went. And so was born a new term for us, the real working crew over the next couple days -- when snapping shots to bring back home, we would ask our workmates to pose for the shot by saying "Give me a Bon Jovi!" but it always had to be followed by the subject of the photo giving up whatever tool they were just snapped holding.
And, of course, the issue of Parade you mentioned -- ran the very next weekend, complete with a photo of Jon on a Habitat Build, holding a paint brush, with someone in the background actually painting.
Beautiful!
Posted by michael clendenin | July 18, 2007 12:01 PM
Posted on July 18, 2007 12:01
Well, I certainly agree its a bit sad that Bon Jovi couldn't at least swing the hammer he was holding for the photo op. However, I like seeing celebrities occasionally using their celebrity for something more laudable than simple self-aggrandizement.
As I understand it Jon Bon Jovi has been a long-term public supporter of, and contributed substantial amounts of money to the Habitat cause, and if seeing that photo of him holding the hammer gets even 10 of his fans to volunteer to participate in the building of a house isn't that a good thing?
Still, I won't argue with Steve's original point that the "news" has become more surreal these days than the Onion. The problem is, that silly stuff is what sells papers and makes ratings which apparently is all anyone cares about. I think we need to band together as intelligent consumers and demand these (what are there now, two, three owners of all the media in the US and Canada?) news organizations begin focusing on REAL news again.
Posted by Kristen | July 18, 2007 5:11 PM
Posted on July 18, 2007 17:11
Steve - ummmmm, yeah - are you calling Parade magazine "real news" - honey...sweetie...put down the marguaritas, poor yourself a martini and get a grip! It's PARADE..."I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."
Posted by Rebecca (token IT Goddess) | July 19, 2007 8:04 AM
Posted on July 19, 2007 08:04
Steve:
If you haven't yet, you need to check out fark.com. Its whole existence is based on the fact that "news" isn't really news anymore. The media will write about anything these days and call it news. What a joke!
This site does a great job making fun of the media and their stories.
PS-I'm no longer a "lurker"!
Posted by Carrie | July 19, 2007 9:01 AM
Posted on July 19, 2007 09:01
Steve, keep 'em coming. We all need to laugh more, and these "news" articles are sure to generate a few guffaws.
Posted by Caroline Gangl | July 19, 2007 9:24 AM
Posted on July 19, 2007 09:24
To help set the stage for you, I work in the 5th largest city in the country. The.fifth.largest.city, mind you.
The best our local newspaper could do for above-the-fold news on Monday morning was something about the abundance of swimming pools in the metropolitan area. The thrust of the article was determining whether you can be "green" if you have one of those turquoise jelly bean-shaped entities in your backyard.
I guess absolutely no news happended on Sunday - in the city, the state or the country.
I get more news from The Daily Show.
Posted by Colleen | July 19, 2007 2:22 PM
Posted on July 19, 2007 14:22
Ok, here's a story for this thread. Here's the headline in case the link doesn't work:
"Iranian police arrest 14 squirrels on spying charges"
http://worldblog.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2007/07/20/280529.aspx?GT1=10150
This isn't a joke - it was on msnbc. What's worse, when the reporter asked Iranians on the street about the story here are two comments he quotes:
1) I had not heard about about this, but it does not surprise me, foreign countries are always meddling in Iran
2) I read this story in the papers and though it was very bizarre; what struck me as odd was that in this age of modern technology, people were relying on squirrels to do their spying (This was especially good as it was from "an independent journalist")
If this isn't something that sounds like it's from the Onion, I don't know what is!
Posted by Kristen | July 22, 2007 8:57 AM
Posted on July 22, 2007 08:57
Now you have gone too far. This blog has been home to obscenity-laced tirades and detail-laden descriptions of various indelicate medical procedures, and I remained silent.
But this unprovoked attack on the good name of Bon Jovi is simply beyond the pale.
Shot through the heart, indeed.
You are a cad, sir.
Posted by Neruda | July 23, 2007 9:20 AM
Posted on July 23, 2007 09:20
What about the little item I saw on the front page of Friday's Washington Post, but about which I've heard little else? FEMA knowingly housed Hurricane Katrina victims in trailers that exposed the unfortunate souls to a toxic gas at 75 times the "safe" level. In the Onion, maybe that's funny. I wish that's where I'd read it.
