I ran into an interesting story in an employee publication yesterday. I sort of had to rub my eyes to make sure I wasn’t seeing things. Here was the headline:
Can you haiku? Vent your technology frustrations with a verse
That’s right . . . the editor was asking readers to take time out from work to write haikus about the struggles with technology—using the standard 5-7-5 syllables-per-verse haiku formula.
She even gives them an example! Here it is:
No, say it's not so
Frozen words on screen, help me
The day’s work, hanging.
Of course, the problem with running these sorts of contests inside organizations is that you’re not going to get any really edgy haikus. Everybody will be polite and safe and . . . well, boring.
For example, you’re not going to get anything like this:
Mister I.T. Man
Trousers soaked dark with urine
Won’t answer my calls
And you’re not going to get anything interesting like this:
IT Department
Steaming sinkhole of liars
It’s not the bandwidth
But I sort of like the idea of writing haikus about corporate topics . . . so I thought maybe we could have a contest out here on Corporate Hallucinations. Anyone who submits a haiku on any corporate, government, or organizational topic will go into a drawing for a free registration to this year’s Corporate Communicator’s Conference!
Just remember to stick to the 5-7-5 syllable format for haikus.
And you don’t have to write about IT or technology. You can do any topic, and any department. For example, you might want to do HR:
Human Resources
Why do they hate all humans?
They don’t talk normal
Or maybe accounting:
Bean counters count beans
They don’t make any money
Where is their power?
Anything is fair game . . . so let’s have some fun! And I'll buy the winner seven drinks in Chicago at CCC.
Comments (139)
Seven drinks, Steve? omg. I have to try with a challenge like that. Let's see....
Issues driving change!
Profound culture shift ahead!
What a crock of shit
Can I submit more than one? I need to think on this...
Posted by Joan Hope | March 11, 2008 7:08 PM
Posted on March 11, 2008 19:08
Joan!
That was off the top of your head . . . excellent. Yes, for every poem one entry goes into the drawing. Ten entries, ten chances to win!!!
Thanks for starting us up!
Steve
Posted by Steve C. | March 11, 2008 7:41 PM
Posted on March 11, 2008 19:41
I pity Corporate Communicators. Bean counters rule!
Realize the truth.
Buy your accountant a drink.
Or you won’t get paid.
by Mrs. Goose (the CPA)
Posted by Mrs. Goose (and The Goose) | March 11, 2008 8:23 PM
Posted on March 11, 2008 20:23
Executive leaders.
Is it an oxymoron?
Worthless bobble heads.
Posted by The Goose | March 11, 2008 9:06 PM
Posted on March 11, 2008 21:06
I just learned to count so let's try this again.
Exec leadership.
Is it an oxymoron?
Worthless bobble heads.
Posted by The Goose | March 11, 2008 9:09 PM
Posted on March 11, 2008 21:09
Mrs. Goose . . . welcome to Corporate Hallucinations!!! It's wonderful to have you out here. So the Goose married a bean counter, huh? That explains some things.
And Goose: Your haiku is wonderful. The bobble head line is brilliant.
But your first line has six syllables. I'm afraid I'm going to have to disqualify you. I mean, if there are no rules, anarchy will follow and people will start doing limericks.
Please submit again.
Steve C.
Posted by Steve C. | March 11, 2008 9:11 PM
Posted on March 11, 2008 21:11
Who knew that a Goose could fly so fast? Our messages must have passed in cyberspace, Goose.
Your haiku is duly reinstated. Nice work. Very nice work.
Steve C.
Posted by Steve C. | March 11, 2008 10:19 PM
Posted on March 11, 2008 22:19
Okay, speaking of limericks, 27 years ago I was a young campus reporter who was sent to cover a bawdy limerick contest at a lounge on the Carleton University campus.
Swept up by the excitement of the event, I wrote a limerick on the spot and ended up winning the contest. Here it is:
There once was a hippie named Lola
Who covered her tits with granola
When she screwed she proclaimed,
"My love is whole-grained,
"And better than junk food and cola!"
