I’m not sure, but I may have just pissed all over the next great employee communication idea. Listen to the story, and then you tell me if I’ve uncovered the next hot trend in employee communications . . . .
Last Saturday I took an eight-hour flight from London to Chicago, went straight from the airport to Naperville to watch my son play baseball, hung out with him for as long as I could keep my eyes open, took a train to Chicago, a bus to my apartment, and got home late Saturday night.
After about four hours sleep, I woke up and went to El Jardin’s for a much-deserved brunch with my wife Cindy.
I give you this schedule so that you can understand my mental state.
I was exhausted. And jet-lagged. And after two margaritas, I wasn’t even sure where I was . . . but I knew I was glad not to be in an airport or on a plane or in a hotel.
And in that fuzzy, buzzy state, I stumbled into the bathroom at El Jardin’s, and started using the urinal . . . when suddenly, I heard someone talking to me. Mid-stream, so to speak.
I looked around, but nobody else was in the bathroom. I was alone, hearing voices. I shook my head a bit, to clear it. The voice was still there. And it was coming from . . . down there. You know, sort of below the waist.
How can I say this politely, without offending anyone? I guess I can’t.
For less-than-one-second, in my altered, sleepless, jet-lagged, margaritaed state, I thought I was having an acid flashback . . . and that my penis was talking to me.
Which is a really, really scary thought. Because anything he has to say, I don’t want to hear. I kept waiting to hear things like:
“Touch me again and I swear I’ll piss the bed for a week straight.” (Remember, I had been on the road for a long, long time).
“Remember that girl in college, from the townie bar, when you were on mushrooms? What the hell were you thinking about, asshat? Don’t you ever give any consideration to what I have to go through when you make decisions like that?”
“Will you please stop telling anyone who will listen that I’m the size of a longshoreman’s forearm? It’s embarrassing . . . to say nothing of being a bald-faced lie.”
But the voices weren’t saying anything like that. In fact, the voice was talking about a television show. And when I shook the acid flashback out of my head and looked down into the urinal, I saw the real source of the voice.
There, in the urinal, instead of one of those deodorant cakes they sometimes stick in there, was a little round recorder thingy that, when hit with water (or, in this case, urine), started playing its message.
The message itself was an advertisement for some asshole macho TV show on some asshole macho TV station called “Spike TV,” which I can only assume is a TV station for asshole macho guys.
At first, I was pissed . . . no pun intended. Then, I started thinking. Could this be the next great employee communication tool?
I’ve long advocated posting news articles in bathrooms stalls and above urinals, where you have a captive audience. Isn’t this the next logical step? As our intranets and Web sites go more multi-media, shouldn’t our urinals follow suit?
Call it Urinals 2.0!
Can you imagine if, whenever your average employee unzips and gets down to business, he hears the CEO talking to him directly? Saying things like:
“As you liquidize your assets, I’d just like to remind you that here at Horizon Enterprises, YOU are OUR greatest asset. Now take care of business, and remember as you go about your work today to always pay heed to the 47 Guiding Principles of Horizon, as well as our Mission Statement, our Vision Statement, our Code of Ethics, and our Safety First Guidelines, all of which are posted on the wall in front of you. Remember, Horizon’s future is in your hands! Well . . . it’s not in your hands right now . . . uh, at this very moment . . . but, you know what I mean. Have a great day, and remember: All employees are required to wash their hands!”
Some would say most CEO communication belongs in the toilet anyway . . . why not put it there directly?
Comments (36)
Honestly? If I encountered something like this in my company's bathroom, I'd start looking for other work immediately. I know I'm probably not young and hip enough for this to sound like a good idea, but I don't want the company talking to me while I'm peeing.
But I'm fine with posting articles, etc. in the stalls.
Posted by Beth | June 12, 2008 9:20 AM
Posted on June 12, 2008 09:20
I always laugh when I read your posts, but this one truly brought tears to my eyes. Good Lord don't let this be the next thing I need to sell to management and request budget dollars for. But then again, it did catch your attention, didn't it? And it's one communication vehicle that's almost impossible to ignore. In fact, it would reach even those without computers or company mailboxes. Hmm...
