Well . . . I did it. The Death March is over. And I made it. I'm scarred, and not whole, but I'm alive.
I just finished five straight days of full-day workshops, for the government of Alberta in Edmonton.
I’ve never done five days in a row. The closest I’ve ever come to it is doing a two-day seminar, then a day off, then another two-day seminar. I did that once, and then I vowed to never even do that again.
But the people from Edmonton were so nice, and they really wanted and needed the five days . . . and as always I needed the money, so there you have it. I signed on for the March.
Midway through Day Three I couldn’t feel my legs; my back gave out at 2 p.m. on Day Four; and by the end of Day Five I had forgotten what city I was in.
If the people in the classes were jerks, I couldn’t have done it. But they were so nice, and so engaged in the workshops, they made it possible. And one nice thing was that by Day Four, people were coming up to me and showing me how they were using the information I was sharing to already improve how they communicate.
One women completely redid the cover of her print publication; another launched a blog while I was there; another was starting a podcast. That is heaven for a trainer—actually seeing the results of your work in real time.
But that’s not what I’m writing about. I’m writing with a warning, for any U.S. citizens who are about to travel to Canada. I don’t want what happened to me up there to happen to you.
First, let me say that Edmonton is a terrific town. It’s a weird little place, because the people are all down-to-earth and very blue-collar . . . yet the whole province of Alberta is swimming in oil money.
I heard from several people that Alberta has more oil than all of Saudi Arabia. (If an American said that, I’d write it off as empty bragging; but Canadians, as far as I can tell, don’t brag. So it must be true).
So the city is growing and changing very quickly. It would be as if someone discovered oil on the South Side of Chicago . . . if the people on the South Side of Chicago were friendly, like the Canadians. Which they are not. So, I guess, never mind.
The first thing I noticed about Edmonton is that, for a smallish city in western Canada, it’s a pretty expensive little place. The cab from the airport to the Westin, where I was staying all week, was almost $50.
“But that’s Canadian dollars,” I remember thinking. “So it’s really about $35 U.S. That’s not bad. Besides, the client has to pay for that.”
Then, on my second night, I had a couple of martinis at the Fairmont Hotel. The bill? Forty bucks. For two drinks. But I didn’t care! It was Canadian Funny Money! Probably about 25 bucks in American dollars.
And since the Fairmont bar was beautiful and overlooked Edmonton’s gorgeous river valley, and since I happened to be there right when the light was making the entire scene look like a painting, and since the martinis were made with Hendricks gin and were perfectly concocted, I thought it was the best $25 I could spend right at that moment in time.
Then it was on to dinner at an Italian place. They had a bottle of Barolo on the wine list for $65!! Which, I figured, was less than $50 American . . . and you can’t get Barolo for that price in the States, so bring it on my good man, I said to the waiter! And yes, let’s do the smoked salmon and the duck, the two most expensive items on the menu!
The next night, it was on to Ruth’s Chris steak house . . . where my waiter and new BFF Glenn talked me into ordering the venison chops.
“They’re $63, but worth every penny,” he said.
“Okay,” I said, playing the big shot, “but only if you can find me a suitable bottle of Zinfandel to go with it!”
And guess what? Glenn did! He found me a bottle for $75 . . . and it was terrific! Especially when you consider that it was probably only about $55 American dollars. I was living high on the hog . . . or the venison, anyway!
What’s that, Glenn? Brandy to finish off the meal? Oh, no, Glenn. Not brandy. Calvados! The nectar of the Gods, and a steal at $15 Canadian for one glass!!
And so it went. My reward for each day’s successful, though back-breaking, seminar was a really good meal, with great wine. Why not, right? After all, this is Canada, where the dollar can take you farther than it can in the States.
And then it all fell apart. It was on the morning of Day Four of the Death March, and I’m talking about my meals with the class, when they dropped the bomb.
“You do know that the Canadian dollar is worth more than the U.S. dollar right now, eh?” somebody told me. Everybody else laughed. I wet myself. I did the rest of the day with my trousers soaked in urine. Now I know how accountants feel every day. I'll never make fun of them again.
When did this happen? I'm no finance professional, but isn't the U.S. dollar always stronger than the Canadian dollar? How did I miss this?
What a disaster. My Fairmont martinis weren’t twelve bucks a piece . . .they were more like $23 each! With tip that is just about fifty bucks American! When I travel for Ragan, that’s my whole per diem . . . for the entire trip!