I know this won't get me in the draw, but I've been looking for a place to share it.
Thanks, Steve!
Posted by Ron Shewchuk | March 12, 2008 12:06 AM
Posted on March 12, 2008 00:06
Ronnie:
The rules committee has convened a special hearing . . . . and agreed that your limerick is good enough to bend the rules and put you in the draw.
But everyone else should know that this is a one-time loophole. Unless, of course, someone writes a REALLY GOOD limerick about IT.
Steve C.
Posted by Steve C. | March 12, 2008 5:46 AM
Posted on March 12, 2008 05:46
Hey Steve...I may have to store up some serious creative energy for this one, but since I watched one of our VPs nearly implode during a "surprise" presentation about cuts to this year's merit raises the other day, I had to offer this:
Leaders digging graves
Employees ready to scream
Next time, let me help
Sigh. Shoulder shrug. Back to work. I'll be more flippant later!
-D
Posted by Don Lariviere | March 12, 2008 7:44 AM
Posted on March 12, 2008 07:44
I'm already coming to the CCC so I don't need to be put in the draw but I couldn't pass up the dare to do a limerick on IT:
There once was a group named IT
Who’s use not a person could see.
When users would shriek: “I am ready to shoot!”
From the goofs in IT they would get: “Just re-boot”
Good God, from tech geeks set me free!!
Hey. I never said it was a GOOD limerick on IT!
Posted by Kristen | March 12, 2008 7:53 AM
Posted on March 12, 2008 07:53
I hate poetry with the heat of a thousand suns... I think as part of my overall issues with pretentiousness. Now, I know thats being all generalizing and hateful, but I cant get the vision of black turtlenecks and poetry slams and "I'm more SENSITIVE than you!" out of my head. Yeah, I have issues. That said, I work with the guy who won a previous "go free" Steve C contest, so I gotta take a shot, right?
If the CCC were in Vegas, I'd be a Haiku-writing fool, but since is driving distance to me, I think one entry will have to do...
Communicate straight!
Often difficult, given
Far too many cooks.
-Neruda
Posted by Neruda | March 12, 2008 9:18 AM
Posted on March 12, 2008 09:18
Hard to concentrate.
I'd rather be in Vegas.
Drunk and playing craps.
Posted by Indy Chris | March 12, 2008 9:37 AM
Posted on March 12, 2008 09:37
Leadershits galore
Cutbacks and layoffs, now me
Need to win something
Posted by Lisa Hartford | March 12, 2008 9:46 AM
Posted on March 12, 2008 09:46
Neruda! Who knew? Give that man a beret to go with his black turtleneck.
Posted by Eileen | March 12, 2008 10:05 AM
Posted on March 12, 2008 10:05
Health Information,
Dark Souls of medical world.
They may be nazis.
I work in communications for a hospice. If I win I will have to explain how I won admittance to a conference on corporate communications by accusing our HI dept of being a bunch of nazis. (It's a valid argument though.)
Posted by Simon | March 12, 2008 10:31 AM
Posted on March 12, 2008 10:31
Okay, here's one dedicated to my IT co-workers:
Sticky honeypot
Supernet, pawn, pornado
Unfiltered geek speak
This is fun, Steve.
Posted by Joan Hope | March 12, 2008 11:30 AM
Posted on March 12, 2008 11:30
They say if you don't
Know a Michael Scott, you're him.
Hey, that's what she said.
Outside, lightning strikes
As I email the VP;
No! Out of office.
Posted by 2chey | March 12, 2008 12:40 PM
Posted on March 12, 2008 12:40
Another one near and dear to my heart...
Public Relations?
Workers are the public, too.
Tell them first or else.
Posted by The Goose | March 12, 2008 12:56 PM
Posted on March 12, 2008 12:56
And this one isn't related to work unless you work at White Castle, or they want to give me free food...
Hail to White Castle.
I crave your steam-grilled goodness.
Fries come in one size.
Who's hungry?
