This is where being the communicator can help. I carry my camera so that instead of standing there picking my nose, I can look like I'm lining up shots, gauging the light, etc. Sometime I take a picture and someone makes a comment like "I hope you got my good side" and then I can cluster-butt.

Doesn't work quite as when now that I'm no longer the entry-level goober writing for the newsletter.

(I totally froze at the Ragan Recognition Awards reception in 2006. I should have come over to talk to you, Steve.)

Susan . . . . ah, the props! I remember them well. When I was just starting out in this field, I'd have to go cover the IABC International Conference.

I knew nobody, and nobody knew me, and I was just a scared little kid. But I had my reporter's notebook and my tape recorder!! So when I butted in, I wasn't trying to network . . .I was just interviewing people! That somehow made it better.

You SHOULD have come up to me. Let's have a pact that if one of us sees the other talking to a wallet, or a purse, or a even a dingleberry, we'll save each other.

That should go for anyone who reads this blog.

Steve C.

You know when you're walking alone down a sidewalk, hallway, etc. that is long enough to see someone approaching from far away? And you see someone that you know but don't want to talk to? And you have to walk what seems like miles with that person in your direct vision?

I've done similar things in situations like that. Not even actually calling someone on my phone but taking my phone out as if it rang and pretending to talk to someone. I don't think I'd be able to pull off the wallet trick though...my "George Costanza" wallet would look like a cell phone circa 1992.

I've been in that situation before, but I think I'm one of those weird types like Mark Ragan who LIKES that stuff and thrives off talking to people I don't know.

My husband (the complete opposite of me, an IT guy who would be fine if he never talked to anyone again ever) is always amazed by my ability to make friends and talk to ANYONE around me. I've chatted people up while waiting in line for the ladies room, during an exercise class, standing on the subway platform, and yes, even at receptions where you don't know anyone.

In fact, at one of your seminars a couple years ago, I made "friends" with three or four people I met during a cocktail hour and have stayed in touch with them ever since, both personally and professionally.

I do recognize that I'm not normal in this regard and most people would rather not throw their cohones out there and just start talking to someone. I figure the worst thing that can happen is they don't want to talk to me. In which case I'll just try someone else.

Kevin:

The only reason I could pull the wallet trick off is because I lose my wallet, on average about once a month. So it never gets jammed with receipts and such. It looks like a sleek, leather, little Motorola Q phone.

Lauren . . . I'm that way too! And so is Cindy. We talk to everybody. There are about 20 restaurants in town where we've gotten to know the wait staff and bartenders so well that they sit down with us and drink with us. I talk to bus drivers and cabbies and bookstore clerks.

The only time I guess I don't talk is when I'm forced to: either in one of those networking things, or by some clown in the airport who is cutting into my reading/iPod time.

Steve C.

Oh-my-god!! I am SOOO happy to know that a) I'm not the only one who has this weird-bizarre-counter-inititive-to-my-job condition, and b)Cindy and I have something in common - Cool!

I'm even more of a chicken than you or Cindy, because when I go to an IABC seminar or something (and I only go to the ones that have a speaker or a learning topic, NEVER the ones that are just for networking, Ugh!) I intentionally show up about 5 minutes before the speaker is scheduled to start so I am "too late, darn!" for the networking portion.

The first time I met you in person was at the Advanced Writing & Editing course you, Mark & Jim did here in Toronto, and I was totally stressing as I got off the elevator. Thank God, you recognized my name from the Lee-press-on-nametag, and gave me a big hug. After that I was cool, because I got to walk in already knowing one of the presenters, [insert huge sigh of relief here] and didn't have to cluster-butt.

The really odd thing about this, is that I am perfectly fine about introducing myself to people or starting conversations with people I don't know if it's a business situation, not even a drop of flop sweat then.

It's only in these horrid "pseudo-social" industry things that I would rather poke out my eyes with sharp sticks than "cluster-butt" I feel soooo much better knowing I'm not alone!

Of all the articles and blog posts you've written, this one hit home the most. I just hate taking that kind of painfully awkward conversational plunge. I also hate its sister feeling of finally taking the plunge, only to realize I have zero in common with the group I've decided to join.