And I want to know: Who is to blame for this? Can I blame Bush for this, too? It’s bad enough that he has destroyed whatever reputation we had in the world, is trying to turn this country into a theocracy, and got us involved in a tar baby war in Iraq that can only end badly . . . but did he fuck up the dollar, too? Can the man do nothing right?
And Canada, you should be ashamed of yourself! You know that there are plenty of morons out there, like me, who don’t pay attention to exchange rates. You need to be a better host and make people aware that things have changed.
You should have a big sign up at the airports and other entry points to the country. Something that says:
“Hey, you big fat-ass stupid Americans. Your dollar ain’t worth shit up here anymore. Proceed accordingly.”
I’m doing the math on this right now, but I think I might have actually lost money on this job. Which means I need some work.
Does anyone need a speaker/consultant/writer? I’ll do anything. I'll work with IT. I'll work with legal. I'll work with accountants. I will do five days in a row again. I'll do seven days in a row. Whatever you need, I'll do. I have to pay off Edmonton.
The only condition is, I want to be paid in Canadian dollars.
Comments (24)
Ah, my dear friend Steve...imagine my schizophrenia, having relocated here permanently last year. On any given day, I think "Should I stock up on wine here in Toronto, or is it worth a schlep down to Buffalo to stock the mini bar?" Every day, a different answer. And today, I hear the loonie is heading south again - maybe you should wait anothew few days to pay that bill? If we ever do have a chance to get together for dinner, we'll have to decide at that point who pays!
Posted by Don Lariviere | October 22, 2007 1:04 PM
Posted on October 22, 2007 13:04
As someone who has lived in Edmonton for most of his life, I can say we work hard to keep visitor's high esteem. Thanks!
Prices for things (exchange rate or not) are only high until the next oil bust. The last boom and bust were in the early eighties, but people's memories are conveniently selective (or hazy at best) and plenty of people are getting fooled into thinking the money-chase can go on forever. Condos that were going for the low-end of $80,000 three years ago are now going for a half million and everyone is doing their damnedest to turn Alberta into the Texas of the North.
Posted by Doug | October 22, 2007 1:23 PM
Posted on October 22, 2007 13:23
Don:
If I don't have a business reason to come to Toronto soon, I may just have to invent a reason to come up there. It's been far too long since I dined at Canoe . . . I see a long night with you and me sitting at the chef's rail.
Doug . . . I heard some of those housing nightmare stories while I was there. Some buyers, wanting to get in so bad, were agreeing to forego the inspection process just to beat out other buyers.
One woman I talked to actually bid MORE on a house, but because she wasn't willing to forego the inspection, lost it to a lower bidder who was.
That seems crazy to me . . .
Steve C.
Posted by Steve C. | October 22, 2007 1:34 PM
Posted on October 22, 2007 13:34
Just don't agree to do it for Canadian Tire money. It looks similar...beware!
Posted by Susan Clarke | October 22, 2007 2:28 PM
Posted on October 22, 2007 14:28
have you ever been to Calgary? It, too, is full of amazingly nice people (& oil money). And is pricier than you'd expect a small city like that to be.
A totally charming place though, if we Americans can afford it :).
Posted by John Whiteside | October 22, 2007 2:30 PM
Posted on October 22, 2007 14:30
Well, Steve, I'm glad I didn't wear mascara today. Halfway through your post (I'm a little slow), I could see where you were headed and I knew I was gonna laugh big time.
Quelle surprise about the dollar, eh? First time in 30 years the loonie has soared above the greenback.
Hey, it works against us in Canada too. Imagine yourself last July, quoting on a contract for a U.S. client. You quoted in U.S. dollars, figuring that the money would be worth about 15% more. Now you are invoicing them. Ouch, it hurts.
Posted by Donna Papacosta | October 22, 2007 3:25 PM
Posted on October 22, 2007 15:25
Hey, Donna!
Is it really called the Loonie? I never heard that before. You Canadians are a strange lot. Very funny and sarcastic and weird. I love you all.
Steve C.
Posted by Steve C. | October 22, 2007 3:48 PM
Posted on October 22, 2007 15:48
Hey Steve!
Just so's you know, if you ever do get up to Toronto for dinner with Don, you better believe I'll be crashing that party. Hell, assuming I still have a job at that point, I'll even buy the wine!
Oh, and the "loonie"? It's called that because our one dollar coin (yep, I said coin - we haven't had one dollar bills in years for the info of you Yankees who haven't been North lately) has a picture of a loon (that's the bird - not the crazy person) on it.
Everything all clear now? Terrific! So, we'll hope to see you back in Canada really soon, okay?