Posted by The Goose | March 12, 2008 1:00 PM
Posted on March 12, 2008 13:00
Recession hits hard
Unemployment skyrockets
The answer is pancakes
Posted by Chuck B | March 12, 2008 1:07 PM
Posted on March 12, 2008 13:07
Okay, here's my entries:
Writing for your job
Hardly understood, No props
Although pays the bills
We need IT, sure
But corp commers guess better
We should charge them, ha
Jack of all trades, we
Who needs IT or HR?
Corp Comm is the king
We should drink at lunch
Think of all the great ideas
Drink plus brainstorm, smart
Posted by Megan | March 12, 2008 1:32 PM
Posted on March 12, 2008 13:32
This is a haiku series to describe a day in the life.... I know I should be working, but I'd just so rather do this.
Time for a meeting
Time for another meeting!
Can we meet on that?
Send me an email
Make it short. Busy today.
All critical stuff
Tech support from Pune
You don't understand my words!
No, please, not on hold!
Need to take a nap
Coffee isn't quite enough
Time for a meeting!
Ragan wants writing
I want to write for Ragan
But I'm in meetings
Haiku time wasting
But this is so much better
Than what lies waiting
Steve C. cracks me up
Martini, bald guy, big smile
Let's go to the bar
There, I'll quit for awhile. I like your brain, Steve. This was a good idea.
Posted by Joan Hope | March 12, 2008 1:47 PM
Posted on March 12, 2008 13:47
Resistance futile.
Stevie C. requests haikus;
Like sheep we obey.
Time grinds to a halt
As I wait for approvals.
Does anyone care?
Daily miracle –
We feed the intranet beast
Two new tales each day
Sequential events
Should make for easy writing.
Why can’t you do it?
Writing dumb haikus –
Probably should be working
Or writing novels.
Crafting messages
From fat cats to the masses;
Hey, it’s a living.
Seems like it has been
Ages since Steve posted here.
All that time for this?
Posted by Greg Marsh | March 12, 2008 2:14 PM
Posted on March 12, 2008 14:14
Spawn of the devil
I don't dare break my hard drive
Tortue thus ensues
p.s. wish I was back in Vegas!
Posted by Stephanie Saltzberg | March 12, 2008 3:20 PM
Posted on March 12, 2008 15:20
Spawn of the devil
I don't dare break my hard drive
TORTURE thus ensues
p.s. it it time to go back to vegas?
Posted by Stephanie Saltzberg | March 12, 2008 3:22 PM
Posted on March 12, 2008 15:22
Those who have power
Can be creepy sometimes
Occupational hazard
Posted by Ron Shewchuk | March 12, 2008 3:38 PM
Posted on March 12, 2008 15:38
OK, Steve...everyone else's are SO much more creative, but I had to try some of my own:
Leader says, "Why tell?
Stick head in sand, no one know."
I beat head on desk.
or
One more approval,
Almost there--don't send to him!
Now I miss deadline.
That was fun...I should really haiku more often.
Posted by Sonya Georgeff | March 12, 2008 4:22 PM
Posted on March 12, 2008 16:22
This job is fucked up
Like Milton in Office Space
Burn it to the ground
Sarcastic bosses
Empty headed idiot
They make manager
I run the portal
The intranet is a joke
Does that make me one?
I bet mine would have been much more cheery had I done this first thing this morning. What a day..
Posted by Lisa | March 12, 2008 4:27 PM
Posted on March 12, 2008 16:27
Oh . . . . My . . . . God.
I just landed in DC to do the new Advanced Internal Communications seminar . . . I'm supposed to be meeting Jim Ylisela in the hotel bar to go over stuff . . . I'm late, but I couldn't stop reading.
These are brilliant. Rest assured, all of your creative juices will not have been shot in vain. I'm collecting these, and will do something great with them. Thank you all for making my day. I was laughing so hard I think I wet myself a little. I hope Jim doesn't notice . . . he'll use my own term (bedwetter) against me.
Keep em coming!!!!! I have a really funny DC story to tell, but I'm not going to post it until this thing runs out of gas.
Steve C.