I'm always surprised that it is assumed communicators are supposed to excel at both written and verbal communication. They seem like two completely different animals to me, requiring very different skills. (Anyone who's been to journalism school and seen the print students and the broadcast students will know exactly what I'm talking about.) Yet in reading the blogs and posts of fellow communicators at myragan.com, it seems that many communicators feel just as at home writing an article as they do speaking to large groups. Does anyone else out there feel the tension of having to be both of these people - one solitary, one social - at once?

Steve,

What you described is so where I was at the Ragan Web Content Management Conference cocktail party. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

I did come to the conference alone. I didn’t have trouble at random tables just talking about my job and networking at the conference during the day, but the cocktail party was murder.

I didn’t recognize anybody from any part of the seminar, except you. And I was afraid to join your conversation, because I thought you might think I was a crazed fan or something. I had complimented you earlier while you were preparing for the lunch seminar on the Good the Bad and the Electronically Ugly, telling you how you set the bar high for communicators at the conference. Your pre-seminar was the first contact I had with Ragan, and the other speakers paled in comparison. He’s going to call Cindy and tell her that some weird red-head thinks he’s some kind of high-bar setter and is stalking him, I thought. I’m neurotic on top of being a bad networker.

Instead, I just sat there holding a drink, eyes glazed, smiling and nodding in the general direction of far off conversations like I was on Thorzine or something.

Eventually, I was afraid that I looked like I wanted to be picked up, standing there alone smiling and drinking for so long. So I ended up doing what Cindy said you’d do. I went to the bar, bought two drinks (feigning the presence of a wallflower roommate who also wanted one), and headed back to enjoy the solitude.

You faked a wallet call. I faked a shy roommate.

Funny, isn’t it? Everybody thinks that everyone else is looking at or thinking about them, but everyone is really only thinking of themselves. And we are all thinking the same thing.

Now I know better. I’m going to make an effort to be a butter-inner.

Thanks,

Lynetta

I hate, hate, hate walking into a room where I know no one - or gazing madly about trying to find a familiar face. I'd rather stay in my hotel room and order room service than go through that.

The first night before a conference or training session is usually the worst because no one has met yet. The second night - different story, you're bound to have met someone who'd enjoy chatting with during the cocktail hour or sit with for dinner. But I think it's cruel and unusual punishment to schedule a meet and greet the night before an event.

The exception for me will be Ragan's Corp Comm Conf. in May. Thanks to all the virtual networking I've been doing on MyRagan - I have lots of friends - you included, of course, Steve - that I'm eager to connect with when I hit town.

Steve has it all wrong about me. Typical.

I feel just as awkward as anyone else about butting into conversations or approaching someone I don't know.

Funny, I was just talking about this with Yolanda Maggi at our Speechwriters Conference last night.

I do it because it's my job, not because it's easy. Our conferences afford me the only opportunity I have to meet dozens of Ragan customers. So I line up at the start line (around 8 a.m. at a typical conference) and work the room as hard as I can.

Here's what I have found: That once you wade into the crowd and leave your jitters behind, you learn so much about your market, your customers and your company.

The difficult part is BEGINNING. Once you start, it's easy.

Valarie wrote: "I'm always surprised that it is assumed communicators are supposed to excel at both written and verbal communication. They seem like two completely different animals to me, requiring very different skills."

I totally agree Valarie. Writing is 80% of my job, and I'm MUCh more comfortable writing a column, or a blog entry, or a comment than I am talking in person. And the phone? Hate it. I like the comfort of being able to edit myself, re-word things, etc. And you're right, many writers are introverted, yet they are "communicators" so everyone assumes they want to chat the night away with strangers.

Lynetta:

You should have come up again!!!! Next time, know that you can always butt into one of my groups. If I remember, I was standing with Mary and Aidan from the IRS, and Michael Clendendin, and some others, and we had some fun. Next time . . . .

Mark: Well, you LOOK like you're enjoying it. And you're good at it. So that's why I thought you probably liked it.

Valarie and Eileen: That is a really interesting thought; you're so right . . . speaking and writing are completely different animals. Different skill sets. Different ways of making your brain work.

Writing is so solitary, and speaking/networking is so not . . . it's not fair to assume that we have both. We don't expect our accountants to lead town hall meetings, and we don't expect our IT folks to host brown bag lunches.

And yet . . . especially with social media tools, I'm finding that communicators--those solitary loner writers--are being forced to get "out in front of the microphone" more.

It's going to be interesting in the next couple of years . . . .

