Oh, how I hate those things.

I once saw a woman using one at the elementary school's concert. And no, she was NOT in the back of the room ... not even standing in the aisle along the wall, like some of the parents were. She was in the second row, front and center. Granted, she was only whispering into the blue dildo thingy, but I could still hear her, since she was sitting two seats down from my family. I was actually trying to listen to the kids, and I was ticked.

And seriously, what kind of a message does that send to your kid? "Sorry Frankie, I just can't give your concert my full attention because I'm talking to Crystal about Mary Jo's daughter's boyfriend's mother. No, it can't wait until after your 30-minute concert, because then I'll have to call Yolanda to talk about her mother's sister's new husband's new car."

Steve, stop being so damned funny. You ruined my mascara AGAIN! Sheesh.

Steve,
So your complaint is not about John being rude on the phone, it's about the particular type of phone he used? what if he had done the same thing, but was using a normal handphone that you didn't see until you got close to him - would you have reacted as hysterically? You've been hanging with Murray too long - his dislike for connectivity is rubbing off on you. It's about rude, not about Blue Tooth, cellphones or any other tool that vibrates! I think you miss the point here, although I forgive you because you are so damn funny.

You'll think I'm making this up (and oh, how I wish I were), but I'm not ... I recently spotted a Bluetooth in a most unlikely place. I was flipping through the newspaper one Sunday morning when I ran across a photo of a man wearing one in his ear ...

... in his ENGAGEMENT photo. Honest.

I clipped it out and posted it on my fridge, because I knew my wife wouldn't believe me.

Andrea . . . I think we can all expect to see more and more of that. And Suzanne, of COURSE it's the rude behavior that gets me . . . but it's also the fact that these people talk on the phone MORE now, and for longer periods of time, and there is more room for confusion.

I mean, if someone is on the phone, you KNOW it. From a city block away. There is a "phone stance." One arm is cocked up toward the head, and it stays there. They are either on the phone, or they are standing there with a gun to their head about to commit suicide.

With these damned Bluetooths, you never know! At least once a trip, at the airport, I'll think someone is talking to me or asking me something, and it's one of these Toothers.

So of course I always eavesdrop . . . and most of the conversations aren't even important . . . they're like Andrea says: talking about new cars or other stupid stuff.

On the other hand, if I am starting to sound like Murray, I have to rethink things. He's 36 going on 75, and hates everything.

Sorry about the mascara, Donna!

And John, I need you to forward me that engagement information. I want to write to that woman and tell her to run for her life NOW. Anyone who is that big of a self-centered clown will be a horrible husband and father.

Steve C.

>>I wasn't going to disturb him, but his eyes caught mine, and he smiled and waved. So I smiled and waved.

So you would have preferred that he didn't acknowledge that he even knew you...or perhaps scowled instead of smiled to warn you to keep your distance?

I can see his blog entry now....

"There I was, at an extremely critical and sensitive point in the negotiations to broker a lasting peace with Iraq, Iran and North Korea when this Uncle Fester look alike dude that I barely met the night before catches my eye. So, being a friendly sort of guy I smiled.

Next thing I know he lumbers over and starts squawking and won't stop even when I way him off....repeatedly. I finally had to give him the cold shoulder to get rid of him.

But the damage had been done...I missed a key point in the negotiations...in fact the lynch pin of the entire deal and the whole thing collapsed. So much for getting our troops home now!!!!""

Craig:

HA!! Touche! But you make my point exactly! If he was on the regular phone, there would have been no confusion. I would have seen the phone, and if we did make eye contact, I would have smiled, and he would have smiled back, and that would have been it.

But NOOOOOOOO!!! Not with the super secret spy dildoes!!! I think if you are going to wear one, you should have to also wear a big sandwich board that reads:

I AM ON THE PHONE ALL THE TIME, EVEN THOUGH YOU CAN'T SEE IT. IF I AM RUDE BECAUSE OF THAT I AM SORRY. PLEASE WALK BY ME AND DON'T TALK TO ME.