Posted by Steve C. | March 12, 2008 4:55 PM
Posted on March 12, 2008 16:55
This is FUN!
I manage a corporate intranet. Here's mine:
Mailbox full again
intranet emergencies
no one has died yet
Posted by Carrie G | March 12, 2008 5:35 PM
Posted on March 12, 2008 17:35
OK, so maybe I have issues and 20 years is too long to edit newsletters, but here goes . . .
Sisyphean task:
Craft zippy messages from
Flotsam of windbags
Posted by Laurel | March 12, 2008 6:07 PM
Posted on March 12, 2008 18:07
Want to go to lunch?
I did that last month--I think
Or was it last year?
Posted by Joan Hope | March 12, 2008 6:45 PM
Posted on March 12, 2008 18:45
Productivity
Shot to hell. Thanks Crescenzo.
Must write new haiku.
Posted by The Goose | March 12, 2008 6:50 PM
Posted on March 12, 2008 18:50
Write about patches
Reboots, spam, secure passwords...
Creative writing?
Posted by Joan H. | March 12, 2008 6:51 PM
Posted on March 12, 2008 18:51
Good one, Goose! Same boat here... I'm liking it.
Posted by Joan H. | March 12, 2008 6:55 PM
Posted on March 12, 2008 18:55
Stupid intranet
Will anyone really miss
All the forms, forms, forms
That was kind of therapeutic!
Posted by Stephanie G | March 12, 2008 6:59 PM
Posted on March 12, 2008 18:59
OK, I'll bite. Here's my a quick effort before I go home...
IT, let us blog!
"NO! Not secure, staff abuse.
Stop trying new things."
Posted by Jim McCann | March 12, 2008 7:47 PM
Posted on March 12, 2008 19:47
Aw, I cannot count
This game is too difficult
Will try one more time ... darn.
Posted by Chuck B | March 12, 2008 8:29 PM
Posted on March 12, 2008 20:29
Ding, eyes are rolling
Another corporate message
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah
Posted by Stephanie G | March 12, 2008 8:41 PM
Posted on March 12, 2008 20:41
I don't think my corporate experience can fit a haiku. I might be willing to try a sonnet, though. A very bad one. Let me know.
Posted by Amy | March 12, 2008 8:52 PM
Posted on March 12, 2008 20:52
Ok, I lied. Here is my entry, motivated by my intense irk at those stupid and ENDLESS IT notifications that clog up my email and mean nothing to anyone:
Who gives a f*** if
Some server is down – just STOP
Spamming my in box
Posted by Amy | March 12, 2008 9:00 PM
Posted on March 12, 2008 21:00
More from real life:
Tell me what you need.
I’ll tell you who, how, where, when
But give me some time.
Stock photos? Never?
Better to run a cartoon.
Than smirking models.
A singular verb
Often follows plural noun
These are our leaders.
I need it Friday noon.
We can’t give you the text yet.
You can do this, right?
Newsletter proof, eh?
Big change. Didn’t we tell you?
Redo cover please.
Posted by Tim H | March 12, 2008 11:06 PM
Posted on March 12, 2008 23:06
Oops. 2nd last one above should read
Need it Friday noon.
We can’t give you the text yet.
You can do this, right?
Posted by Tim H | March 12, 2008 11:08 PM
Posted on March 12, 2008 23:08
Corporate lay off.
A life of Scotch and porno.
Help wanted, need help.
Posted by AN | March 13, 2008 5:36 AM
Posted on March 13, 2008 05:36
Shitty Outlook crashed
I’m off to see the wizard
IT geeks eat paste
Error 56?
Guess it’s time to call IT
Huh. They can’t fix it
Gygax died today
No more D&D for me
Mommy, tuck me in
Pocket protectors
Sweaty chairs and stinky breath
Jesus Christ, they suck
Computer Science
And a dose of Ritalin
You want fries with that?
We can’t get a date
We sniff our mothers’ panties
Bedwetters unite
Posted by Jason | March 13, 2008 6:44 AM
Posted on March 13, 2008 06:44
Shitty Outlook crashed
I’m off to see the wizard
IT geeks eat paste
Error 56?