Posted by Kristen | October 22, 2007 4:48 PM
Posted on October 22, 2007 16:48
As always, very funny Steve! I totally saw where that was going and was yelling at the screen, with "Stop! No! Don't order the venison!"
I spent my college years and first part of my career in Edmonton, and remember it fondly. Having been in Vancouver for the last 15 years or so, it's nice to see the price of real estate in Edmonton catching up.
Come to Vancouver, where a million bucks will buy you a nice little condo (if you can find one and outbid the other buyers) but the martinis are STILL only eight bucks. Go figure.
Posted by Tonya F | October 22, 2007 5:55 PM
Posted on October 22, 2007 17:55
The loonie is great--but the "twonie" is even better, don't you think? That would be their $2 coin, which I think looks cool. I especially thought that on my wedding day--yes, we eloped to the Yukon, and got married on this incredible hill overlooking the Yukon River, Dawson City, and the endless mountains on every side. Then did what any self-respecting Alaskan would do in a gambling town: grabbed a slice of pizza at Diamond Tooth Gertie's, settled down with the bottle of champagne the house provided when they learned of our wedding, and while my new spouse played a poker tournament, I drank that whole bottle of champagne while playing nickel slots (which I totally don't get--what exactly IS the combination that wins? Whatever it is, I was hitting it, and thought it was absolutely hysterical that I'd press that button and it would tell me I won money).
So yes, loonies and twonies and probably my favorite place in the world: the Yukon, Alaska's twin sister separated at birth.
I love Canada.
...Joan, back in Alaska, pining for the Yukon.
Posted by Joan | October 22, 2007 6:37 PM
Posted on October 22, 2007 18:37
Oh, honey, I feel your pain. I live in Maine, and you can barely walk to your car without evasive maneuvers on 80 or 90 Canadians in the parking lots right now.
Not that there's anything wrong with that, eh? And the tax money helps my beleaguered state.
But MADRON, it's hard enough to get to the TJ Maxx checkout without being hip-checked by French-speaking visitors every step of the way. My best wishes for the Loonie. Seriously.
Posted by Meredith | October 22, 2007 7:49 PM
Posted on October 22, 2007 19:49
>>The loonie is great--but the "twonie" is even better, don't you think?
For about ten years, up until about a year ago I ran a hunting/fishing club that had a cabin (actually a rented house) in Mitchell's Bay, Ontario. The locals called the twonie a "bear back" because of the picture of a polar bear on the back of the coin opposite that of the Queen. Never heard that term used anywhere else in Canada.
Posted by Craig Jolley | October 22, 2007 10:11 PM
Posted on October 22, 2007 22:11
The $2 coin was introduced well after "loonie" was established, so I was disappointed when the $2 coin was not called the doubloon.
Posted by Tim Hicks | October 23, 2007 11:07 AM
Posted on October 23, 2007 11:07
Hey Steve my American friend - I'm pretty sure it was day one when I warned you about the exchange. How could it take three days to sink in? Maybe you don't want to answer that. And did I really end the sentence with "eh"?
Gotta go - off to Florida to buy some really cheap housing with Alberta oil-bucks. Might just sell my modest bungalow here and buy all of Daytona Beach.
Gotta love that Bush guy.
Posted by Barrie | October 23, 2007 4:13 PM
Posted on October 23, 2007 16:13
Hey Steve,
It was an absolute pleasure having you here in our little town of Edmonton. You were great to work with. I really hope to catch your week-long stretch of entertainment/information when you're up next.
The "nice" IT person. ;)
Posted by Chelle | October 23, 2007 4:23 PM
Posted on October 23, 2007 16:23
Tim - O my! You crack me up! I laughed for 10 minutes over that "doubloon" comment. Brilliant, just brilliant! The Feds really should have come to you for marketing help on that!!
Posted by Kristen | October 23, 2007 4:55 PM
Posted on October 23, 2007 16:55
My man Barrie!
It had to be at least day two . . . there were two meals involved before you educated me!
And yes, I seem to remember that you did end it with eh? But maybe not. Anyway . . . it was great hanging out up there. We got a group to go to Martini's on Friday night for a few.
What a great week. Thanks for all the hospitality and all, eh?
Steve
Posted by Steve C. | October 23, 2007 8:22 PM
Posted on October 23, 2007 20:22
The "doubloon" name is simply awe inspiring. That is absolutley freaking AWESOME, and how I will refer to it from this point forward. Of course, its been about 20 years since I was *in* Canada, but I dont care. I love that so much I want to go up there just to say it.
It is shameful that most Americans whining about oil and such issues have no idea that yes, Canada is America's number 1 source of imported oil, with Mexico right up there as #2 or 3.