Here was his actual blog entry:

"So there I was, talking to my buddy about our fantasy baseball team and whether we should trade Carlos Zambrano because he's crazy, when this good looking guy who looks like the guy from The Shield comes walking over, and the stupid son of a bitch doesn't even realize that I'm Bluetoothing, and the fat bastared starts talking to me!! Can you imagine? Doesn't he recognize a 'Tooth when he sees one?"

Steve C.

Missed opportunity, Steve. When he waved, you should've waved back -- but with only one finger.

Will

Craig - Seriously! You KNOW that these people are NEVER (okay, MAYBE 0.01% of the time) talking about someone being taken to the hospital for emergency appendectomy surgery, or your child's been expelled and if you don't get down there directly to collect him they're going to lock him in a closet. No, it's like Andrea says, they're babbling on about NOTHING!!!

Yesterday, I heard some woman loudly on her phone in the coffee shop, and this is a verbatim quote: "Ya, so, I'm getting coffee... no I'm in line...I don't know...maybe the dark roast...I guess...I'll be leaving for there as soon as I pay...Uh-huh..." that's the point where I had my coffee and left, so I missed the remainder of that clearly earth-shaking conversation which obviously had to happen on the cell phone at that very minute or worlds would fall!

Thank the GODS I was ahead of her in line because I had no caffeine in me at that point, and I was THIS CLOSE to ripping the phone out of her ear and screaming: SERIOUSLY, YOU ARE A LOSER! THIS CONVERSATION DOES NOT REQUIRE USING UP YOUR CELL MINUTES OR ANNOYING THE REST OF THE WORLD. GET A LIFE!!!

Not that I'm bitter, or anything... ;-)

You do know, don't you, that when your son gets a little older he will ABSOLUTELY have to have one - or the Uber Cool Techno Gizmo dejour - and if it drives his old man bananas, so much the better.

I don't care if my son is gay, straight, or both. I don't care if he wants to dress like a woman, change into a woman, or be a woman. I don't care if he gets a tattoe like Mike Tyson across his face, or pierces his tongue or his testicles. I don't care if he wants to join the Peace Corps or the Foreign Legion or the Young Republicans. I don't care if he wants to sweep streets or work on Wall Street.

But he will NOT wear a Bluetooth.

Steve C.

The popularity of these hands free devices stem from laws preventing people from using cell phones while driving. Some states like mine (TN) have just listed it under a blanket law called “Distractive Driving” such as talking on the phone, watching a DVD, playing with that navigation system or reaching back to smack that kid in the back seat. Every once in a while my wife will really, really “distract” me on road-trips, but I make her wait until we cross the state line.

I’m a contractor for AT&T and the suits “(at least when they were BellSouth before AT&T bought them out) not only had to ware them, but their phones were set to auto answer so they could always be reached when they were away from their desks. Apparently their Blackberries have some awkward button that initiates redial and this guy had called his wife unknowingly and bitched about her for 20 min to a co-worker in the car with him.

Not for me, just pick the phone up at your desk and look at the ear piece, YUCK! I can only imagine what those things look like at the end of the day.

I am really of two minds about this. On one hand, my company makes a butt load of cashola on the things (it weird, you gotta subsidize the phone to get people to buy, but they will drop a hundo on the earpiece or 60 bucks on a leather case without batting an eye). You do kinda look like a tool with it however.

My favorite are the people who use the WIRED headsets - I just saw a lady at the airport with the wire looped around her ear and chin tightly, like a strap. Classy. Someone tell these idiots you dont need to hold the mic part to your mouth - they are designed to dangle.

And there is your choice Steve: dildo, dangle, or dingleberry. Oh my.

>>But he will NOT wear a Bluetooth.

Ahh Grasshopper, you have so much to learn about the (real) ways of the world.

Hold the hell ON:

I do not dislike "connectivity." I dislike "CONSTANT connectivity WITH EVERY LAST FRIEND, ACQUAINTANCE AND EX-MISTRESS EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY NO MATTER WHAT I'M DOING.

