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There was a very disturbing article in the Chicago Tribune yesterday.
It was titled: “Your personal assistant, half a world away.”
It seems that it’s becoming somewhat common practice for people in the U.S. who are too busy to tend to their own lives to hire personal assistants.
Now, there is nothing man bites dog about that, right?
Since the first executive at IBM first strapped on a tie and picked up a briefcase, harried titans of the corporate world have hired personal assistants to plan their travel, pick up their dry cleaning, send flowers to their spouses after they’ve screwed something up, and otherwise do the menial tasks they don’t want to do.
But there are two twists to the story:
1. First, it’s not just busy executives. It’s regular people. And, more importantly . . .
2. The personal assistants are in India.
Yes, that’s right, even personal assistants are being outsourced to India, where everything is cheaper and you get more bangalor for your buck.
Now, many of the tasks these people have their Indian personal assistants to do are mundane: Book travel, find lost luggage, create a PowerPoint presentation, etc. But some of the tasks that people are “outsourcing” to Indian personal assistants are disturbing, to say the least.
According to the article, the following tasks are all recent examples of the kinds of things people are asking their Indian personal assistants to do:
* “Calling clients’ friends and family to say “'happy birthday.'”
* “Searching online personals for matches.”
* “Reminding a client not to speed and paying parking fines.”
* “Apologizing and sending flowers to spouses on clients’ behalf.”
* “Buying underwear on behalf of the client.”
* “Reading bedtime stories to a young child on the phone.”
* “Talking to parents in client’s stead.”
* “Engaging the client’s spouse in hot, steamy phone sex when the client is too exhausted to participate in lovemaking activities."
Okay, I made that last one up. But only the last one! And is outsourcing dirty phone sex with your wife really any stranger than having your assistant read stories to your kid?
And I don’t even want to think about what would happen if my mom ever got a call from my personal assistant, Rajeeshi, enquiring about her health and well being.
I’m trying to imagine the scenario in the typical midwestern house, as a family gets ready for bed in this scary new world:
Scene: A mom and her eight-year-old daughter Tiffany are in bed, reading The Trumpet of the Swan.
Soccer Mommy: That’s it for now, sweetie. Mommy has to finish her PowerPoint presentation for tomorrow, make your lunch, finish the laundry, update her blog, listen to the Oprah podcast, check on my eBay auctions, and call in the Peapod food delivery order for next week.
Tiffany: But Mommy, you always read two chapters when Daddy isn’t here. One for you and one for Daddy, that’s what you always say.
Mommy: I know, honey. But there is too much to do tonight, and Daddy is with an important client and can’t even call to say good night. But guess what? Uncle Deepak from India is calling in five minutes! Uncle Deepak is going to read you a chapter and then tuck you into bed over the phone!
Tiffany: Uncle Deepak!! Yay!!! I love Uncle Deepak. Can he also help me with my spelling words?
Mommy: Of course he can!
Tiffany: And Mommy? Some of the older girls at school today were talking about getting something called their “period” and it sounded real scary. Can Uncle Deeprak help me understand that?
Mommy: Of course he can! That’s why Uncle Deepak is a part of the family!!
The phone rings. Mommy answers it. It is Deepak, the family’s personal assistant, calling from Bangalor.
Deepak: Good evenings! It is I, Deepak. Your loving husband wanted me to tell you that he says good night, and to say that he is very horny for you while he is on the road. Also, I have updated your MySpace page and found you 417 new online friends! Also, as you requested, I have spent many fine hours at the Victoria Secret Web site, and located you some sexy-time new underwear which will arrive tomorrow, in time for your majestic husband's glorious homecoming! I am also to called your mother for you. She wishes to nag you about working so hard, and I said you accepted such nagging with great respect and adoration. Now, please to put on Tiffany, so we can finish up the homework and get into the Swan’s Trumpet again!
Mommy: Thanks, Deepak . . . I don’t know what we’d do without you. Listen . . . I just want to warn you. Tiffany is at an age when she has some questions about . . . you know, boys and her body. Are you okay with that?
Deepak: Oh, yes, Mrs. Sahib. Deepak is very well versed in both the bees and the birds. I will help her to understand the miracles of the universe as they perpetrate to her body.
Mommy: Thank you, Deepak . . . I would do it myself, but Dr. Phil finally got that interview with Brittany Spears, and I’m just dying to watch the tape.
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Feels like Total Recall. Er, Philip K Dick?
Actually, with Steve's example it's a bit scary --- standing at the urinal...
Comments (13)
Steve - funny and politically incorrect as usual.
But how do we know that you didn't outsource this blog post to someone in Banglore?
Posted by RJ | February 6, 2008 2:19 PM
Posted on February 6, 2008 14:19
You don't know . . . do you?
Steve C.
Posted by Steve C. | February 6, 2008 2:58 PM
Posted on February 6, 2008 14:58
"Happy Day of Birth, Mike!" said Deepak
"Um...thanks...who the hell is this?" said Mike
"It is I, John Smith, your friend of long time" said Deepak
*click*
And John and Mike were friends no longer...