On a different note: I just bought and started reading Christopher Hitchins' book "God is not Great; How religion poisons everything."

And I'm not kidding: I only got to the second chapter when I was struck down by the most vicious flu I've ever had. I was burning up, laying in my bed with ice packs on my head and chest . . . then I was freezing cold, shivering so bad I thought I was going to pull a muscle.

Now, my throat is killing me, and every time I cough, which is a lot, it feels like someone is splitting my head open with an ax.

I've got some sort of God damned Biblical plague!!!!

Steve C.

I've been the lone guy with the pool of cold sweat in the small of my back, and I've been part of the laughing group. In the latter situation, I've sometimes just watched the group dynamic. Conclusion: there is an easy solution and we all suck at doing it. It is this: IF SOMEONE JOINS YOUR GROUP, MAKE AN EFFORT TO INCLUDE HIM/HER. That should be rule 1 at a conference or any other room full of strangers.If you want to have a private talk, leave the room.

The only thing worse than butting into an established group is when you finally DO it and they ignore you.

Okay, so now that we all realize how hard it is, what can Ragan do at these socials to break the ice? Hold hands and sing Kumbaya? Is it Ragan's job at all, or is it just the harsh reality of mixers in a business setting?

Just wondering what everyone thinks.

Tim H:

I couldn't agree more . . . when I walk into one of those cocktail parties, I know it's going to be a cluster you know what. I never plan to have a conversation with a client, or with a Ragan person, or with a friend.

And I actually DO, if I see a loner who needs help, wave them over. Every time. If everyone would do it, problem solved.

Eileen: I think Ragan has gone a long way toward solving the problem with myragan.com . . . so many people are going to come to these events having "met" someone online . . . and maybe even having set a meeting at the cocktail party.

Nobody has to be alone ever again!!!!

Does anyone have a cure for biblical plagues?

Steve C.

I think it is also a part of the email generation - it is far easier to communicate behind a keyboard than face to face. Maybe we need a reminder on how to talk to people to their face??

Steve---you know the drill: 3 hail Marys and some self-flagellation (the kind with a little whip, you perv).

* what can Ragan do at these socials to break the ice? Hold hands and sing Kumbaya? *

Eileen, I'm not sure we're qualified. I'll add myself to the list of Ragan people who are paralyzed in a networking situation. I wake up in cold sweats the night before an IABC networking lunch I have to attend.

I don't think it has anything to do with communication: I can write clearly, speak in public (in your choice of two languages, no less), be a lector in church, perform on stage...but small talk terrifies me. The intrusiveness of it all terrifies me.

Mark says beginning is hard, but once you're doing it, it's easy. He forgets: he's the closest thing to a celebrity in the room, so our customers want to meet him. Same for Steve: he's home-free in a room of communicators who will seek him out.

It's not so easy for the rest of us.

* what can Ragan do at these socials to break the ice? Hold hands and sing Kumbaya? *

Eileen, I'm not sure we're qualified. I'll add myself to the list of Ragan people who are paralyzed in a networking situation. I wake up in cold sweats the night before an IABC networking lunch I have to attend.

I don't think it has anything to do with communication: I can write clearly, speak in public (in your choice of two languages, no less), be a lector in church, perform on stage...but small talk terrifies me. The intrusiveness of it all terrifies me.

Mark says beginning is hard, but once you're doing it, it's easy. He forgets: he's the closest thing to a celebrity in the room, so our customers want to meet him. Same for Steve: he's home-free in a room of communicators who will seek him out.

It's not so easy for the rest of us.

Couple of thoughts. I read God is Not Great. And I didnt die. But I also didnt enjoy it all that much...its a pretty tough read and you REALLY need to be into the subject I think.

I have a simple policy about networking and small talk. I just don't do it. I'm not in a position like Mark R or Steve where I have to - I guess I probably *should* for the career and all - but since I *can* skip it, I do. Life's too short. Need to spend more time doing things I enjoy, and less time doing obligatory things.

For instance, I always skipped out on all the after hours cocktail parties at the Ragan CCCs i've attended. Not that you are not nice people, but you're in Vegas.... hmmmm..... talk shop, or go see Penn & Teller and gamble? A man's gotta have priorities.

I suppose this makes me a bit antisocial and hey, i'm OK with that.

Neruda:

It IS a tough read . . . . I don't think he's a very accessible writer, or even a very good one. But he's wicked smart, and bang on with most of what he says.