Guess it’s time to call IT
Huh. They can’t fix it
Gygax died today
No more D&D for me
Mommy, tuck me in
Pocket protectors
Sweaty chairs and stinky breath
Jesus Christ, they suck
Computer Science
And a dose of Ritalin
You want fries with that?
We can’t get a date
We sniff our mothers’ panties
Bedwetters unite
Posted by Jason | March 13, 2008 6:44 AM
Posted on March 13, 2008 06:44
God damn internet
Double posted my entries
Sorry about that
Posted by Jason | March 13, 2008 6:46 AM
Posted on March 13, 2008 06:46
Thanks for the layoff
I was looking anyhow
The severance is sweet
It is ironic
Mister Corp-comm Director
You're illiterate
Management is blind
This house of cards is crumbling
Enjoy your bonus
The boss out of touch
Leverage the low-hanging fruit?
Time for "change" has passed
It's not bitterness
I give my all to mission
Indictment distract
Posted by Todd | March 13, 2008 9:06 AM
Posted on March 13, 2008 09:06
Some posters fucked up
Haiku is only one verse
Try again, losers
Posted by Will Daniel | March 13, 2008 9:10 AM
Posted on March 13, 2008 09:10
Mister colonel man
Who are you trying to shit
With that jargon talk?
Posted by Will Daniel | March 13, 2008 9:20 AM
Posted on March 13, 2008 09:20
Relax Will Daniel
Multi entries are quicker
Please flame some where else
Posted by Jason | March 13, 2008 10:12 AM
Posted on March 13, 2008 10:12
Protesting haiku
Spanning the course of a day?
Rules for pleasing Steve?
Read the verse combined
Or standing by themselves, Will
Silly picky man
:-P
btw, nice one, Jason (the double-posting one)--good save!
Posted by Joan H. | March 13, 2008 10:19 AM
Posted on March 13, 2008 10:19
Is this a nerd taste?
Is Steve pulling a fast one?
Must write more haikus.
Posted by The Goose | March 13, 2008 10:28 AM
Posted on March 13, 2008 10:28
addicting haikus
more interesting than work.
what does that tell you?
Posted by Jim McCann | March 13, 2008 10:45 AM
Posted on March 13, 2008 10:45
Will Steve publish these
And make a lot of money?
Book tour and Oprah
Posted by Jason | March 13, 2008 11:06 AM
Posted on March 13, 2008 11:06
Ahhh, I knew someone would misinterpret the "loser" word. Astute readers would automatically know I meant that in context of contest winners versus contest losers. No flamer here.
Will
Posted by Will Daniel | March 13, 2008 11:19 AM
Posted on March 13, 2008 11:19
Steve hates that Oprah.
He would never do HER show!
But book tour could rock.
Posted by Kristen | March 13, 2008 11:27 AM
Posted on March 13, 2008 11:27
Geez, Will, I was thinking that Steve would print these off, clip them into their individual pieces, and we'd get an entry for each one. Reading through them all, everybody's look like each one could stand on its own; some make a nice whole, but none is dependent on any of the others.
On the other hand, I don't really care so much about the prize anymore. This is just pure entertainment. What a lot of warped, creative minds we have out here! I'm loving it.
Posted by Joan H. | March 13, 2008 11:50 AM
Posted on March 13, 2008 11:50
Me too, Joan!
I'm teaching in DC right now, and my room is about seventeen miles from the seminar room . . . yet I'm racing back up here on the 10 minute breaks to check the haikus!!!
And I know Will Daniel, and I know that he is no flamer.
I would go on Oprah . . . but only if she promised me a chance to fight Dr. Phil.
Steve C.
Posted by Steve C. | March 13, 2008 12:09 PM
Posted on March 13, 2008 12:09
Time to get agent
Book, "The Corporate Haiku"
Will be best seller
Posted by Ron Shewchuk | March 13, 2008 12:18 PM
Posted on March 13, 2008 12:18
Steve C rocks our world
Learning, plus drinks, is awesome
Come to Texas soon!