For instance: When I'm lying around with Steve like the grandparents in Willy Wonka, I'm lying around with Steve like the grandparents in Willy Wonka!

Hold my calls!

I think I can help. Since the headsets are so hard to spot, here are some other visual clues you can look for:

http://www.magnificentbastard.com/features/toolbag

Jim Harris, you've made my day! And I think I might have to subscribe to the MB.
Greg

Jim Harris:

Thank you for that! I had one of those "I wish I would have thought to do that" when I was reading that. Perfect.

Hey, it's great to see the old gang back out here . . .A N, Neruda, Marsh . . . I've been wondering where everybody has been.

Oh, that's right . . .I haven't posted anything in a while. Hard to comment on nothing, I imagine.

Dildo, dangle, or dingleberry . . . I choose isolation. Blessed, sacred isolation.

Steve C.

Thought this T-shirt went with the topic:
http://www.palmercash.com/product.asp?3=1070
You're brilliant!

And I'm still stuck trying to figure out what sleeping with David Murray had to do with the Bluetooth story....

Jane:

If you've ever slept with David Murray, you wouldn't have to ask that question.

Megan . . . . great shirt!

You know, I just now saw a reason to Bluetooth. I was in Chipotle, getting a burrito. The idiot ahead of me was on her cell phone . . . you know, one of those assholes who has to talk the entire time their in line, so they're talking on the phone while giving their order, while paying, etc.

This bubblehead's conversation was about her plans for the evening with her bubblehead friends . . . but this was at 11:30 in the morning, so it couldn't have been crucial just yet . . . but apparently it was, because she couldn't get off the phone for two seconds to deal politely with the checkout person, get her money out, pay, and get out of the store.

NO . . . . she had to cradle the phone to her neck while she kept talking as she dug through her purse looking for money.

In this one instance, if you are a big enough asshole to have to talk on the phone the entire time you are in line, then get yourself a Bluethooth, so at least as you're irritating everybody around you with your inane, assholeish conversation, you won't also be holding up the line because you're holding your phone.

Steve C.

Steve:

I am so glad you brought this up. I had a Bluetooth experience that I have been dying to tell. A guest Bluetoothed my wedding. Not the rehearsal. Not the reception. The wedding. In a church.

I will always have this memory: I look over to my beautiful wife, smile at my mom and dad, scan the guests, and then see this man with a Bluetooth in his ear. I can’t believe the priest didn’t stop the ceremony and smack it off his ear.

Also, it is fitting that you call it a dildo. A Bluetooth is the preferred tool of social-electronic masturbators.

Thanks for the story.

Billy the Kid

Jane--

Everybody can see Steve was name-dropping. MUST you force him to admit it to the whole blogosphere?

David

David: It was just so clumsy and pathetic....

Then there are those who talk on their cell phones in the bathroom. On the toilet. And while flushing.

NO ONE I KNOW, THANK GOODNESS.

But I've heard it happen.

Steve, I think you should create a hierarchy of communication channels.

At the bottom would squat emails, then on its stooped shoulders, would perch instant messaging, texting and twittering. Above that should stand Skype phone conversations, staring at the navels of mobile phone calls and your accursed Bluetoothers. But then way above all cellular communication should be real life communication with real human beings in real time, in real 3D space with eye contact and alcohol.
But the only communication that trumps face to face is done between consenting adults horizontally and lovingly, and then if you stick a dildo in your ear - well who am I to judge!

Marc -- are you saying that that isn't done face to face? Hmmm.

Did we just jump the shark?

I just started a new job, and guess what was on my desk right next to my laptop and new cell phone? A blue tooth. I will think of you every time I wear the thing (just as soon as I figure out how it works). The most wear it's had in the three days hence is my five-year-old daughter wearing it around the house while she sings "High School Musical" songs in it. Apparently she thinks it's a microphone.