You didn't get the boils? Must be a coincidence. If I was attending a conference in Vegas, and not speaking, not doing anything but going to sessions . . . you wouldn't find me anywhere near the networking reception. Unless the networking reception was taking place next to the craps tables.

Steve C.

See, now there's a thought. If it was next to the craps table, it'd be a lot easier to strike up a conversation about that.

If there's a bar, I usually begin by hanging out nearby. People coming up to the bar tend to have dis-engaged from their conversations and are therefor more approachable. And if that doesn't work, at least I'm close to the beer.

Kasia - I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but now that you are blogging, your celebrity is on the rise, and I suggest that you should expect people to start coming up to you too at future Ragan events.

Why, your post on the banning of poor Santa's "Ho Ho Ho-ing" alone is enough to make you a celebrity in MY book!

Speaking for myself, I will definitely be searching you out at the CCC in May to shake your hand for standing up for "Ho's"!! See you then.

I think for me (and I’m not put into this type of situation very often) is just my lack of involvement or interaction these days with anyone at all. I think you may have touch on this subject a little bit in one of your posts about not using the phone anymore and emailing whenever possible. That’s me in a nut shell, I email and text and rarely talk to anyone outside my family. I don’t talk to neighbors nor do I have friends, I shop on-line I subscribe to Netflix and the only time I do go out, it becomes a little nerve racking for me. I shop for groceries and head to the liquor store for wine and scotch and go to a few restaurants around here but other than that it’s me and my wife. (No liquor in groceries stores in TN) God forbid I have to take the car in to the shop or attend any kind of social event.

Steve NC is right in my backyard, we could have hooked up even is it was just a drink or 10.

Neruda,
Penn and Teller are Awesome! Have you seen there Showtime series “Bull Shit”?

Steve, a big hit of some good sensimilian would do wonders for what ails you.

AN

I thought about you when I was down there . . . but not until it was too late to try and hook up. I am such a geographical moron, I had NO IDEA that Tennessee and North Carolina were so close.

The only clue I had was when I was sitting at this beautiful hotel bar, with a roaring fire, and people sitting all over the place in rocking chairs, not talking, just sitting and rocking . . . and I see some mountains out the window, and I ask the bartender:

"What are those?"

And he says: "The Smoky Mountains."

Only then did I realize I was right next to Tennessee.

Steve C.

This post made me laugh so hard because it rang so true! I love to talk and meet new people but I HATE small talk so finding a way to engage in these kids of settings is extremely hard for me. I tend to want to ask things like," SO, what kinds of feelings did this event evoke in you?". I guess that's why I'm in the mental health field. It would be great to be a journalist and then it would be my job to interview folks! Your wife is a sharp cookie! Thanks.

So, aside from me and the charming Mark Ragan, no one likes to talk to each other at these things? Well, the answer is obvious, then. Find someone who seems even less comfortable than you are (someone furiously texting a wallet or eyeglass case) and GO TALK TO HIM OR HER. Seriously, nobody loves being thrust into a room full of people they don't know (except for Mark), so that means you have the advantage of knowing they're probably relieved when you come up to them.

Last week, I read how you had a hard time cluster-butting into conversations at networking events. Inspired by the taunts of your wife, I decided to throw caution to the wind and cluster butt at my husband's work party yesterday.

Preface: My hubby is a civil engineering grad student, so work, for him, is professors and other grad students as well as other civil engineers he used to work with at the Army.

So, we're at this party yesterday and several people were standing in a circle uncomfortably talking, but mostly picking at their plates. So I, thinking I'm helping my husband further his career, pick the alpha dog of the group and ask, "Dr. Biology, what is your area of expertise?"

I'll stop the story here to say this: NEVER ask a question unless you're absolutely sure you want to know the answer.

His reply, "Pheramones and the effects on worm sex."

Seriously? He gets paid for this?

Yes. He got funding to research the mating habits and courtship of worms that live in the ocean. And since I now know all about it, you get to share the pain. Turns out, the worms are pretty particular when it comes to the Horizontal Mambo. They don't listen to Barry White and open a bottle of chianti, but they must have a full moon and nice weather.

That's as much as I'll torture you. Please keep in mind this conversation was over dinner and as hard as it was to keep eating and not bust out laughing, I made it though.