Posted by Sonya Georgeff | March 13, 2008 1:11 PM
Posted on March 13, 2008 13:11
LEC, WOEF, LID-B, MOM,
ROI, SSL--please
No more TLAs!
Posted by Joan H. | March 13, 2008 1:21 PM
Posted on March 13, 2008 13:21
Blackberry addicts.
Can't put it down? Need excuse?
Just thumb exercise.
Posted by The Goose | March 13, 2008 2:37 PM
Posted on March 13, 2008 14:37
nerds with smallish brains
turnaround time is never
lacking social skills
UGH had to post another today.
Posted by Stephanie Saltzberg | March 13, 2008 3:00 PM
Posted on March 13, 2008 15:00
Seminar over
Time for a fat martini
Loving life right now
Posted by Steve C. | March 13, 2008 3:28 PM
Posted on March 13, 2008 15:28
Here I sit fretting.
The Goose has way too much time.
I'll never win this contest.
Posted by Indy Chris | March 13, 2008 3:59 PM
Posted on March 13, 2008 15:59
Thank you Crescenzo!
Work piles high while I sit here
Counting syllables
Posted by Aidan | March 13, 2008 4:56 PM
Posted on March 13, 2008 16:56
Like Aidan I toil
At the poetry I scorn
Hoping to please Steve
Posted by Joan H. | March 13, 2008 5:07 PM
Posted on March 13, 2008 17:07
Verbose is the copy
Web chunking scorned by all SMEs
Killing me softly
Posted by Rob Patey | March 14, 2008 8:37 AM
Posted on March 14, 2008 08:37
Shit - screwed up teh first line
Copy is wordy
Web chunking scorned by all SMEs
Killing me softly
Posted by Rob Patey | March 14, 2008 8:45 AM
Posted on March 14, 2008 08:45
Poor, poor Indy Chris.
He's too busy to have fun.
The Goose loves martyrs.
Posted by The Goose | March 14, 2008 8:46 AM
Posted on March 14, 2008 08:46
Inspired by Goose,
And his Duran Duran plan,
I haiku some more.
Posted by Indy Chris | March 14, 2008 10:53 AM
Posted on March 14, 2008 10:53
Twitter, Blogs, and Vlogs.
Begging "the man" to embrace.
Alas they will not.
Posted by Indy Chris | March 14, 2008 10:55 AM
Posted on March 14, 2008 10:55
RSS is great!
Get site updates instantly!
More time for haikus!
Posted by The Goose | March 14, 2008 12:25 PM
Posted on March 14, 2008 12:25
If someone twitters,
And no one will follow them,
Does it make a sound?
Posted by The Goose | March 14, 2008 12:28 PM
Posted on March 14, 2008 12:28
If anyone reads this blog regularly, you'll know what I'm talking about. Sorry, Steve, I couldn't resist:
Oh, Steve Crescenzo
You mock my status meetings
Please put it away
Posted by Cindy Crescenzo | March 14, 2008 1:11 PM
Posted on March 14, 2008 13:11
LOL! Good one, Cindy. My own husband has heard that line before.
Posted by Joan H. | March 14, 2008 2:07 PM
Posted on March 14, 2008 14:07
Steve,
You make your own wife submit a damn haiku to hitch a ride to the conferene:
cindy toils for steve
crescenzo comms she must leave
manage this bald man
Posted by Rob Patey | March 14, 2008 2:19 PM
Posted on March 14, 2008 14:19
Did I win this contest?
I am eagerly waiting
For Steve to call me
Posted by Amy | March 14, 2008 4:44 PM
Posted on March 14, 2008 16:44
DC Conference
Many wondrous ideas
Which ones can I use?
Gonna make changes
Without asking IT first;
Think they will notice?
A CEO blog?
If he writes it by himself,
A see of typos.
Jim Y. and Steve C.
Gave us lots to think about.
IRS crew rocks!
Posted by Greg Marsh | March 14, 2008 5:07 PM
Posted on March 14, 2008 17:07
Media crisis