Posted by Sheila | June 12, 2008 9:33 AM
Posted on June 12, 2008 09:33
Look out, it's coming to a urinal/stall near you!!!!
Since that day, I've seen the same thing in not one but TWO other restaurants.
Steve C.
Posted by Steve C. | June 12, 2008 9:40 AM
Posted on June 12, 2008 09:40
I presume these are bolted down? Otherwise I would have stolen it for my next party.
Posted by JohnO | June 12, 2008 10:58 AM
Posted on June 12, 2008 10:58
Note to self: When in Chicago, do not drink anything at El Jardin.
Posted by Donna Papacosta | June 12, 2008 11:10 AM
Posted on June 12, 2008 11:10
As always, you've given me the laugh I needed for the day. Thanks, Steve. However, I have to question...can anyone ever truly understand your mental state? Whatever it is, it's a happy place to be!
Now can you imagine if the voice had come from under you in the stall?! The next iteration of the podcast...the poopcast.
Posted by michael clendenin | June 12, 2008 11:19 AM
Posted on June 12, 2008 11:19
That is wrong on so many levels I can't wrap my not-fully-caffeinated mind around it.
Last month in Chicago (I think it was at the airport), I saw for the first time some sort of toilet cover thing reminiscent of those cloth towels on a loop that you used to find in restrooms, before paper towels and air dryers took over. Seriously, they had installed some mechanical dohickey onto the back of the toilet seat, and you had to press a button or wave your hands in front of a sensor (I don't recall now which it was) and then this blue plastic toilet seat cover (the one used by the last person in the bathroom, which in itself is disgusting) sucked itself into a large device on the back of the seat and pulled out a "fresh" cover. All I could think was what a scam this must be--how could I trust that what emerged from that device hadn't already been used by 150 other people? What nasty endless loop of plastic was presenting itself to me? If I ever wanted to do a splatter-pee (you know, where you kind of perch over the seat but never touch), it was then.
But at least it didn't talk to me. That's just creepy. What's with Chicago and its innovative toilet trends? Is it the birthplace of all that's new in bathroom BS? I really liked Chicago, but I'm starting to wonder what subversive elimination movement (sorry) is emerging there. This must be the start of some devious plot, but what is its goal? To force us all to avoid bathrooms until our vital organs cease to function? Mind control? (We women know where much a man's thinking originates, and even you initially thought the conversation began there!) I shudder to think where this will end.
Posted by Joan H. | June 12, 2008 11:46 AM
Posted on June 12, 2008 11:46
This reminds me of when I bought my cool, but used, 1985 Nissan Maxima when I graduated from college in 1990. While driving it home at night, I hear this British woman from my back seat say "FUEL LEVEL IS LOW."
It's dark out, I'm in Cleveland traffic, and I nearly freak out and swerve across four lanes as I try to discover just when Mary Poppins entered my backseat. No one told me there was a voice that told you when you needed gas. I almost wet myself.
Posted by Eileen Burmeister | June 12, 2008 11:51 AM
Posted on June 12, 2008 11:51
You know, there are (or at least there OUGHT to be) one or two places where a person doesn't have to be indoctrinated with propaganda - even if it's honest, well-written and responsive propaganda - and when I'm peeing is DEFINITELY one of those places! I'm with Sheila - can you imagine the PowerPoint presentation to pitch this? Just exactly what clip-art would one use? And the tag-line, what would it be? "Potty-Talk"? "Bathroom Business Buzz"?? "It's raining messages"?? I could go on, but nobody wants that!
On another note, at least with your little talking urinal thingy you didn't have to talk back to it. I'm forever having the bad luck to be in a stall doing what one does in a stall, only to have a "chatty Cathy" in the stall next to me who wants to have a full on conversation while we're doing our business. Sheesh!