So Steve, you now have a story to use when those uncomfortable situations arise and you find yourself the center of attention in a group of strangers. Martini in hand, jump in and say, "Anyone interested in worm sex?"

Rebecca:

I used to say that before I even heard your story!

Oh, my. I thought we communicators had it tough. How do you network and make small talk with someone like THAT????????

I'm going to remember the worm dude the next time I start feeling sorry for myself at a networking function.

Steve C.

Steve, remember the conference that was taking place next door to Web Content Management 2007? I believe it was a forum on gynecological surgery. Now _that_ makes for awkward small talk.

I'm sort of amazed to read this and the comments. I'm often kind of quiet in real social situations, but any kind of event networking I guess I'm like Mark Ragan. I'm there to make myself and my business known, so I swallow my pride and get on with it.

It makes me think I really need to write that book "Networking for the rest of us." I genuinely believe that one of the biggest flaws in coaching/consulting in general and communications coaching/consulting in particular is that it tends to be done by "naturals" who never have to come to grips with the issues that the rest of us face.

Mark Ragan: I think maybe you're good at cluster-butting because, as you say, it IS your job. You're the host of the party, and it's your job to make sure everyone's having a good time. The rest of us don't really have a job to do. I figured this out a while ago and started GIVING myself a job at these functions: to find someone who looks even more miserable than I feel and make THAT person feel more comfortable. It's funny how just doing that for one person is enough to loosen me up so that the rest of the cluster-butting is easy.

I have no trouble cluster-butting into conversations with complete strangers (at professional communication functions) but to Ragan's credit, having a bar available certainly helps the networking experience. It also helps that the GRAND MASTERS - Crescenzo, Ylisela and Mark Ragan are mixing and mingling and introducing folks to each other at these functions. Why are they the MASTERS? Anyone who can publicly admit that talking to people from the IRS is FUN is Numero Uno in my book! I love you Steve!

I love YOU Mary. Jim and I can't wait to get to work in The Big Easy!!

Jane: the profession needs more people like you . . . and you're right; it's always easy to find someone having a harder time than you, and helping that person out kills all the birds with one stone.

Steve C.

I just now read my way up from the bottom and noticed that Amy said my thing before I said it.

I never, um, thought of it as "killing all the birds with one stone," but there you go.

Steve, I was just laughing out loud and loudly, laughing out loud while picturing you answering your wallet. That is just classic!
At my most uncomfortable in a crowd, I pretended to see someone I knew through an open door and then, of course, walked through that open door and out of the room where I knew no one.
J

Jamie:

I did that once, and then there were people out there who I didn't want to talk to, so I fixed my eyes on something far off down the hallway of the hotel, nodded, waved, and took off on a trot down the hallway.

It was masterful.

Kiss little Juliet for me!!!

Steve C.

Jane - Just goes to show that like-minded people can come from both sides of the aisle. : ) - Amy

Jane - your idea of "giving yourself a job" is perfect! Both you and Amy have hit on the solution that might work for me. Many thanks!

I think it's clear that many of us don't like the networking component of our jobs ... and at some point we all just fake our way through it ....

and I also think that maybe it can be like a secret handshake at an event ... if you see someone, alone, over in the corner talking to their wallet ....go buy them a drink ...he or she is one of us!!!!

After enduring networking sessions at corporate events, I usually console myself as I toss and turn in the darkened hotel room, my pillow soggy with tears of frustration, by muttering at the ceiling that I didn't really want to hear their opinions of the weather anyway. Okay, that might be an exaggeration, but I really do have a difficult time keeping a straight face when the third or fourth person in a row asks, "How about them Giants?" or comments, "Yes, I don't remember ever going this many weeks without rain before -- it must be global warming!" Forgive me if it sounds like sour grapes, but I seldom find the light of a cluster luster bright enough to illuminate very much.

We were indeed standing together, and I'd just prior to that walked up to Cindy to introduce and chat. But I was completely lost at the start of that cocktail party and feeling like the only putz who didn't know someone. Now I know we were all putz's who didn't know anyone and the lovely lady at the table with two drinks didn't have a shy tablemate! So I'll be more courageous about butting into wallet-phone-calls, one-person-two-drink tables and corner-dingle-players.

Steve, I'd pray for you but the Big Guy upstairs and I don't have a great communications relationship -- more akin to my relationship with my kids in that I ask for something and get the opposite. So best of luck with the plague-thing!