Posted by Kevin | February 6, 2008 3:56 PM
Posted on February 6, 2008 15:56
I first read about this outsourcing admin crap on The Ragan Report when it recommended the book "The 4-hour Work Week." I bought the book for the Mrs., since she is overworked (price of taking care of me) and, as an HR goddess, she is very into all the latest moving-the-cheese things.
After skimming through it, I reached this conclusion: The author only needs to work four hours a week because he makes millions selling these useless books to people like my wife. A third of the book is simply "inspirational" business quotes from others.
A sucker born ...
Posted by The Other Kevin | February 7, 2008 8:49 AM
Posted on February 7, 2008 08:49
I'm currently in India on assignment, our 6th trip here in 4 years. As always, I'm terrifically impressed with their abilities, work ethic and sense of humor. Steve, they would find your stuff very funny. More importantly, they BELIEVE their time has come. Believe me when I say the Indians are gonna have the last laugh on Americans. If the Chinese don't beat them to it. And that's no joke.
Posted by suzanne salvo | February 9, 2008 2:41 AM
Posted on February 9, 2008 02:41
This article ran today (2/10) in our local newspaper. (Apparently there isn't enough news in the country's fifth largest city to fill an entire newspaper so it has to use syndicated articles from other newspapers to fill the edition - but that's another story entirely.) Anyway, I couldn't get through the whole article because I kept thinking about Deepak and the delegated birds and bees discussion.
Posted by Colleen (the soaring one) | February 10, 2008 5:53 PM
Posted on February 10, 2008 17:53
Hey, Suzanne!!
My, my. You certainly do get around, don't you? I agree: Here comes India and China, and god (or John McCain) help the next generation or two. I'm trying to figure out which profession my eight-year-old son can go into that will be safe from outsourcing/offshoring, and that will be relevant in a global economy with few borders. Any suggestions? I'm thinking globe-trotting photographer/journalist . . . will you take him in as your apprentice if he has any skills?
Colleen . . . the Phoenix Sun runs week-old stories rehashed from other newspapers? Aren't you the fastest growing city in the country, or something like that? Who's running that paper, a former corporate communicator used to being about a month behind the news?
Steve C.
Posted by Steve C. | February 11, 2008 7:40 AM
Posted on February 11, 2008 07:40
The newspaper is part of the Gannett empire.
And yes, we are one of the fastest growing areas in the country. Go figure.
Posted by Colleen (the soaring one) | February 11, 2008 4:30 PM
Posted on February 11, 2008 16:30
You're one of the few people who can make me spit my coffee across the room from laughing so hard - and yes, on occasion through my nose, too. But on a more serious note. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE???? Paying someone to read stories to your children? One of the sweetest pleasures of parenthood, given to someone else to do like a chore equal to cleaning the toilet.
Now I'm REALLY depressed...
Posted by Terry McKenzie | February 12, 2008 1:45 PM
Posted on February 12, 2008 13:45
Hi Steve,
Though I have never posted any comments on your blog, I am really tempted to do so today and I really wish I did not have to begin with you on this note. Well, I am a communication professional in your favourite place on the Globe - Bangalore, India.
First things first - we dont speak the cab driver English your 'Uncle Deepak' is so conversant with. We can speak proper English - even better than some Americans - we were ruled by the English for over 200 years remember?
Secondly, I agree, outsourcing 'phone services' for your wife can be scary! But then you are not aware of how many Indians log on to - and pay for the use of- many US porn sites. I can empathise with your vision of what-if-my-blog-is-outsourced. It is the simplest law of economics at work - demand versus supply. Blame it on the money you make compared to some of the not so developed countries in the world buddy.
By the way - I still like your blog.
Posted by Aanandita | February 13, 2008 4:06 AM
Posted on February 13, 2008 04:06
Hello, Aanandita! Thanks for commenting from halfway around the world!
You wrote:
>>>>We can speak proper English - even better than some Americans - we were ruled by the English for over 200 years remember?
That explains it! Those Brits can't speak English either!!
Ha ha . . just kidding. I didn't meant to offend. I'm sure you are correct, and would love to visit India to see for myself. I was trying to be funny and basing it off of my own personal experiences.
Back before I switched off the PC to a Mac, and was constantly in need of tech support, Cindy and/or I (mostly Cindy, because she has the patience of of a social worker and I have the patience of a cat that has just been scalded with hot water) would call tech support . . . and spend hours trying to get the problem fixed, and many of the times it was nearly impossible to understand the people on the other end of the phone . . . who I assumed was in India.
But I'm sure you're right . . . and thanks for reading the blog and not firing me over this one.
Steve C.
Posted by Steve C. | February 13, 2008 9:16 AM
Posted on February 13, 2008 09:16
Steve C
Hilarious. Except I doubt any of your parody is "fiction".
It gonna happen and its only matter of time.
Posted by Mukund Mohan | February 21, 2008 12:28 PM
Posted on February 21, 2008 12:28
I've been doing some research on this topic for quite a while now. Loved your piece.
Posted by Nathan Welzenbach | June 30, 2008 4:17 PM
Posted on June 30, 2008 16:17