Lookit! When I'm going to the bathroom, I don't want to chit-chat, okay?? I just want to finish up, wash my hands and get out. I don't know where these women come from, but it really is kind of creepy that they want to talk over the stall walls.
Posted by Kristen | June 12, 2008 11:56 AM
Posted on June 12, 2008 11:56
Um, that is just so wrong on so many levels.
Posted by Susan | June 12, 2008 12:35 PM
Posted on June 12, 2008 12:35
Even worse than the chatty Cathys, in my opinion, are the people ON THEIR CELL PHONES while on the potty. I've noticed an increase in this bizarre behavior recently at work. I always want to muster up some really gross noises when I hear someone in the stall next to me jabbering on their cell phone mid-leak, just to make it more interesting for the person on the line. And in our cavernous office bathroom, the echoes alone should make that person wonder if the call was coming from inside the Elephant House at the zoo.
But this talking urinal cake is just way too much. It's a disgusting idea no matter how you look at it. Then again, it might be the perfect way to boost sales of penile implants, condoms or jock itch remedies.
Posted by Aidan | June 12, 2008 12:49 PM
Posted on June 12, 2008 12:49
I don't know. I think it sounds perfect for stream-of-consciousness communication. As it were.
Posted by Robert J Holland, ABC | June 12, 2008 2:35 PM
Posted on June 12, 2008 14:35
Hmmm, sounds more effective than Twitter to me. Call it Pisser. Or Whizzer. The Whizzard.
Posted by Always Home and Uncool | June 12, 2008 7:12 PM
Posted on June 12, 2008 19:12
Priceless, Steve!
Posted by Neville Hobson | June 13, 2008 7:41 AM
Posted on June 13, 2008 07:41
You too can align your brand with ... public toilets. You know I'm a great advocate for audio branding, Steve. But I think this one needs a little more thought!
Posted by Ronna Porter | June 13, 2008 7:44 AM
Posted on June 13, 2008 07:44
The sports bar I go to posts the sports page above the urinals. Everybody loves it. Great idea, Steve.
Posted by Patrick | June 13, 2008 7:45 AM
Posted on June 13, 2008 07:45
Jeez -- everyone is missing the "golden" opportunity on this: the severest of punishment for corporate communicators who mess up. "Damnit, Joe, how many times do I have to tell you not to shoot line-em-up-and-shoot-em group photos? And why do you continue to write in passive voice? Huh? Well, huh? OK, here's the deal. To teach you a lesson, I've transferred you to the Urinal Recording Department. That's right -- you're our new urinal communications installer second class. You'll stay there for two months until you learn how to do this crap right!"
Will
Posted by Will Daniel | June 13, 2008 9:44 AM
Posted on June 13, 2008 09:44
I don't know man, that's an association with corporate messaging we dont want to reinforce, you know?
Real reason for my note is to weigh in that SpikeTV is not just for macho assholes. While I am rightly accused of the latter, Ive never been accused of the former - and Spike TV is home to the finest show on television, The Ultimate Fighter. TUF is the "reality show" for the Ultimate FIghting Championship, the mixed martial arts company.
MMA, and by extension the UFC, is completely awesome. That alone is enough to salvage Spike TV, urinal cakes be damned.
Posted by neruda | June 13, 2008 3:06 PM
Posted on June 13, 2008 15:06
Here is the final word on this idea (well, mine, anyway): EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW. And one more word for it: NO.
Posted by Amy | June 16, 2008 2:02 PM
Posted on June 16, 2008 14:02
I would really like to see how this would work with video capabilities. I can picture it now. Pee TV!
In between broadcasts of whatever was being advertised, Pee TV could offer images of waterfalls, and sounds of trickling water to help the pee shy get over that hurdle.
I'm sure they make a waterproof screen.
Maybe I haven't had enough coffee today.
Posted by Lynetta | June 17, 2008 11:05 AM
Posted on June 17, 2008 11:05
"MMA, and by extension the UFC, is completely awesome."
Et tu, neruda?