Greg
Posted by Greg Marsh | July 23, 2007 9:47 AM
Posted on July 23, 2007 09:47
Steve - Really, I'm with Neruda on this one.
You give love a bad name.
Plus, Bon Jovi does have some great hair.
Posted by Eileen | July 23, 2007 11:03 AM
Posted on July 23, 2007 11:03
Of course he has great hair . . . his dad is a hairdresser!! Doesn't that explain so much?
That squirrel thing is too funny . . . . and that Katrina thing is just too much. How depressing.
I'm sorry I went over the line, Neruda. It was bad medicine. At least I left Poison and Ratt alone.
Steve C.
Posted by steve C. | July 23, 2007 11:52 AM
Posted on July 23, 2007 11:52
Wish I could take credit for this...
I was working part time in a five and dime. My boss was Mr. Magee. He was six foot four and full of muscles and walked like an Egyptian, but I was happy to be stuck with him. One manic Monday, while I was busy working for the weekend, I overheard him make a careless whisper. He told two of my co-workers, Jack and Diane, that I gave love a bad name. Well, I got so emotional, baby. I told him to say say say what he wants, But don't play games with my affection. He told me it was hard for him to say he's sorry and not to worry, to be happy. Then he blamed it on the rain. He was so out of touch. It just took my breath away. I couldn't fight this feeling any longer. I asked him "What's love got to do with it?" He told me to get outta his store and his dreams and into my car. So I figured I might as well jump. I cut footloose, went home and called my girl, Jenny. (You already know the number) She was on the other line with Amanda. They were talking about Mickey and how he was so fine. That blew my mind! Was she really going out with him? I told her that I had just called to say I love her. She told me she had been saving all her love for me, but now she was looking for a new love - hasta la vista, baby. I thought "I can't go for that - no can do! Bring me a higher love!" I called up some of my old west end girls, hoping that one of them would want to get physical all night long (all night). First I called Billie Jean - she told me to beat it. I called Rosanna - her sister Christian blessed the rains down in Africa and then hung up on me. Come on, Eileen! ... no answer. Nobody told me there'd be days like these! I was feeling like the owner of a lonely heart. Then, out of the blue, my Best friend's girlfriend (she used to be mine) Roxanne calls. Yes, the real Roxanne. She told me she still hadn't found what she's looking for and that she wanted to take on me. I said "I thought you were Jessie's girl." She said "Don't you want me? You don't have to put on the red light - I'm on my own." What a feeling! I had the eye of the tiger. Who was I f-f-f-foolin? Roxanne drove me crazy like no one else. She's a beauty! She blinded me with science, and weird science at that. There was always something there to remind me of her and I just knew that I'd have the time of my life. I wasn't about to la-di-da-di. I jumped in my little red Corvette and rocked down to Electric Avenue. I got my mind set on her. When I got to her house (in the middle of her street) I ran. I rapped on her front door and to this rapper's delight, i heard a voice say "Who can it be now?" "Here I am, the one that you love", I replied. I let my love open the door and was immediately lost in her eyes. I felt like a virgin touched for the very first time. She loosened her blouse and said "Rock me Amadeus!" Well, I felt it was my prerogative to bust a move. I told her "I'll tumble for ya!" as I pinned her on the stairs, hungry like the wolf. Just then I felt an invisible touch on my shoulder. "Turn around bright eyes!" said a familiar voice. As I did, Jessie hit me with a sledgehammer of an uppercut that spun me right round like a record. He was hangin' tough and continued to roll with it, knocking the wind from beneath my wings - broken wings by this time. He rocked me tonight, for old time's sake, beating me from head to toe, until my true colors were black and blue and blood was spilling from my mouth like red, red wine. "You don't owe me money for nothing!" he snarled. At this point I was livin' on a prayer. I crawled back to my little red Corvette and drove home thinking about how my tainted love had cut like a knife - how it seems that every rose, truly, has its thorn. No longer do I want to know what love is. Love stinks.
Posted by Neruda | July 23, 2007 1:21 PM
Posted on July 23, 2007 13:21
Neruda - I've seen those things before (there's a TV one circulating too) but they always crack me up. They feature songs/shows from the exact time that I was listening to current music the most and watching waaay too much TV, so I truly get the references.
Thanks for sharing this one.
Posted by Andrea S-R | July 24, 2007 8:51 AM
Posted on July 24, 2007 08:51