Here's a fun "Americans don't know geography" question for you: You are located in Reno Nevada, and need to travel to Los Angeles, California. In what 2 compass directions (N,E,S,W) would you need to travel to get there?
-Neruda
Posted by Neruda | October 24, 2007 11:53 AM
Posted on October 24, 2007 11:53
The "doubloon" name is simply awe inspiring. That is absolutley freaking AWESOME, and how I will refer to it from this point forward. Of course, its been about 20 years since I was *in* Canada, but I dont care. I love that so much I want to go up there just to say it.
It is shameful that most Americans whining about oil and such issues have no idea that yes, Canada is America's number 1 source of imported oil, with Mexico right up there as #2 or 3.
Here's a fun "Americans don't know geography" question for you: You are located in Reno Nevada, and need to travel to Los Angeles, California. In what 2 compass directions (N,E,S,W) would you need to travel to get there?
-Neruda
Posted by Neruda | October 24, 2007 11:57 AM
Posted on October 24, 2007 11:57
Cheers, Steve. Met you in Dallas a couple weeks back. Glad to hear our economic strength hasn't affected our awkward politeness.
1) Here's the thing with the dollar. Up until about a month ago when $1CDN = $1US, a lot of us Canucks hadn't clued in to how much or how fast our dollar had risen.
After all, just 4 years ago, one loonie was worth just 64 American cents. (e.g. a Wendy's 99-cent value item in US cost us around $1.40 -- yikes).
Now that our dollar's worth more than the US$, we're going across the border in droves to buy your stuff b/c not only is our dollar worth more, identical US retail items on average are priced 24% cheaper than in Canada (b/c Canada has import tariffs, French translation on packaging, shipping costs, etc). Who wouldn't drive across the border for a permanent 25% discount on an iPod, used car, etc?
2) You're right, Alberta's an oil-hot economy, but unless you bought a house 3 years ago, it's a tough place to afford to live. In Calgary where I am, the AVERAGE price for a single family house now costs half a million bucks. And we're talking a normal bungalow or 2-storey. That's double from 3 years ago.
3) The downside of a hot economy with well-paying jobs is that there's no one left to work the McJobs. We have to drive by the Blockbuster first to see if they're OPEN; often they can't find enough workers for a shift. I was at Burger King with my kids at 6:30 p.m. when this wild-eyed manager looked at the lineup and yelled, "Scotty, lock the doors, we're not taking anyone else but drive-thru!" and sure enough they just locked the doors while we were in line.
Strange world up here right now.
Posted by Kevin | October 24, 2007 12:58 PM
Posted on October 24, 2007 12:58
Hey, Chelle:
YOU were pleasant to work with!!! It's people like you who are going to make me retire all my IT people jokes. Thanks for your help . . . I wish you could have been in one of the sessions. You'd probably help keep things lively. Next time I'm up there, we need to have some drinks.
Please tell the other tall menacing IT guy that I'm sorry I downloaded software onto the training room computer without asking. I thought he was going to rip my eyeball out and say something like, "Oh, should I have asked you before I ripped your eyeball out? Oh, well maybe you should have asked someone before you started downloading software from the internet that could crash our whole fucking system, eh?"
Seriously, thanks for all your help. I hope to get back up there again, this time with a little wiggle room for some fun! I want to go to Banf!
Kevin . . . . that is too funny. Obviously, you find the McJobs people by paying obscene amounts of money, and then charge the customers seven dollars for a Burger King hamburger. What other way is there?
Steve C.
Posted by Steve C. | October 24, 2007 6:55 PM
Posted on October 24, 2007 18:55
My Gram said to save Banf for last because nothing else will ever compair to it.
Posted by AN | October 25, 2007 9:39 AM
Posted on October 25, 2007 09:39
Okay Steve - just 'cause I don't want to see you getting beat up..I am, after all, getting the sense that you're half-ass okay, even if you are from Chicago - Banff has two f's. Just like your idol Hillary Duff. I know, I know - you're about to tell me to screw of.
Posted by Barrie | October 25, 2007 11:06 AM
Posted on October 25, 2007 11:06
At least you didn't try to pay for everything in American Greenbacks. As a dual US/Canadian citizen, I've observed that there's nothing that pisses off Canadians more!
As far as parity goes, i think things will be back to normal soon. In the meantime, I suggest you try to find work domestically. Me? I'll be going down to disneyland.
Posted by Russ | October 29, 2007 6:15 PM
Posted on October 29, 2007 18:15