Greg
Posted by Greg Marsh | June 17, 2008 2:51 PM
Posted on June 17, 2008 14:51
Steve, looking forward to seeing you in NYC at IABC. Four of us coming from my company and I'm telling them all they need to go to your session.
michael clendenin
Posted by michael clendenin | June 19, 2008 12:09 PM
Posted on June 19, 2008 12:09
You have to stop writing like this...I almost choked to death on my coffee. Then I had to explain to my very upstanding supervisor why I was wearing a coffee-stained suit, laughing uncontrollably and hiding (blocking) my computer screen.
This idea is brillant. Employees are constantly talking about how management talks out of their..(well, you know!)..apparently management is listening to them. They are not talking out of their bottoms, but to your bottom.
Great blog!!!
Posted by Alicia | June 23, 2008 12:39 PM
Posted on June 23, 2008 12:39
If it didn't create a gender bias issue, then I could see corporations using this technique to relieve themselves from writing the standard memorandum ;-)
Posted by Leo Bottary | June 26, 2008 8:13 AM
Posted on June 26, 2008 08:13
One word: YIKES!
Posted by Jacquie | June 30, 2008 3:28 PM
Posted on June 30, 2008 15:28
Does give "piss on it" new meaning.
Posted by A Nony Moose | July 2, 2008 2:03 PM
Posted on July 2, 2008 14:03
Will, funny shit!
Leo, My thoughts exactly, all we need to do is to get females to start using urinals. I think my mom has before, come to think of it.
I know they make funnels for females for hiking so they don't have to squat in the weeds.
I'll see Joe Friday for a Southside Independence Day / Birthday BBQ at my sisters, I'll have to ask him if there is something similar for the female bathroom at El Jardin’s.
Posted by AN | July 2, 2008 2:28 PM
Posted on July 2, 2008 14:28
OK - it's been about a month ... all the good pee-pee jokes have been used.
Time for new words of wisdom.
Posted by Paul | July 10, 2008 7:47 PM
Posted on July 10, 2008 19:47
Steve-o, Did the urinal thing tell you to stop blogging? - Amy
Posted by Amy | July 11, 2008 10:36 PM
Posted on July 11, 2008 22:36
For the love of blogging. When is your next post coming? I'm starting to hallucinate myself! ;-)
Posted by Leo Bottary | July 13, 2008 4:07 PM
Posted on July 13, 2008 16:07
I think we all need to cut Steve a little slack right now.
His son is right in the middle of a very exciting baseball season. I've no doubt that boy will roam a major league infield in 15 years (if not sooner). He must have got it from his mom. :)
Posted by Paul | July 15, 2008 9:22 PM
Posted on July 15, 2008 21:22
Would Steve cut any of US slack? Bah! And David is off sailing, so I have no blogs to look forward to for a whole week. This is so wrong. Steve, it's all on you! Pretty please???
Posted by Joan H. | July 18, 2008 3:50 PM
Posted on July 18, 2008 15:50
Wait. David is blogging again? David Murray? Where?!
Posted by Andrea S-R | July 22, 2008 3:34 PM
Posted on July 22, 2008 15:34
Andrea - here's where you'll find David Murray's new blog:
http://writingboots.typepad.com/writing_boots/
Steve - surely you can come up with something we can all yack about? There's been a sad lack of blog-o-sphere conversation lately, and if anyone can get us all going, it's you my friend! You must have an item or two in your back pocket that you could throw out here.
How about it??
Posted by Kristen | July 23, 2008 8:06 AM
Posted on July 23, 2008 08:06
Thanks Kristen! If Steve has nothing new to say (which, um, I find a little hard to believe) at least I can catch up on a couple weeks' worth of David's blogs.
Posted by Andrea S-R | July 23, 2008 11:22 AM
Posted on July 23, 2008 11:22
Is there a job title in this? Director of Urinal Communications - now that's something i'd aspire to!
Posted by Gina | August 19, 2008 5:16 AM
Posted on August 19, 2008 05:16